Post by Layla Harlow on Feb 15, 2016 22:55:10 GMT -6
As Patch leaned up against the counter, Layla's stomach clenched and she waited for the disapproval or the question of why she couldn't eat, why she didn't want to. And was pleasantly shocked when Patch decided to talk about something else. Perhaps she'd been wrong, maybe he hadn't caught on.
"He'd be content with anything for Emma's birthday as long as he gets to be there with her," Layla responded as she dried the plate in her hands in circular motions. She was happier about the cleanliness of the new place that he suggested and she knew Nicholas wouldn't mind even if it wasn't quite that fun. He'd make it fun with the little girl at his side because she deserved the best birthday ever. "I'm sure it'll be fun and Emma will enjoy it a lot."
The formality in her tone was surely going to give her away. He was going to look right through it and confront her demons out loud while the kids were watching movies or terrorizing something in Emma's bedroom. She continued drying and once she finished she put it to the side so that she could work on the next one her hands found.
Post by Patch Adams on Feb 16, 2016 20:32:45 GMT -6
Patch somehow couldn't look at Layla's face so he concentrated on her hands drying the plates. He could no longer see the skeletal frame of it but it still looked like it could break if he squeezed too tight. Her tone made him frown a little as his arms crossed his chest.
"Yeah, they have set meals." He continued, knowing that Layla would catch on to the direction the conversation was going. "They either give the kids fish and chips or mac and cheese. Adults get smoked salmon or some type of chicken I don't know." He shrugged and took the dried plate to put back on the shelves.
Post by Layla Harlow on Feb 16, 2016 21:05:50 GMT -6
Set meals. Fuck. Layla wanted to rear backwards and find a different topic to focus on rather than the one Patch had picked. Here she thought it had been more about Emma than her current situation, but she could tell by the way he went on that he was hinting at the elephant in the room. That was the thing between her and Patch, they saw through each other one way or another, whether they decided to make it known was the question usually.
Layla cleared her throat and didn't hesitate in her drying as she pretended to take into consideration what she would want. It was easy enough to know what Nicholas would pick, but the thought of food made her queasy and the thought of eating in front of other people, whomever Emma and Patch and his parents decided to invite, made her want to throw up what little she had gotten around to eating.
"Nicky would go with Mac and cheese for sure," She answered the first part with absolute certainty, hoping that her hesitation for the second wouldn't be quite as difficult to decide as she felt it was. "I'll uh, I'll probably go with the chicken. Too bad I can't get what the kids get," She laughed shortly and stacked the next plate. At least when kids were fed, they got smaller portions. What would people think if they saw her not eat everything? Would the suspect her to be starving herself? "I'll just mooch off Nicky."
Post by Patch Adams on Feb 21, 2016 5:57:35 GMT -6
Patch nodded at Layla's first answer but her second one made him finally turn to her. "The chicken's pretty big. You think you can finish it?" He asked.
He knew he was poking a hornet's nest but Layla was keeping something from him and he didn't want to make his own assumptions without her telling him.
Post by Layla Harlow on Feb 21, 2016 20:23:40 GMT -6
Patch turned to face her and Layla's stomach twisted violently, threatening to make her sick because of her nerves. He was onto her. The comment he made about her being able to finish was clearly his way of acknowledging that he'd caught it. He'd caught her when she thought she could slip under the radar. With him being so busy with Emma, and her worrying about Nicholas, sometimes she wondered how both of them always found out the little things that were going on with the other.
Layla bit down on her lip hard and her fingers shook as she picked up another plate. She was nervous about his reaction. Patch had never given her a reason to worry about his reaction before, but he worried about her and she didn't want him to worry too much. Least of all make a big deal about what was happening with her. She was getting better, at least she thought she was. Sometimes it just slipped and she still had trouble eating a healthy amount.
"I-I'm sure I could. I mean it would just depend I guess, I dunno," She tried her hardest not to let her voice give her away, but she was stammering and struggling to form a decent response.
Post by Patch Adams on Feb 21, 2016 23:13:35 GMT -6
Her reaction to his question pretty much confirmed all his assumptions and something surged inside him. Something quite indecipherable. He frowned and the grip he had on the counter edge behind him tightened. The shadows around him were practically alive as his mind went to a very dark place.
It was only when she spoke that he realised his shadows were acting up and he toned it down and thought of Emma and Nicky just down the hall.
