Tainted Love

[Alexandra Lawson]

"I'm just stupidly unlucky when it comes to this kind of thing."  Alex moaned as she shook the Skittles she held around in her hand.  The shelled candies clacked lightly together as she spoke.  "I mean, my first boyfriend made me think we were together for, like, two years before dropping the bomb that we'd 'grown apart'."  She made a face and shook her head before popping a few of the candies into her mouth with an almost defiant motion.  "Like, what's that even mean, anyway?  It was a long distance relationship.  Yeah, duh we grew apart."  She threw her hands up with an exasperated sigh.  "And this whole thing with Artemis being gone now."  A hint of sadness touched Alex's gaze then as she spoke.

Alex had been ranting for a few minutes, bemoaning her string of bad fortune in the romance department to her friend and confidant, Erin Hackett.  The two girls were in Alex's room with some terrible 80's slasher flick being ignored on the TV and a few bags and snack containers strewn about.  Alex was, as she put it, having a 'girl freak out'.  It wasn't nearly as trying as a panic attack, nor was it overly depressing or sad, she was merely in need of a good venting session with someone who would listen to her whine and more for a while then tell her to shut up once she started to repeat herself.  


She'd already gone over the heartbreak of her newly ended relationship and expressed her discontent at how brief the romance had been.  From her spot sprawled out on her bed, a bag of Skittles sitting nearby, Alex continued her tales of woe.  "Oh, god."  Her eyes rolled as she so obviously had much more to say.  "And I saw Sam, my ex, the other day and that didn't end well."  She sighed, her tone growing far more serious though it was still exasperated.  "You ever have someone you know is bad... someone who..."  She paused a moment as the memories crept into her mind and pushed away all amusement, mirth or merriment that was usually found within the redhead girl.  She gave a heavy sigh and continued, her voice subdued.  "Sam hurt me."  She confessed, turning her eyes to Erin.  "Bad.  And didn't care.  I was crushed.  It got so bad that Ezra had to drag me out of my room... by force.  But there's something I just can't shake.  As bad as it was, and it was bad, something inside still misses what we had."  Alex's head shook as she sighed again and slumped back against the mound of pillows that was keeping her propped up.  "I don't know."  She groaned.  "I think I'm just going to get a house up in the mountains and stop bothering with all this."

[Erin Hackett]

Erin had to admit that she always enjoyed it when Alex would invite her over to watch some old school slasher films. It was always nice to point out what was wrong with them, if you spotted a string, or if they used chocolate syrup for a blood scene and something close to it. However; this time Alex was venting to her. Erin was actually happy about that because she had read that when a girl started to vent to you, that meant that she trusted you more, and that you were making her feel better by being there for you. Of course Erin wanted all of that, even if the current conversation did feel a bit awkward.

It was not the first time that Alex had opened up and told Erin this kind of thing, or more specifically about a person in particular; that Erin was so going to destroy. She sat still on Alex's bed, avoiding the other girl telling her to come up there with her and made sure to keep her eyes focused on Alex and not letting them wonder of the other girl's body. Erin had never been in a relationship before and thus didn't really know what to say. She read that sometimes it was just enough to listen, so that was what she did as she reached careful into Alex's hand to grabbed a few skittles; having eating all that were in the bag she was given from the nerves of just being alone with Alex again.

She hoped she would get used to it, but deep down the fantasies were still there and thus not letting her fully relax around the other girl. Was it bad that she was happy that Alex was no longer with Artemis? Perhaps as a friend it was bad to think that way but she could not help but to feel like now she had a chance, at least in her mind. She knew Alex was still very much straight and not interested in her like that, plus it was not like she actually thought she would be able to ask Alex out. "I-I'm sorry that things didn't work out with you and him. I...I could tell you liked him a lot but, I'm sure you will find someone out there who is right for you and won't leave you behind. I...I know that I uh...will always be there for you." Erin spoked up, looking away and munching on skittles as she talked.

