she needed her

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

{happens shortly after this thread; also I am so verrah sorry Mel}

Alice Hobbs

No matter how much Zoe told herself she didn't, she knew she needed her. She knew she shouldn't want to call her, that it would be a mistake. Zoe felt raw, as though Devyn had flayed her open and left her nerves exposed to the slightest touch. She'd thought that she'd moved on, found her strength, possibly found something new. Relationships had been built, but Zoe just wanted to forget, to move on and forget everything that had happened to her. She'd stopped thinking, her trembling hands punching into her phone.

"Please don't say anything," she whispered, her voice nearly raw, still choked with tears, "please, not until I'm done. I know... I know you're probably going to hang up on me, that you probably should hang up on me. This is crazy: I know that. I shouldn't be calling you. We've only gone out a few times, but... but I know--you're strong and---and I can't stop thinking about you. I know it's probably wrong and that you're not going to---to.---to I don't know, to even be with me anymore. You're going to hear this and think that I'm insane, that I'm not worth it, that you should just move along and forget all about me. I wouldn't blame you."

Zoe took another deep breath, wiping at her eyes, which had welled worse. This was horribly unfair, and she knew it. She shouldn't do this to her, but, but she couldn't. If she didn't... she didn't...

"I'm just... it's so raw," she said, taking a deep breath, "and I need someone and---and you're so strong and you're there and I know we're just starting and this is so unfair...so unfair. I shouldn't be calling you," she took a deep breath, feeling her body quake, "but I just--- I need someone right now, someone I can hold and-- and someone who can help me forget or--or be who I need to be or---I don't know what I need. I just... I need... someone to hold me right now, someone who can... I just---I really need you to come see me. I'm in my room and---and I just---I need you right now. I know it's late and that you probably want nothing to do with me and that's fine. If this is it, then I'll have to live with that. But right now, right now I really need you to come to me. I know it's unfair of me to ask, and I'll owe you forever and for always, but I just..."

Zoe took a deep breath, her hand trembling. "Alice, please come to me. I need you. Please."

[Alice Hobbs]

Seeing the number appear on the screen of her phone, Alice narrowed her eyes. It was unexpected -- because, of course it was. However, what was even more unexpected was the sound of Zoe's voice. She sounded... Well, broken. Shattered. Fragile. Everything Alice had once hated so much. "Hello?" the brunette's voice sounded, but she fell silent as Zoe started speaking. Her eyes narrowed further, and truth be told, she wanted to cut her off. She really did. She really did want to tell the girl to shut up and get a grip, but no matter how hard she tried, every time she opened her mouth, no words seemed to come flowing out. Instead, Alice sat there in complete silence, respecting the wishes of the girl she had grown so suddenly fond of, so suddenly.

Had it been anyone else. Anyone else on the entire planet, Alice would have hung up. She wouldn't even have considered it. But she did. Of course she did. She listened carefully to every word, every pitch and every heartbreaking sound coming from the other end. She was crying, or about to. That much was obvious. What probably shocked her the most, was that Alice found herself actually caring. 

She didn't get mad. She didn't get annoyed. All the sass and sarcasm she'd usually respond with wasn't even there. She didn't have the heart to.

"I'll be right over," she replied instead, and hung up.

She didn't hesitate with pushing herself up from the chair; luckily, Alice didn't live far from the school, so actually getting there wasn't a hard feat to achieve. Taking the car, it took the brunette roughly ten minutes to arrive, and another few minutes to find Zoe's dorm room. Once there, the brunette lifted her hand, hovering it in the air as she hesitated. Was she supposed to knock or walk straight in? Why did she even care? Giving the door a knock, she reached her hand out to see if the door was open.

Why was she so nervous?