"I'm not the only one who's noticed, am I." He said softly, knowing Layla would realise he was talking about Nicky. "That's why he's been asking me about your favourite foods."
Post by Layla Harlow on Feb 22, 2016 6:53:30 GMT -6
Layla couldn't look at Patch as she answered him, but with as violently as she was trembling, she couldn't dry the plates either, so she set the one in her hand down and gripped the counter. For a few weeks she'd been trying her hardest to convince herself that it wasn't as bad. At least she was eating something versus the month right after Isaac left when she couldn't force down more than a bite of food. She'd forced herself to eat in front of Nicholas, hoping he wouldn't be able to tell that his mother was starting to waste away in front of his eyes. But when she ate it made her sick to her stomach because she had grown accustom to not eating hardly at all.
It had stayed under the radar for quite a while, though the comments Nicholas made sometimes scared her that he did know. Even more so when he said them around Patch. The day they'd gone to the park, she could still remember the way he had worried about her blowing away in the wind and how he'd said that she needed to put some meat back on her bones. Nicky was the always perceptive and intuitive little boy. Especially when it came to his mother.
Patch's question brought tears to her eyes and she took in a shaky breath. Layla hadn't known that he was asking Patch those things and that he was only assured her that he knew something was wrong. "That kid is too perceptive for his own good," She whispered, unable still to turn towards Patch. The expression on his face, she was sure, she wouldn't be able to handle without breaking down. With Nicholas so near, she was afraid to. He'd seen her lose her grip far too many times over the past few months alone.
Post by Patch Adams on Feb 22, 2016 21:23:23 GMT -6
Patch didn't want to have it come to this. Upsetting Layla was never his intention but she was and now he didn't know how to comfort the young woman.
He did move close, though not reaching out because he didn't know if she would lash out. "Is it because of Isaac?" Patch asked, his voice barely a whisper.
Post by Layla Harlow on Feb 23, 2016 15:47:18 GMT -6
Layla's body tensed and recoiled away from him when he came closer. She didn't know how he could be around her knowing what he knew now. She was disgusted by herself, what she was doing to herself. Despite the fact that it was her own doing, she didn't like what she was becoming, what she'd been for much longer than anyone knew. It wasn't the first time she'd stopped eating and stopped caring about herself, but the last time she hadn't had anyone else to care for the way she did now. And before, she'd had people caring for her that had noticed when she began to lose weight.
Since Lucas' death, she'd struggled with her weight, fluctuating from bone thin to a normal if not above normal weight. At one point she'd stabilized herself at the weight she'd been before getting pregnant with Nicholas and after she'd had him, she swore to keep herself on track. To keep herself healthy for that little boy. But she never expected this.
Patch's voice shook her from her thoughts and her heart broke at the sound of her late husband's name. She missed him terribly and his death had shaken her to her core which had done a number on her mental state. Layla shrugged and wrapped her arms around her torso before turning towards him and glancing up, "It's been an ongoing battle that I thought I'd won after Nicholas was born."
Post by Patch Adams on Feb 23, 2016 21:40:17 GMT -6
Patch stopped moving closer the moment she moved away. That was a clear indication that any physical contact would end up bad. So he stayed where he was and let her speak. When she looked up at him, Patch gave her a reassuring smile. There was nothing she could say that could make him love her any less.
But nothing could have prepared him for what she said next. It had been ongoing. For God knows how long. And now it's starting up again. He knew he shouldn't ask why she never spoke to him about it so he didn't.
"You weren't planning on letting me know, were you?"
Post by Layla Harlow on Feb 24, 2016 7:42:22 GMT -6
Patch wouldn't understand that part of the reason she had always been so strange about hugging and affection stemmed from her disorder. She always feared that if someone hugged her they would be able to feel her ribcage and they'd be sickened by her the way she was sickened by herself. When he stepped closer she thought of that and she thought of all the times he'd hugged her, if he had known then but never said. If he had, why hadn't he told her that it was disgusting and wrong what she was doing to her body? Everyone that had suspected always thought that she was doing it because she felt fat because it was the general consensus that people who starved themselves did it to lose weight purposefully. Layla had never worried about being skinny because she had always been an athletic child who loved eating all of the weird healthy things that her parents whipped up.