Someone who won't go anywhere, who say can show you the world, is super badass at video games, and has natural red hair. Erin thought to herself as a small smile touched her lips for a moment. Then the topic of Sam came up and how Alex had run into them again. The few skittles that remained in Erin's hand soon found themselves being squished little but little. She wanted to pay, even more now that this Sam guy was around again. Erin did feel a little dishearten to hear that some part of Alex still wanted them, but she said nothing on it. "You can't do that. The mountains do not have the best internet or cell phone reception. I would not survive up there and you can't leave your friend behind." Erin said as she reached out to poke Alex's cheek. It was the best she could do in terms of getting enough gull to even touch the girl in a playful manner.

[Alexandra Lawson]

"Thanks." Alex offered a melancholy smile at Erin's words of encouragement that still somehow managed to be bright and vibrant. She shifted her body to nudge at Erin with her shoulder in a simple, yet subtly affectionate gesture. "Yeah, well, I don't think I'll be worrying about that any time soon." She said, tilting her head back so she could drop a couple of the fruit flavored candies into her mouth. "You know, things were so much simpler before." She mused thoughtfully as she shifted the candies to her cheek while she spoke. Her mind flashed to a certain set of twins who had pushed her away at the news of her ultimately doomed relationship. "Like, I could just sit around in my underwear and eat Cheetos all day and no worry about impressing anyone." God, if she was whining any harder she'd almost demand they go get ice cream just to fit the stereotype.

"But Eriiiiin." Alex whined and shifted, plopping her head onto Erin's lap while stretching the last syllable of her name out. She couldn't fully explain the long dormant emotions that had been resurrected by the chance encounter in the locker rooms with her ex. Alex knew Sam was bad news. Knew everything they had was little more than an elaborate ruse built to stroke the ego of someone who just wanted to use Alex in the worst way. And yet, why was she laying here thinking of the sordid nights (and occasional morning or afternoon) they had shared?

"This sucks." She whimpered before turning into Erin and throwing an arm around her. The change in position, though, did facilitate the need to start chewing the Skittles she'd had sitting in her mouth. "Is this whole 'love' thing even worth it?"

[Erin Hackett]

Erin just gave a nod at the thanks. She felt like she had unlocked several achievements already with this little interaction. There was the 'Listen To A Girl Talk About Her Boyfriend Problems', 'Listen To A Girl Vent To You', and of course the 'Supportive Friend' that Erin was sure she got. However; she knew she could not take all of the credit since some of this info she had gotten from reading up on how to make friend, keep friends, and how to stop crushing on your straight friend. The last was not going so well, but that just meant more reading and working on being a better friend. She really did want to be a good friend to Alex since the other girl was so kind to her and just treated her well.

It also did help that while it made her all hot and bothered, she actually did love how physical Alex was with her. Sure Alex was like that with everyone she was close to, but Erin still likes to imagine that she was a little special. Along with a whole bunch of other stuff she liked to imagine that didn't really help with the whole 'straight girl crush' problem she had. Erin didn't say anything as Alex voices how she would not be worrying about it any time soon. That was good, right? "Oh?" Erin asked when Alex said it was simpler before. She honestly didn't know why she said anything but she was a little curious what Alex meant by that. Erin did know Alex before she had a boyfriend so maybe...no, she was overthinking things.

The words that left Alex mouth had Erin quickly turning red as she could not help but to picture Alex in her underwear and eating Cheetos. She had seen the other girl in her underwear for like a second or too, but not the Cheetos bit. Either way she was already feeling that feeling return to the pit of her stomach as started to play with a button on her jacket. "N-never tried the uh...sitting around in my underwear thing. Must be...comfy." Erin spoke up because something was going to leave her mouth and she wanted it to be something not creepy. Then there was the whine, followed by Alex lying on her lap. Oh no. The words floated across her mind as she swallowed.

"S-sorry that it sucks and that you have to deal with...that stuff." Erin responded as she looked away to help settle her heart that was already beating faster just by Alex being her usual snuggling self. Then there was a question and in Erin's mind this would have been the perfect time to move the girl's hair, and kiss her. No words would need to be said because the kiss would say it all and it would have been a move someone in a movie made when they were ultra-cool and smooth. "I think so...I mean like...who does not want to be loved by someone so much that they feel like they are the only person in the world that matter to...the other person." Erin spoke up as she hastily reached to move some of Alex's long red hair out of her face. Then of course froze.

