Tainted Love

[Erin Hackett]

Erin did not like to admit that she was sensitive, but she was. There were things that made her cry and there were a lot of things that trigger a panic attack. During thunder storms she literally became paralyzed with fear, cried, and called out for her father to save her. Of course she would never admit any of this out loud and every time anyone would bring up her crying; Quinn specifically, she would point out that she had something in her eye or that she had not cried that much. She already knew that she was a wreck when it came to interacting with people but she at least tried her best to play it off like she was doing fine. How else was she to make friends?

Alex spoke of how if someone didn't want Erin around, it was because they were not worth it. It was good to her but it still didn't get rid of Erin's fear. The fear that one day she would lose control over her power and just vanish forever. She was told something like it was possible and perhaps that was why she wanted to work so hard to make friend. So people knew she existed, that even if she vanished at least someone would remember that she was real. The question had Erin letting out something like a weak chuckle as she kept rubbing at her eyes to get rid of any tears that had slipped out. "I don't really have...examples to go off of." Erin responded.

It was true. He dad was not really a ball of emotions and it had only really ever been her and her dad so she just didn't really know things and just came up with her own assumptions. "Why...can you then um...maybe try to see how amazing you are?" Erin asked, wanting to return Alex's comment on her but struggled a little. Still, she felt like Alex needed to take those words to heart, because the other girl was amazing. Erin felt like Alex was talking nonsense with this talking about how she could not give Erin what she wanted and how she would hurt her; she didn't believe any of it. Then there was the hug, which had Erin's body remembering what it was like to be close to Alex's but she held her focus.

Alex would always love her...but what kind of love was it? Not the kind that came along with those wonderful kisses she bet, no one could love her like that. AT least Alex said she would always be her friend, that had to be good enough. Right? Alex was asking the same question. "...yes, I mean like...I don't really have a choice. I can't...I can't force you to feel a certain way about me so as long as I have you in my life...yeah." Erin responded as she started to play with the bedsheet with a free hand. She did want to kiss Alex again, but a good friend did not try and make a friend do that.

If Alex just wanted to be friend, she would accept it, and it was not like she thought Alex would ever want to be more then friends. She was fine so long as Alex remained in her life...and as long as she did not see Alex kissing someone else.

[Alexandra Lawson]

This was a first for Alex and the distress that crept into her eyes was a visible sign of how ill-prepared she was to handle the situation. She couldn't even remember the last time (if ever) someone had confessed to liking her in this way. She wasn't special, she was no one's first pick. She was Alex, the goofy little girl. The quirky sidekick. Alex was never the lead in anyone's romantic story. She was the comic relief, at best. To have someone in front of her she could find herself getting very close to if circumstances were different was enough to make Alex want to run away or hide under her bed.

"Erin, I-" Alex started but found herself cut off as words failed her. She didn't even know what she wanted to say or was even trying to. She was simply talking at this point because the awkward silence was too much to handle. "You're my friend." Which sounded so horrible in context. "I don't want to hurt your feelings." Although Alex figured it was already far too late for that. "You mean a lot to me, you're one of my favorite people in the world..." She trailed off knowing a 'but' was on the way. There was always a 'but' in times like these and she hated being the one saying it. "But that's as far as it can go."

[Erin Hackett]

This was a first time for Erin, among a whole list of other first things that she had done with someone. That someone just ended up being Alex and it was causing a lot of confusion within Erin that she didn't fully understand. Alex had assured her that she had not done anything wrong, but she still felt like she did. She took advantage of her friend back in Japan and didn't even regret it in the slightest. Especially because Alex returned the kiss and even pulled her back for more, so that had to mean something. Right?

That was why she was confused by all of this, not really sure what Alex was trying to get at or tell her. Erin didn't know what was going on in Alex's mind and if she did she would have pointed out how Alex never was just some minor character in her life. The other girl; Alex, was very important and had helped Erin at least improve a little in terms of her interactions with others. Alex was going to say something, but stopped. It just made Erin wonder even more and feel confused about it all. She still wanted to run, but Alex said she needed her and only a bad friend would run away when they were needed.

Words repeated about them being friends, making Erin think that she was catching on to what Alex was saying. She didn't say anything, just remained silent as Alex kept talking. The other girl didn’t want to hurt her feelings, that she meant a lot to her, one of her favorite people in the world. But not the favorite one... Erin thought as it was starting to click a little bit but she was still not too sure. The last bit almost made it clear, but Erin was still not really sure if it was because Alex was worried about hurting her or because she really didn't feel that way about her.