Her problem was a lack of caring. She didn't care if she was fat or if she was skinny. She didn't care if she was getting the substance she needed, or whether she was withering away. Since Luca, she hadn't been given a reason to take care of herself. The only reason she had was because her parents had been forcing her to because they had cared. More so when their reputation was on the line. Once Nicholas was born, she had found her reason to take care of herself because she had to be able to care for him.
But death was its trigger.
Layla wanted to step closer to Patch, she wanted his comfort, but she couldn't stand the idea now that he knew she was sick. And she couldn't help but wonder if he hated her for keeping it from him. For being this way while she had a child. "I-I didn't know how...I've never told anyone, Patch. I wasn't even the one who told my parents, they made me go to the doctor when it started becoming noticeable." She didn't dare tell him at what age that had been though. If he knew she'd been like this for half of her life, what would he think of her? "I also...I didn't want you to look at me like that...."
Post by Patch Adams on Feb 25, 2016 13:54:11 GMT -6
The whole time Layla was quiet, Patch tried to concentrate on the loud giggles and squealing coming from Emma's room and he fed off that happiness. His shadows were really working on overdrive trying to reach out to Layla. Almost as if it was trying to pull her in.
When she began to speak, he listened, willing himself not to counter whatever she said. When she mentioned that he had a look, he looked up, a little confused. "Like what exactly Lay? Like a concerned friend? Like someone who wants what's best for you but doesn't know what to do?"
Post by Layla Harlow on Feb 25, 2016 14:03:05 GMT -6
His questions made her flinch and she took another step back because she couldn't handle this. She couldn't handle him being angry with her or upset by what she'd done. She wanted to take it back, she wanted to try again, to walk out and come back in like nothing had even happened. Again she found herself asking why she couldn't have had the ability to wipe memories and instead was stuck enhancing them and remembering every single detail about every moment of her life. She wanted to forget this, she wanted to forget the way he was reacting because it only made her feel more sick. Layla wanted a lot of things, but she was given this situation and she couldn't figure out what to do with it.
"Like I'm fucking broken, Patch. Like I can't take care of myself. Because you know that people who think I can't take care of myself also think I can't fucking take care of my son. I didn't tell you expecting you to fix it, I didn't want to tell you at all for exactly this reason." She shook her head and looked down, curling her arms tighter around her body, "I don't want to fight, or argue with you. I don't want you to fix me because it's not your responsibility. I don't want to be talking about this. All I wanted from coming here was you and Emma. All I need from you is to tell me that I'm not completely fucked up and that I'll get through this."
Tears had sprung to her eyes and when she looked back up at him, a few slid down her cheeks, "I need you now, okay? But I'm not good at reaching out and asking for help or comfort..."
Post by Patch Adams on Feb 25, 2016 22:15:08 GMT -6
Layla's response surprisingly caught him off guard. He knew what he said was extremely selfish; he had made all this about him and that was completely unfair to Layla.
As she spoke, Patch looked down on the floor, his socked feet digging into the mosaic tile underneath him, a habit he had since he was a child when he did something wrong and was being scolded for it.
The fact was, he didn't think she was fucked up. He didn't even think she needed fixing. But they both knew that if she didn't do something about it, the kid she loved was the one who would get the brunt of it.
Sighing softly, he turned to face her just as she faced him. "I'm here. I'm always here. There's nowhere else I could be." He stated before pulling Layla into his arms, leaving enough room for her to pull away if she didn't want it.
Post by Layla Harlow on Feb 25, 2016 22:35:50 GMT -6
Layla wasn't sure what to expect from him at this point. She'd known him for long enough to know that he hadn't meant to upset her. They didn't fight about anything serious ever, they both just worried horribly about each other. That was them. This wasn't and that's why she hated it so much. Her whole situation was screwing everything up between them and she couldn't bear to think about pushing him away because of what she was going through.
When they met each other's eyes, she feared for the worst. She wondered what would happen if he got angry with her for saying what she had because she could hear the two children down the hall having the time of their lives. Ignorance was bliss, and she envied them. What was she going to tell Nicholas if they had to leave? The seven year old would know immediately that her and Patch were fighting and he'd be hell bent on trying to help. She didn't want to fight and she didn't want to leave.
Patch spoke and her body practically sagged with relief. He pulled her into his arms and she hesitantly allowed it. Once she got past her initial disgust of her own body and what he must think, she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his chest. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," She mumbled into his shirt, her fingers curling into the fabric.