Post by James Lawrence on Dec 28, 2015 3:48:06 GMT -6
The topic of children was a serious conversation to have; it signified something deeper to the relationships, even further than moving in together did. It wasn't something James had given much thought to, if at all, before Ella Robbinson. He hadn't been in a place where it could be a possibility until now.
His own family had been small, just himself and his parents. Small, but still functional as a unit. One child had been plenty, they said. Two children would have been unaffordable for their income in New York. But this was Montana, and James was certain that the cost of living between the two could not even begin to compare.
"I haven't either." James answered truthfully. It was something that sort of just happened. At first, Ella said one. One child. Or maybe more. In their relationship dynamic, James was use to leading the pair but it felt like he was at a standstill. "A bigger family might be nice. Not huge, but a couple of children?" He said, without the usual confidence that carried his voice. Because he was unsure.
"But we could always start with one and see how it goes. When the time comes." James added quickly. Maybe they couldn't handle more than one child; maybe it was better to plan in the future when they had a better idea of their capabilities as parents. "One.. to start, at least."
Post by Ella Robbinson on Dec 28, 2015 4:13:53 GMT -6
He hadn't thought about it either. That fact alone immediately had Ella questioning why he brought it up in the first place. She had assumed children with the hemokinetic must have popped into his mind at least once, else there was no need to overwhelm an already drastic day. And a couple of children, he'd said. Like it was what to have for dinner; one order of pizza, or two? For such a weighted conversation, Ella wasn't sure his attitude was comforting. Because his mirrored hers far too heavily; wasn't he supposed to be able to make her feel for the idea?
"Better one than two." She replied immediately, the corner of her mouth cracking at the strained joke. Because really, the last thing Ella could handle was twins, she was sure.
"But children are like," Ella started, pausing briefly to consider a decent amount of time here, "Years in the future." Surely that was enough. It wasn't as if the idea would resurface in a few months, "Right?"
Post by James Lawrence on Dec 28, 2015 4:40:46 GMT -6
Maybe the idea had been floating around subconsciously, without complete awareness. James wasn't entirely sure why he was continuing the conversation. Part of him wanted to have the serious discussion to see what Ella's thoughts were on children but the other part of him wanted to the end the conversation before it could get any worse. The lack of confidence towards the topic on his end was unsettling enough without the added weight of actually thinking of answers to each question.
He exhaled in relief when Ella said better one than two. Because even if it was a joke, it was something concrete to hold onto. "One is better." He agreed, though a part of him wanted to argue that two or three was even better. But it was good for now.
Eyebrows narrowed at her next question. "Years?" James repeated, with a slight tilt of his head. "Yeah.. I mean, if you'd prefer to wait we can." He said, completely willing to do whatever was necessary for her comfort. "Personally, I was thinking sooner..." He trailed off only to continue shortly after. "But it's something we both need to be ready for."
Post by Ella Robbinson on Dec 28, 2015 5:01:59 GMT -6
For a second it seemed that Ella and James had landed on the same level. Relief washed over both his features and the rhythm of his heart in a seemingly cool wave, like a little of the tension could be knocked away. And if he could look less like a deer in the headlights, then so could she. Surely. In a little while.
Except things continued, and it suddenly felt like she was very wrong in her assumption. The word years - the concept, too - seemed to strike him in an almost negative way. She felt the air in her lungs skim to a thinner state at the mere mention of children earlier in their future. She was slowly realising how little she knew on the subject for the both of them, but supposed that everyone had this first time conversation.
But perhaps not on the cusp of just moving in together.
"Sooner? Like when?" She asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. And her hands fell, but only to his shoulders. "Don't people get like, married before they get - have - children?"
Last Edit: Dec 28, 2015 5:02:52 GMT -6 by Ella Robbinson
Post by James Lawrence on Dec 28, 2015 5:28:28 GMT -6
That brief moment of being on the same wavelength was short-lived; as soon as James spoke, he fixed the problem but managed to make it worse a sentence later. He shouldn't have said anything, because really, what rational person brought up the idea of children on the day of moving in together. If it were possible for his sense of surety to shatter, it would have in this moment.
Fingers brushed down the side of her neck, trying to distract himself for a moment. James opened his mouth to speak, only to shut it a moment later. At a loss for words, he instead took a moment to breathe. To try and collect his thoughts. It was a lot to think about; maybe too much. His hand moved to rest on top of one of hers.
"I.. I don't know." James admitted, closing his eyes with another exhale. Then came the idea of marriage and another stalled heartbeat. But Ella was right; it had to be too soon, right? They hadn't been together for even a year and this was already being discussed. It wasn't necessarily in the correct order of how things naturally progressed in a relationship. "Sorry this was.. bad." He opened his eyes with a small laugh. "You're right.. I just.." He trailed off, without any intention to finish the rest of his sentence. Because he didn't know, and for James Lawrence not to know was unsettling enough without his added reaction. Admitting uncertainty was already a stretch, even in front of Ella.