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Just four words, just a meager four in response to Zoe's word vomit, but it was the four that she most wanted to hear. She nodded, forgetting that Alice wouldn't see the gesture. The phone went dead, and Zoe moved to curl in on herself. Alice should have cut her off, really, and Zoe was surprised. She also figured that the other girl would immediately tell her to pull it together... and some part of her realized that was exactly what she wanted. It may be sad, but Zoe drew on other people, the relationships, because she knew she didn't have the strength to draw on herself. Alice was so strong that Zoe just knew that she could draw on her, draw until she could stand beside her and actually be a person.

The girl didn't know how long it had been. Probably just minutes, though it felt like ages. Then a knock at the door, one that made Zoe let out a slight laugh. As if Alice needed to knock after that, as if anyone else would show. Zoe pulled herself upright, just as she heard her door turn. She turned her face, hot tears still pouring down her face, eyes still inflamed, lips quivering, and watched the door move, watched Alice arrive.

"You came," said Zoe, her voice barely above a whisper. She didn't remember the next part, where she crossed the room. Her arms somehow found their way around Alice and her lips met the other girl's. The kiss wasn't tame. It was sloppy, needy, emotional, rough around the edges. It was Zoe pouring herself through her lips for a few desperate seconds, likely until Alice peeled her off or the girls needed to come up for air.

Because the moment Alice had showed, Zoe fell just a little bit more in love with her.

[Alice Hobbs]

As the door opened, Alice wasn't given much chance to react, or perhaps it just felt like she hadn't, before she found Zoe's arms around her and her lips against hers. Instinctively Alice's body stiffened and her arms kind of just hang loosely down her sides. She wasn't entirely sure what to make of all of this, but after what felt like minutes (though, it was more seconds), Alice hesitantly lifted her arms and placed her hands on the other girl's shoulders, giving her a little push so that she could separate the two of them; Not that she didn't appreciate the kiss, mind, this just didn't seem like the time. Then again, Alice never saw the time for being overly emotional.

Scanning Zoe's face, Alice's eyes were still narrowed. She studied her for a moment in complete silence before nodding. "Alright," she said, her voice barely above that of a whisper. Something was clearly wrong. Something was terribly wrong if people asked Alice out of everyone for some kind of comfort. She'd sooner pull out a broom and beat people than being the type to really comfort anyone.

"Go sit down before you drown yourself and take me with you," she ordered, pushing the thinner girl towards the closest place to sit. God, she felt so awkward and out of place. It felt so alien. Like she didn't belong in this setting. Though, that was hardly surprising, all things considered.

"And I highly suggest you take a few seconds to calm down. Possibly breathe into a bag. I'd rather actually hear what you have to say, rather than listening to someone hyperventilate." Despite her harsh words, the brunette attempted at something of a comforting smile. It felt awkward. It probably looked awkward.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

The narrowed eyes made Zoe gulp. Had kissing Alice been wildly inappropriate? Quite probably. Would Zoe have done any different knowing that Alice would give her that look? Quite probably not. Though the normally shy girl flushed deep as she saw that look, heard the whisper.

From anyone else, the next few words would have probably sent Zoe spiraling deeper. A sit down, done in an order that came with a physical motion. Zoe couldn't have really resisted Alice even if she hadn't been shaking and practically about to fall apart. As it was, she moved back to the place to sit, which happened to be the chair in front of a provided desk. There really was only that or the bed, and thankfully the latter hadn't been chosen (yet).

"Right, calm down," Zoe said, nodding. She realized that the words were harsh, but she saw the smile. It really didn't matter what Alice actually said: she'd came; she was standing there, looking at Zoe. That alone meant far more than anything the girl could actually say. Zoe took a few more breaths, nodding. "I'm... I'm trying," she said, taking another breath and feeling her chest catch in a sob. Her body and emotions were so torn between the sorrow of what happened and the joy of seeing Alice actually there that it made her shake. She looked down at her hands, not believing this had happened. She opened and closed those hands, trying to figure out what to do now.

And her lips tingled from the kiss...

[Alice Hobbs]

Allowing Zoe the time to move, to sit down and at least try to calm down, Alice remained silent, following the girl until she was seated. She watched her carefully, looking for any kind of signs, trying to understand what could have happened. Granted, as emotional as Zoe normally was, and as... Well, Zoe she was, it could have been anything. Alice wasn't going to pretend that she knew the girl well enough -- yet. She wanted to, but she didn't. All she could do for now was give her time.