[Alexandra Lawson]

"Yeah." Alex nearly whimpered. As noisy, colorful and energetic as Alex usually was she still enjoyed simple. She didn't dress in the complicated layers as many other girls, usually opting to go with little more than jeans or shorts and a shirt or sweater, she always got a headache if she kept her hair in a tight, elaborate style for too long and she just simply didn't like conflict or change. She wanted simple. Easy. Predictable to a point.

"I guess you don't have to but you usually want to look nice, for your boy, or girl, friend." Alex added this last part, tilting her head just slightly to peer up to Erin. "Yeah, I know there's the whole liking you for who are stuff but, come on, who doesn't like those little looks you get when they see you from across the room and you know the stupid bun your hairdo is in might give you a headache in half an hour, but it's worth it." Which in saying it out loud made Alex realize just how little sense that made.

Alex exhaled with a huff and turned again, this time into Erin so she could bury her face into the girl's lap. "No one wants to walk in on their girlfriend in her dorm wearing the same shirt she's had on for three days and covered in Cheeto dust while yelling at some stupid twelve year old over XBox Live." Was a much more graphic and succinct way of attempting to get her point across.

Erin's words then caught Alex's attention. There was something about the way the came out that struck Alex as odd. Once more she tilted, peering up at Erin through a few stray strands of crimson hair that were affectionately brushed aside. Alex lay with her head in Erin's lap, looking up to her for a long moment. "You look like you've got something on your mind." She asked, her tone dropping to just above a hushed whisper.

[Erin Hackett]

The whimper made Erin’s heart just wants to reach out and pull Alex into her chest, which was a very violent graphic imagine inside Erin's mind now. She blamed all the video games but she understood why she had thought in such a way. Erin just wanted Alex to know that her looks didn't matter because Alex looked sexy pretty much twenty-four seven to Erin. Of course she could not say that and instead just ended up chewing on her lip a little bit. It sucked when you had something to say to someone and you just didn't have it in you to actually come out and just say it.

Darn real world problem, video games were so much easier then this...and yet she didn't want this to be a video game. She liked that this was...real. Alex voice how you didn't really have to worry about it but how you wanted to. Erin's mouth opened yet again to try and say something but once more she just ended up closing her mouth to click her teeth with her tongue a few times, mentally scolding herself. The looks I'm pretty much giving you all the time but you never notice because I'm me and you are super straight. Curse straight girl crushes. The huff and the turn onto her lap had her quickly covering her mouth to muffle the sound the escape her.

Holy, shit, fuck! Why did she do that! Body no! Why did you do that! Erin thought to herself, swearing more like a sailor inside her mind. Why did Alex have to bury her face into her lap like that? Had that been a moan that had almost escape? Erin hoped not and was quickly playing it off like she had just sneezed. "I would. Like...I mean I would be fine if that was what my girlfriend was in when I came back. I mean she would be comfortable and I could be stupid and be all, letmelicktheCheetosoffofyou-have any more skittles?!" Erin started to stammer and outright panic when she had blurted out the bit of what she would say in that situation.

This was bad. Bad in terms of being her mind was way too far into the gutter and her body was responding too much to having Alex laying on her lap. She knew she should have watched a rated R movie last night, that might of helped avoid all of this. Then there was the whole bold move of moving Alex's hair out of her face and then that awkward silence. Silence that was broken by Alex speaking up about how Erin looked like she had something on her mind. "Me? Oh-I'm cool. Nothing at all, just thinking about doing things-I mean seeing things...er like I'm just thinking about what you were talking to me about." Erin said, just filling like she was digging herself into a hole now. Also thinking about how I really really want to kiss you.

[Alexandra Lawson]

There was no stopping the broad grin that slowly spread across Alex's face as Erin presented her answer to the Cheeto dust predicament. Alex wasn't a prude, at least she didn't think so, and she felt as though food had a time and a place, the bedroom during any sort of naughty wasn't one of them. Still, she couldn't help a soft giggle from escaping and she brought a hand up to her face to cover her mouth in the process. "You're bad." She exclaimed, her eyes gleaming brightly. "And yes I have Skittles. When do I not? On the bag there on the table."