Post by Ella Robbinson on Jan 1, 2016 4:33:57 GMT -6
Perhaps the mere mention of marriage was the poorest choice available at such a time. Really, Ella was quickly doubting if she should have brought it up at all. It was a blind assumption everyone made when they fell hard in a relationship; that the person opposite would obvious want to get married. To have kids. It was the natural progression, wasn't it? But nothing about him was normal, from the way he lived his life to honestly, his intent interest in her.
Anxiety could practically make her sick, but she couldn't stop. The entire world she built was spinning but she couldn't help that either.
The word bad and the laugh he gave forced her stomach to suddenly feel shallow. She wanted to play it off, too. Or at least really try to believably. "No no, I'm wrong. It's fine." She replied quickly, shaking her head a second later, "You don't need one to have the other. I mean, my mom's never been married and she's got me, so..."
Post by James Lawrence on Jan 2, 2016 13:57:35 GMT -6
The idea of marriage was enough to stall his heartbeat, but James had to wonder if that was necessarily a bad thing. It was step one in the natural progression of life; marriage, then kids, and then the rest of what life had to offer. Did she want to get married to him? Was it a subtle hint? A year seemed too soon in comparison to other people but they weren't exactly the image of a normal couple.
"You're not wrong." James quickly defended her; it was a genuine question. "Marriage isn't the issue." Anything but. His hand that rested on top of hers moved to gently squeeze in what was hopefully a reassuring motion. "I was just unsure if it was too soon to bring all of this up."
"I mean, it is kind of soon to bring this up but..." He trailed off momentarily, stalling to find what he wanted to say. "Marriage, yeah. Do you want to get married? Cause I'd like to, eventually." Maybe if he took the first step, as vulnerable as it was, it could lead the flow of conversation towards a certain direction. But the rhythm within his chest still gave away the anxiety over the topic. Over the seriousness and fear that their ideals wouldn't line up again.
Post by Ella Robbinson on Jan 2, 2016 23:16:40 GMT -6
Now was definitely not the time to move away from James despite how a little part of her was calling to do so. It was a little difficult to grab any kind of clarity to an overwhelming conversation when he was as close as he was; Ella found herself far more attuned to his heartbeat than her own.
Truth be told, it sort of was far too soon to bring all of this up. At least, it was for Ella. At least, she was pretty sure it was too soon.
When James said he did want to get married, she literally stopped breathing. The air stalled in her lungs for a good few seconds as she held it to the best of her ability. Seconds later, she forced a heavy exhale. She didn't want to seem so destructive in what should have been a calm enough discussion. But she could only think of one thing, "Like, do I want to get married in general... Or have I ever thought about marrying you?" Ella asked him, tilting her head to the side in obvious curiosity. It might have been a good way to stall for time to think, but it was a genuine question all the same.
Post by James Lawrence on Jan 3, 2016 12:12:40 GMT -6
Concern crossed James' features as he noted the pause in air circulation; her breathing patterns were all too familiar and easy to pick up on with his exceptional hearing. It was an overwhelming enough conversation, he knew, but somewhat necessary. Maybe not right now but it was a discussion all couples had to have at some point, right?
He didn't say anything right away, debating on the best approach. Generalities were easier and a little less personal. But the real question James was wondering was if she ever thought about marrying him, or if it was just him who had entertained the idea with prior thoughts. His eyes never left her face, but he was finding it harder to keep his focus on one place. "In general." James finally spoke, deciding that the best route was the one that involved the least overwhelming of options. Because he wasn't sure if either of them could handle the latter right now.
Last Edit: Jan 3, 2016 12:13:39 GMT -6 by James Lawrence
Post by Ella Robbinson on Jan 3, 2016 18:21:23 GMT -6
When James offered a little clarity to his own question, Ella supposed he deserved what honesty she could give him. When it came to her relationship with the trainer, she had no interest in lying. But finding answers was never as easy as coming up with something that would ultimately be fabricated. She had to think.
"Well..." She started, drawing the single word. Because the conversation could very easily take a negative, sad turn, and she didn't want to be the cause of even more awkwardness in a moment where she was already drowning. "It's hard, because I didn't ever really consider that I'd be in something like this." She assumed, then, that it needed no further explanation. They were in a relationship. A good one, as far as she was concerned. Why would anyone think about getting married before learning they could function in a proper relationship?
"Like with you. Why do you want to get married?" She asked then, pausing for the briefest of moments before quickly following; "In general."
Post by James Lawrence on Jan 4, 2016 0:58:52 GMT -6
James was quick to nod in agreement with Ella's first statement, understanding exactly where she came from. Before entering a relationship with her, he had never even considered the idea of settling down with someone, let alone marriage. But the past year saw changes and he'd be lying if he denied thinking about it before. Because as James discovered, when he fell hard, he fell fast.