"I know," Alice said, her voice softer now. She kneeled down next to the girl, tossing her brown curls over her shoulder and pressed her lips into a tight line. "I'm not-- I'm not going anywhere, so take your time, okay?" She didn't want to pressure her. With that, Alice reached out her hand and put it on Zoe's shoulder.

"I'm not going to ask you to talk about it if you don't want to," she began, averting her gaze. "But-- but, like I said," she added, licking her lips, "I'm not... I'm not going anywhere," she repeated. She was way out of her depth here. She didn't know what to do, what to say... She looked back at Zoe.

She felt so uncomfortable. So very, very uncomfortable. But not because she didn't want to be here, but because she didn't know how to be here. "What do you need to me to do, Zoe?"

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

She knew. Zoe nodded, continuing to nod as Alice insisted that she wasn't going anywhere. The touch made Zoe lean in slightly, hoping, praying that it was enough of an indicator that such a motion was allowed. The small girl sighed, enjoying the feeling of someone strong there. more words came, don't have to talk, not going anywhere. Zoe actually chuckled slightly. Alice clearly didn't know what to do, hadn't apparently done this before, or done this much before. Yet she was there.

Zoe looked up at Alice, more affection beaming in those brown eyes of her, those eyes that couldn't hide anything if the girl wanted to. She reached a hand up to mop at her eyes, taking another breath. "This is enough," she said, nodding, "your being here. It's enough, really," she flushed, biting her lip and looking away, "letting me kiss you was nice too," the blush deepened, nearly reaching Zoe's ears now. She let out another barely contained sob though, bringing a hand up to mop at her eyes.

"I'm sor--it's just... what happened it's..." she swallowed, then forced a smile, even as tears fell down. "You actually coming it---it made me so happy and--and I know it's stupid and that you're probably going to never want anything else to do with me, but... it means a lot, you being here," she sniffed again, rubbing at her eyes, then looked up at Alice. "Did you... did you want to know... why?" her voice quavered, and even as she asked, Zoe realized she should tell Alice. She owed the other girl that much, at the very least.

[Alice Hobbs]

Was it selfish of Alice to be glad that Zoe wasn't freaking out? She wasn't sure. But she was, because had she hyperventilated -- or worse, Alice wasn't sure how she would have handled things. She wasn't a motherly, comforting kind of person. She wasn't apathetic; she did care, she just didn't know how to properly show it, and there was only a few, handful of people who managed to ever get that far with her. "I don't think I really had much of a choice," she smiled, shaking her head a little. After all, she had kind of been.. Well. Whatever.

Alice was tempted to scold Zoe for thinking things like that, and normally, she would have. Now though, that didn't seem like the right thing to do. She'd rather not make things worse. "Whether or not I want something more to do with you is my choice to make," she said, shaking her head. "You should know by now that it takes a little more than..." she trailed off and shook her head again. "I'm not going anywhere," she said again. She meant it too. She did care about Zoe, despite what Zoe might have been thinking, and that actually went a long way. "Do you want to tell me?" Alice asked. She wasn't going to force Zoe to talk about it. She didn't want to push any buttons that Zoe didn't want pushed.

Had the roles been reversed, Alice would have wanted the same choice.

"I only want to know if it's something you want me to," she said, tilting her head as she gave Zoe's shoulder a light squeeze. She wasn't going to push. It wasn't in her nature. At least, not about these kind of things. She was curious. Of course she was. How couldn't she be? But right now, despite everything, this wasn't about what Alice wanted. This wasn't about Alice at all.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

"You had a choice," insisted Zoe, flushing a little deeper. She took another shaky breath, realizing only then how very quickly she'd managed to pull herself together. She didn't even move this quickly with Liz: what was it about Alice that made her want to be stronger? It had to be the girl herself, which just made Zoe all the gladder that she'd agreed.