Slowly Alex pushed herself up to a sitting position. She was still facing Erin, though she'd pulled away enough to let the both of them breathe a little. Alex had started putting the pieces together after their trip to Japan. She could only remain clueless for so long before she noticed the sometimes no-so-subtle hints Erin was dropping. There was no mistaking that Alex was confused and vulnerable. She wasn't in the running for having the worst year ever by a long shot but she was an emotional young woman who was still trying to find her place in what could be a cruel, unforgiving world. One friend getting cancer, losing her boyfriend and a wealth of other minor issues going on left her in a fragile state.

"Sometimes you should be opening doors instead of looking at them." Alex said after a long pause. She turned away, not knowing why she said that. It sounded like an invitation for Erin. Did Alex want to invite Erin into something? At this point, Alex wasn't sure. She remembered the kiss they had shared in Japan with a certain fondness. But Alex couldn't let herself fall victim to making a mistake with a friend. "At least Sam used to say things like that." She added breathing a sigh of relief as she was able to stave off the surging emotions at least for another moment. "Sometimes I think she thought she was some great philosopher who had everything figured out." She said weakly with a roll of her eyes.

[Erin Hackett]

Erin was just pleased that Alex didn't freak out or move away from her when she spoke of the whole licking Cheetos off of someone. Erin personally never tried it but she would not be against trying it or a number of other things if she ever were to have the opportunity. Why not explore things a little and find out different ways to spice things up. Plus, what if you were hungry but just really wanted the other person? Then you got the best of both words. Yes, Erin had thought about this sort of thing before, a little too much but that was Erin Hackett for you.

She could not help but to smile and be stuck with her blush as Alex spoke of how she was bad. "Maybe a little." Erin said. Pissssh, you wish. Erin thought to herself. Yes, she could be bad and had done bad things but she didn't know if she was bad in that specifics area. She had never done such a thing before and only had her fantasy world and the internet to go off of pretty much everything. "T-thanks." Erin responded as she waited for Alex to get up so she could get more skittles. It was not like she really wanted them and it was more so she could have something in her mouth and also something to distract herself with. Her mind was just sitting in the gutter too much at the moment and something sweet would hopefully change that.

She did go back to where she was sitting once she had grabbed herself a bag, knowing she would not be able to handle getting a look from Alex who would likely tell her to come back over there. Thus it was best to avoid all of that. Erin had no clue that Alex had started to finally catch on; feeling like Alex would have just remained innocent forever with it, which she didn't mind. It would help her get over the crush, right? Then there were words, ones that had Erin pausing before she opened her bags of skittles. Was...was that an invention? No, surely Erin had to have been over thinking what Alex was saying like she normally did. She didn't say anything at first and just opened the candy while tossing a few into her mouth. She didn't even know that Alex remembered the kiss, assuming it was something drunkenly forgotten and something she alone had to remember.

Then there was a comment about Sam that had Erin looking at the ground for a moment, not wanting Alex to have to be thinking about such a person. "I...I don't know if the door I'm looking into allows...girls in it. Hell, I don't even know if I could open the door or if I should. I'm not...I'm just Erin and the door is just...she...it deserves the best." Erin said, trying to not make it clear that she was talking about Alex being that door. Hell, she was already feeling that familiar feeling again. It was time to run.

[Alexandra Lawson]

Alex's eyes closed as Erin replied. She didn't know what the kiss the two of them had shared in Japan meant to Erin, nor did she know the true thoughts that coursed through the natural redhead's mind whenever she looked at her. What Alex did know was that Erin liked her. There had been too many not-so-subtle hints for Alex to remain ignorant. At first she didn't believe it any more than she believed the idea that anyone could develop a crush of sorts on her. Then, when it became more obvious, Alex didn't want to believe it. When the signs became more numerous and apparent Alex had a boyfriend. Granted, that hadn't stopped them from kissing but it did prevent Alex from letting her mind wander into 'what if' territory. Now that she was single it felt as though the world around her was falling apart leaving her confused and scared.