Which was insane. And difficult to deal with.
It was hard to contain those thoughts, and when they came out, it just turned into a mess. Love made him a mess. James took a moment to reflect before answering. "Like you, I never really saw myself in a position to consider the idea, before us." He began, "I don't know, the idea of marriage just seems.. nice. The highest form of commitment. Not necessary for all relationships, though." He quickly added, hoping not to offend. "Marriage doesn't determine the worth or anything like that."
"It's just a thought, though. In general." James repeated, "In general, I think it's a comforting thought."
Post by Ella Robbinson on Jan 4, 2016 2:01:12 GMT -6
When it came to answer in relation to people - in general or not - James was the best of the two of them. He romanticised the notion of getting married perfectly, like sweetening an otherwise bland concept with his tone of voice alone.
"Marriage isn't forever, though. They have a way out of it for a reason." Divorce probably wasn't the smartest thing to inject into a conversation like this. They both had shaky track records with relationships as it was. Well, she did, and she pretty much just assumed he had been as aloof as he was as a teenager up until he met her again; "Not that it's really a good thing, or whatever, but if you make a child together you're far more in it than if you get married."
Then she stopped herself, her nose crinkling as she pondered her own words very carefully. "But then, I guess people make children by accident all the time." So that effectively ruled her newly proposed theory out.
"What makes a person worth marrying?" She tried instead, because surely there was a set criteria in her mind that she didn't naturally fit into.
Post by James Lawrence on Jan 4, 2016 3:27:41 GMT -6
As the words left his mouth, James had to wonder where it all came from. The romantic notions of marriage, praised by him? It had to be a little unsettling; it was for him, at least. Ella seemed to disagree but it was a worthwhile conversation to have.
He exhaled a breath of laughter at her defence, which was true. Marriage wasn't necessarily the beginning to a more valuable existence. It could easily be the beginning of the downfall. A risk that had to be worth taking for some people, because it wouldn't exist otherwise. But for two people who didn't have the best record with relationships, it was something to be considered. "That's fair," He slowly agreed, "But that's a risk that has to be taken into consideration and for every couple there's no real right way to do it." Marriage, children, both or none.
Eyebrows narrowed, forming a crease in between at her next question. Clearly, it caught James off guard. "Like, worth as in commodity? Or just inherent worth?" He asked, for clarification. "I don't know if you can put a price on that, or come up with a standard list of ideals to be checked off." James knew that if they tried to do that, he'd fail miserably. But he didn't say that out loud. "If two people are in love with each other, and want to get married, shouldn't that be enough?" He asked, searching her eyes for an answer with honest curiosity.
Post by Ella Robbinson on Jan 4, 2016 3:44:24 GMT -6
The more Ella thought about it, the more she realised that even marriage was a spur of the moment thing that could so easily lose its way. But now hardly seemed the time to get so lost in a thought like that. This was important, so it was necessary to stay on track. They were practically talking about themselves without really doing so.
Her eyes softened when he said that love and the desire to be married should have been enough. Briefly she pressed her lips together to seal away a thought, but he deserved honesty no matter how pessimistic it sounded.
"Probably not, no." She replied honestly. If love were enough for something so imperative as sharing a life, it would quickly become one of the easiest, greatest excuses to abuse. "Love can't just be enough. Wanting to get married can't be enough, either. What if we got married and six months or six years later you decided you wanted to move to New York? And I didn't know that cause I married you tomorrow without thinking to know anything like that?"
"Not that that'll happen - obviously - but what if? I wouldn't know." And in turn, love and marriage would be the reason to stay. It'd end as the reason for everything.
Post by James Lawrence on Jan 4, 2016 4:06:44 GMT -6
It was a genuine question on his end; James didn't have the means to compare this relationship with previous ones, or any substantial experience to draw any conclusions from. For him, it was as simple as his question suggested. But needed the dose of reality, the reminder that nothing in life was easy.
Ella's honesty was appreciated. It had to be easier for her to sugar coat her own feelings and keep them underneath the surface. Honest and open communication was another necessity and no matter how different their opinions were, it was only fair to one another to be honest. He stayed quiet throughout her explanation, only moving to run his hand down her waist; as if to silently remind her that they were here in their apartment and he had absolutely no plans of abandoning that future. As if she needed the reminder due to the subject matter at hand.
"Okay, so there's other factors involved as well. Like open and honest dialogue. Communication. Knowing each other on a deeper, less superficial level." James started, before continuing on. "There's probably a lot to consider then, yeah. You have to know the other person really well."
Which was something James never doubted until he spoke out loud. Did he know Ella? Did this conversation all come from a place because he didn't know her, or because they had progressed relatively quickly along the timeline of their relationship?
"And then maybe you just know, because you know the other person so well, and feel it within. You know it's right."