More about choices, and Zoe let out another soft, sad laugh. Not going anywhere, though Zoe still thought she should. Some part of her wanted to ask what Alice was doing there, why she would come to Zoe when Zoe had just effectively bawled into the phone. But Zoe didn't want to really know the answer, and she certainly didn't want to push Alice away. If anything, she wanted to pull the girl closer.

And she realized that the biggest way to do so would be to show her the open wound Zoe had asked her to help heal.

A slight squeeze, and Zoe had to fight back more tears. "You'll probably think it's stupid," she said, though she brought a hand up to her eyes. "It's... my ex... Devyn... she... she showed up and... and we fought about... about our relationship and about," she looked to Alice, "our relationship or... um,' she bit her lip, flushing, "how I wanted us to have a chance and---and how I thought that--that that it couldn't happen without Devyn out of the picture entirely and---and she didn't take it well and---" she took another breath, feeling the tears coming, stopping up the flow of words.

[Alice Hobbs]

"No, I really didn't," Alice replied, though, there was no malice in her voice. It was a good thing, really. She was glad she didn't have much of a choice when it came to Zoe. She had a hard time admitting it out loud, but Alice was glad she had met Zoe. She could feel herself being pushed out of her comfort zone, and... It felt kind of nice. She was a long way from turning into one of those giddy, lovestruck girls, but she was... Happier.

Listening to what Zoe had to tell, Alice remained quiet until she had finished. The ex; Alice could vaguely remember hearing about her before. Something about a blog too, and then the uncomfortableness of coming out of the closet. "She hurt you, right?" Alice asked, tilting her head. "Would you have made the same choice had I not been here?" She lifted her hand. "Actually, let me rephrase that; do you want to have someone who hurt you, and continue doing so in your life? What do either of you gain from that? Wouldn't that simply hurt you further, and Devyn might think that having you around is a good thing, but in the end, it would only hurt her too, yes?" Alice might not have known a whole lot about love and feelings, but she knew a great deal about pain. She had felt her fair share.

"I don't think you should keep people around who put you down, just because you feel bad about leaving them. At the end of the day, you and your well being are the most important thing. It might sound selfish, but it's really not. After all, how are we supposed to contribute to this world, to ourselves and those around us if we're not happy?" Happiness was such a fragile thing, it needed to be protected.

"I can't tell you if you made the right choice or not, because you're the only one who can decide that, but if that's how you really feel, then that's all there is to it. Dev-- your ex is selfish for not allowing you to be happy. I don't know a lot about love, but I do like to think that when you really love someone, their happiness is more important than your own-- which totally contradicts what I said earlier..." She laughed.

"It was wrong of her to put you in that situation and get mad about your decision."

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Zoe nodded confirmation at the first question: Devyn had hurt her, badly. She'd only just started stitching herself back together after what had happened, and now it felt as though Devyn had just come along and pulled the thread. All of Zoe spilled back out the wound. Though now it seemed as though Alice would be willing to push it back...

... no, to help Zoe push it back, and that was the difference.

Did she want someone who hurt her? Who would. Zoe opened her mouth, to insist that it wasn't like that, to defend Devyn, though she didn't know why. The words didn't form before Alice continued. Don't be around people who put her down, do what it took to be lifted up, and there was something there that suggested that Alice was certainly among those. Can't tell or not, because of the whole choices thing. The ex was selfish, and it was wrong.

Zoe was quiet for a few moments, finally sniffing. "I really want to kiss you again," she admitted, flushing and looking away. "But, um, I--I do think I--I should have--probably--pushed her away even if--um, you weren't--but--but," she swallowed, looking to Alice, "I'm not---I'm not strong enough, not by myself," she bit her lip, licked her lips, "not yet. I--I want to be and--and I think that--that you,' she looked Alice in the eyes, "want me to be and--and--and I really would--" she swallowed again, looking down and smiling, "kissing would just be a lot easier right now."