"Erin." Alex said sternly, shifting to close the distance between the two. "Erin." She said again, though the other was still talking about doors and whether or not girls could open them. "Stop." Alex reached up and placed her hand gently onto Erin's mouth. She felt a tingling sensation as her fingertips grazed softly along Erin's lips. The night in Japan came rushing back to her. There was no denying the kiss had been as welcome as Erin's presence had always been since they met.

"I know." Alex said with a sharp exhale of breath. Carefully she dropped her hand, allowing her fingertips to linger upon Erin's skin before pulling away. "I'm clueless but I'm not that bad." She looked to Erin with an almost pained expression in her eyes. There was a reluctance to continue speaking as conflicting emotions in her heart clashed violently. "I like you, I really do." She paused as her head shook slowly, eyes remaining locked up on Erin. "But I'm not ready for this."

[Erin Hackett]

All of it had meant a lot to Erin, even if she tried to not let herself get wrapped all up in it because she assumed Alex was gay. On top of that Alex did have a boyfriend in the past, not when they first met but sometime in there, and yet Erin still kissed her on that trip in Japan. This had to be all her fault if Alex was upset in anyways. She could already start to feel herself feeling bad just thinking about it. She was an awful friend; a friend did not take advantage of a friend in a drunken state and most certainly not know.

She felt like she should have just remained silent and never went to talk about this door thing. Yet, she did. She was trying to in a way 'open the door' as Alex had put it without really opening it. More like peek inside and see if it was safe, but she was not able to get everything out as Alex called out her name and ended up telling her to stop. Erin's eyes quickly were looking down the bed sheets at being told to stop and she did. The fingers against her lips felt wonderful, soft, and reminded her of the kiss. She would never forget the kiss, she didn't want to. Alex knew. Erin didn't say anything, she was pretty sure she had just died in that moment.

Her heart must have stopped there for a moment or two and no doubt the blushing was still taking over her face. Any longer and she was probably going to pass out from all the blood rushing back and forth and not flowing properly from these heart stops; if her heart actually stopped. It felt like it did. Erin wanted to reach up and hold that hand, but she also wanted to run away and not have Alex look at her every again. Why would Alex ever want to see her now that she had figured out the truth? It was only a matter of time; Erin was very bad at hiding it. Alex's touch lingered, causing goosebumps to start to appear on Erin's skin as she tried to not think about it too much.

She had to stop, Alex said stop. Alex knew how she felt, was clueless but not that bad. Alex liked her...but was not ready for this. For what? A relationship? Erin didn't think it was possibly anyone would ever want to; especially not Alex who she was still assuming was straight but maybe a little curious. "I...I'm sorry...I didn't-I should not have...you don't..." Erin tried to clear thing up, make it better, but she didn't know what to say. She felt like she was drowning in her words and it was clear a panic attack was starting as she started to move back on the bed.

[Alexandra Lawson]

"Erin, please." Alex pleaded as Erin moved to pull further away. The concern in her eyes became all the more apparent as she witnessed the distress creeping into Erin's gaze. She never meant for any of this to happen. Never wanted to draw one of her closest friends in and hurt them like this. Her head shook as she moved forward, crawling across the bed after Erin if she had to. She didn't know how to explain that she had enjoyed the kiss, that she wanted more but her life was too fragile and erratic to trust with Erin's heart.

"Listen, please." Again she pleaded, this time reaching out with both hands to grasp hold of Erin's arm in hopes of keeping her close. Alex didn't want to hurt her friend like this. Didn't want to break her heart. Worst of all, Alex didn't want to be alone. "What happened before was amazing. I kissed you back because I wanted to, remember?" Emotions were running high and, unfortunately for Alex, when that happened she inevitably started to tear up. "I never wanted to hurt you." She insisted weakly. "When I saw Sam the other day how she made me feel scared me." She admitted, releasing what hold she had left on Erin's arm and sitting on the bed, knees tucked beneath her legs. Her head lowered, causing her bright red hair to fall to the sides of her face. "I don't think I'm over her." That admission caused a visible cringe as the words were spoken. "And with everything else..." Alex's voice lowered at that point. She was nearing the end of her rope. She couldn't take it anymore. "Something's wrong." She said suddenly. "I'll hurt you." Slowly her pain filled gaze lifted to Erin. "I'll hurt everyone."

[Erin Hackett]

The other girl was pleasing with her; it was clear in her voice, her eyes, and even her actions as she moved closer. It just made Erin want to run all the more because she didn't know how to process any of this. Why was Alex not mad at her? Why didn't the other girl hate her for kissing her back in Japan; if she remembers, and why had she not told Erin to leave her alone once she was sure how Erin felt? Didn't people stop being friends with someone when they found out they liked them? True she read in several places that there were a lot of friends who ended up crushing on one another, because how could you not end up at least a little attracted to someone who meant so much to you?

Erin kept scooting, pretty much until Alex grabbed a hold of her. Erin didn't have it in her to pull out of the girl's hold and also knew she would have felt bad if she ran off just now. It was clear that Alex didn't want to be left alone and only a bad friend would run off when they were needed the most. Despite how she felt like her chest was going to explode and how it was becoming harder to breath, she stayed where she was. Trying to calm down as she obeyed Alex's words to listen. Alex made it clear that she did in fact remember the kiss, that it was amazing and that she actually wanted to kiss her. Erin thought it was mostly the drink and just the heat of the moment that caused Alex to react back.

Honestly Erin had been confused by all of it and just went with it because she was selfish and wanted those kisses. Like a bad friend. Alex already looked like she was going to cry, which hurt and it was clear that Erin was struggling a little to breath. She didn't have asthma but a panic attack made it feel like it. Erin didn't say anything, she just listened as Alex confessed how she didn't want to hurt Erin, how she still had feelings for Sam...who was a her. Wait, Sam was a girl?! So Alex was not straight. That’s not what you are supposed to be taking out of all of this. Erin mentally scolded herself, yet again ashamed how she was yet again caring about herself in a way.

"A-Alex..." Erin managed to get out. There was some hesitation for a moment before she slowly reached a hand out to pat Alex's back, trying to comfort her. What should she say? What would a good friend say? What did Erin deep down feel would be the right thing to do? "I'm not...I'm not scared of you hurting me. I'm scared that I won't be enough...that I won't be good for you...that you won't want to deal with me anymore." Erin admitted as she took a deep breath to still work on calming herself down. "I don't need you to uh...you don't have to care about me back...I thought you were straight this whole time so never thought that...I would ever have a chance with you so I don’t...need it or..." Erin struggled, clearly trying to work out what she wanted to say that made sense and also made it clear that she honestly was not worried about herself and it was the other way around.

"I r-read that uh...it's good to take time for yourself to like...figured yourself out and what you want, before...relationships so. If that’s what you need, then do it. If you want. I just...it's selfish but I just don't want you to stop dealing with me." Erin admitted. That was what she was most worried about, losing the other girl.

[Alexandra Lawson]

Alex's face twisted into a mask of heartache as Erin spoke. Her head shook as the tears slowly began to roll down her cheeks. She didn't want any of this. She didn't want Erin to take the brunt of the emotional damage or feel as though she wasn't good enough. If the turmoil that Alex's life had slowly slipped into hadn't been more than she could handle there had been tiny shifts something roiling around in her mind had brought about. New, alien thoughts and emotions had started to slowly filter in that left her all the more confused and afraid.

"No, no, no." All the while Erin spoke Alex's head shook and she softly uttered the word over and over. Nothing Erin said was true. Alex would never push her away. Alex never did anything halfway and that included loving those she was close to. Erin was part of what Alex considered the greatest batch of friends-turned-unofficial-family a person like her could ever imagine having. She did, in every sense of the word love Erin and cherished every moment she got to spend with her. She reached up, a hand pressing against Erin's upper arm. "Don't say that." She said as the tears continued to fall. She felt every stitch of heartache that Erin must have gone through in order to get those gut wrenching words out.