[Alice Hobbs]

Nodding, Alice pursed her lips and sighed. "It doesn't matter what I want you to be," she said, narrowing her eyes. "What matters is what you want you to be." Yes, Alice could understand how easy it could be to lean on someone else, but that wasn't going to work in the long run. Zoe needed to learn to be strong on her own. Of course, Alice wanted to help, and she would too, but that didn't change the fact. "I believe in you."

As for the kissing... Yeah, Alice wouldn't have minded that either, but this was hardly the time. It was an escape, and Alice didn't think that was what Zoe needed right now. Right now she needed to deal with her problems and face them, rather than running away. "I agree," she said, smiling again. "But what's easy isn't always what's best."

"You made the healthiest choice. The choice that ensures your survival and well being. I think that makes you pretty strong. You took a stance. You protected yourself, and you chose your own happiness." Sure, she probably felt bad about pushing her ex away, who was clearly hurting, but at the end of the day, Devyn was at fault for her actions -- whatever it was that she had done. Zoe didn't strike Alice as the type to leave someone unless it was bad. Really bad.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

"But it does!" insisted Zoe, shaking her head. "It's not--it's not that I'm doing this just for you. I know I need to be stronger, to be my own person, to do what's right for me from time to time, but---" she swallowed, raising a hand up to work at her eye. "But it's important that I do it for you too---because--because you deserve someone who would do that for you and--I want to be someone you deserve and to deserve you--" she swallowed, flushing and looking away. Yes, it would definitely be easier to just kiss, especially as Zoe realized what she'd just implied: I don't deserve to be with you.

She swallowed again. Healthiest choice, the one that ensured her survival and well-being. That felt a little extreme to her, and it was odd how Alice worded it, how stiff and so forth, but, well, that was Alice, wasn't it? This was what Zoe had sort of hoped to hear from Alice. If the other girl had broken down and started talking emotionally then... then Zoe honestly wouldn't know what to do.

For now, she sniffed again, reaching up to rub at her eyes, which practically ached given how much she'd been crying.

[Alice Hobbs]

Quirking her brow, Alice studied Zoe's face as she spoke. What she implied was easy enough to see, though, Alice didn't agree, which was probably not a surprise. Laughing a little, the brunette shook her head. "You've done nothing to be undeserving, Zoe," she spoke, sighing. "I'm here, aren't I? Despite all odds..." Despite her own personality. "Besides, don't ever let anyone tell you what you deserve, or don't deserve. Only you can decide that. We're all equals, and we all deserve something great."

God, she felt so sappy for saying that. Normally, she would have been a lot harsher about it, but there was something about Zoe that just made her softer...

"I hope you feel better now," she said, looking up at Zoe. She gave her shoulder another squeeze before letting her arm drop. Then Alice did something she had never thought she was capable of. Leaning up, the brunette placed a kiss on Zoe's cheek. She felt awkward about it, but not in a bad way. It felt... Nice, actually. That she was capable of doing things like that, and that they felt.. Right.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Hadn't she though? Zoe could think of so many things she'd done to make her undeserving, from the little sins to the huge ones. Sometimes just feeling what she felt for someone like Alice felt like a sin, though Zoe couldn't say why. The bit about people being equals struck her as definitely wrong, and slightly sappy, especially for Alcie.

Zoe nodded at Alice's hope, feeling the squeeze. Then, seemingly out of no where, the darker girl bent down and kissed Zoe's cheek. Zoe's eyes went wide for a moment, shock registering. Then she smiled, looking shyly up at Alice. She'd initiated that one, and while it wasn't quite the lip stealing move that Zoe had made... it meant a lot. Just like her coming here. It was... Alice, really. Alice pushing herself. Zoe felt her heart swell again, but she leaned her head into Alice's shoulder.

"You're making it a lot easier to like you, you know," she said teasingly, moving to try and take one of Alice's hands in her own. She looked up at the girl, smiling, her eyes still wet from all the tears. "You're going to ruin your own reputation if you keep being so sweet to me."