"I don't know what's going on." Alex said, pausing to sniff and wipe the palm of her hand across her cheek. "As much as I would like to say I'm okay I'm not and I'm sorry if I've hurt you. Just know..." There was a stern determination that pierced through the sorrow as Alex's eyes focused upon Erin's. "You're never not enough. Okay?" She insisted, searching Erin's gaze for a moment. "You hear me? Never. I can't give you what you want." The words themselves seemed to break Alex's heart as her soft features twisted into a mask of misery and heartache right before Erin's eyes. A flood of tears were waiting just beneath the surface, only just barely held back. "But I need you, Erin." She croaked, swallowing hard as the next round of tears dropped from her blinking eyes. "Please don't go."

[Erin Hackett]

Erin just felt even worse as tears started to leave Alex's eyes. Dam it all, she was still doing all of this so wrong. She needed to do more research, try harder, and maybe just stop talking. Erin honestly thought all of this was her fault, that she was a bad friend, and that she was hurting Alex as a result. she didn't want to hurt the other girl but she also didn't want to lose her. Was it selfish to want to keep someone close to you when you were hurting them? It seemed like it was, but Erin could not help but to be selfish because she didn't want to lose this friend.

Not over something like really liking her and having pretty much made out with her when they had gone to Japan together. She just Alex would forgive her for it all, because she knew she could make sure that she would never do any of it again. Alex was saying no the whole time, shaking her head and crying. What could Erin do? Why was she doing everything wrong? She was already starting to feel sick now, with the panic attack still having hit her and the urge to cry was filling up inside her. Alex was reaching out then, a hand pressing against her upper arm and Alex telling her not to say that. Erin just stopped talking again as he eyes looked down to the floor until Alex was speaking again.

Alex spoke of how she didn't know what was going on, that she wanted to say that she was okay, but that she was sorry if she hurt her. That she didn’t want Erin to think that she was not enough. Erin just slowly nodded her head, not able to find it in herself to dare speak as her vison started to go blurry from the tears that were trying to slip out. Erin didn't say anything about how Alex could not give her what she wanted, but she didn't agree with the statement. "T-then you can't say that. That you can't give me what I need because...I need you too. I need you to want me around." Erin admitted as she started to cry as well. This was something similar with Quinn when she had tried to get the guy to understand that she wanted to be his friend and that she wanted him to want her to be his friend.

She needed to be wanted, to feel like people did want her in their lives, and to know that she had real people. People that were not stuff animals, over the internet, and people that she could actually hold onto and not feel like she was going to disappear. "I...I won't." Erin responded as she rubbed at her own eyes. Even if she really did want to go, run, and hide; she was going to stay. Alex needed her and she needed to be a good friend and stay there for her. It took a moment and Erin clearly hesitated before she moved to go for a hug. Hugs always made her feel better when she got them from her dad so figured it would help settle Alex down. That and she needed a 'tether' of sorts to keep her here with the girl and not running off.

[Alexandra Lawson]

The tears flowed freely now as Alex silently listened to Erin as she forced out her words. Alex's head shook slowly. Erin didn't understand that she had done nothing wrong. Erin wasn't to blame here, Alex was. It had been the manic pixie's fault they were here right now. If she had been brave enough to confront the problem head on, to take advantage of the affection and attention Erin had offered. Erin was sensitive, Alex knew. Even if she'd never admit it there was no way Alex hadn't been able to glean this from her numerous interactions with her friend.

"If someone ever doesn't want you around they're not worth it." Alex still managed to insist, her voice not wavering, eyes never leaving Erin's. "Why can't you see that you're so much better than you give yourself credit for?" Alex then dropped her gaze, though she leaned forward into Erin's hug, her arms quickly slipping around the girl and holding onto her tightly. "I'll always love you." Alex said between stifled sobs. She still tried desperately to cling to the last thread of composure she could muster. "You'll always be my friend." She sniffed before pulling back just enough to peer up to Erin, catching her gaze and studying it quietly. "Is that enough?" She asked, ready to accept a hard answer.