"...okay." Erin said, not really knowing what else to say. What could she say? What could she ask? There was a lot going through her mind and she did still not fully understand it but the main problem was that she was not certain what a good friend would do at this point. All she knew was that she still wanted to leave.

[Alexandra Lawson]

Alex could feel the awkward tension now settling over the two friends. Part of her wished so much that she could give Erin what she wanted. Erin was so deserving of someone to feel the same way about her as she, apparently, did Alex. As she watched her friend, Alex's heart sank with every passing second. She was quickly coming to the conclusion there was nothing she'd be able to say to make everything okay. Nothing she could say that could take away the look she saw in Erin's eyes.

"Erin, I'm sorry." She said with a visible wince. Alex never liked hurting anyway, let alone someone she cared so deeply about and thought so highly of. She sat up a bit and went to scoot away from Erin. She didn't want to, but she also wouldn't be able to live with herself if she led Erin on or gave her false signals. "I get it if you, you know, don't want to hang out anymore." Alex's voice had lowered and she had to look away. She couldn't bear to think she was breaking one of her best friend's heart.

[Erin Hackett]

This was certainly a strange feeling, one that Erin was not to sure if she liked but she still did not fully understand. Did that mean everything else had been a lie? Had she been wrong in thinking that maybe Alex might have wanted more by her words and actions? Hell, she thought she would be able to understand girls a bit more because she was one of them but that was clearly not the case. She really didn't get any of this or what she was supposed to say or do in order to better understand and still be a good friend. Alex apparently wanted her to still be her friend...so was that it? Erin's mouth opened to say something, but then Alex was apologizing and moving away.

Without her 'tether' there, Erin could not help but to move away a little as well and tried to not make it too obvious. "I-it's okay...it's my fault...not yours." Erin responded as she started to play with her zipper on her jacket again as her eyes remained looking down towards the floor. Alex next words then just added to Erin's confusion, wondering if that meant that it was what Alex actually wanted her to do or just more words for the sake of 'not hurting' Erin. It felt like the opposite from what Alex was trying to avoid. Saying all of this...it felt like Alex was trying to hurt her. Ugh, I don't understand. Erin thought to herself as frustrated tears started to build up in her eyes.

"Is...is that what you want? Do you not want me around anymore? Is...is this because of this kissing?" Erin asked as the tears already started to slip out of her eyes once more. Thank the powers that be for her eye liner and eye shadow being water proof so she didn't have to worry about anything leaking. "D-did the k-kiss mean nothing? Just...like a drunken thing? I don't....I don't understand." Erin said as she moved further off the bed until she reached the edge and ended up just standing up and slowly backing away.

"You say one thing...but then do or say another so I...I don't know...I don't understand..." Erin said as she would keep back up in the direction or the door as she rubbed at her eyes to keep the tears from overrunning her face.

[Alexandra Lawson]

Alex's eyes widened and snapped over to Erin as the girl spoke. Her head shook rapidly. "No!" She blurted out hurriedly. Everything had fallen apart so quickly. She knew she'd messed up, knew she shouldn't have done some of the things she did. This entire debacle was her fault and here Erin was placing the blame squarely on her own shoulders.

"No." Alex repeated as she rolled off the bed and got to her feet. She rounded the bed to give chase, in a way as Erin began to back away toward the door. "I know and I'm sorry. I kissed you because I wanted to." She admitted, though that didn't tell the whole story. If only life was as cut and dried as that. "It's not your fault, none of this is your fault. I messed up. I..." She caught sight of the errant tears that were now falling down Erin's cheeks and it was utterly crushing. "I'm so sorry, Erin." She said, her head shaking slowly. "I still want to do all the things we did before." The movie nights, the long hours playing games online together, just simply hanging out for a while. All of which were memories she didn't want to let go of. Alex's head bowed as she stopped pushing forward toward Erin. Her hands dropped to her side. "I just want things to stay how they were before I messed it all up."

[Erin Hackett]

Erin could not help but to jump a little as Alex blurted out that word. The word that she had been saying and repeating a lot since things had turned this way. Erin didn't get why Alex was saying no, when it was Erin's fault. She was the one who kissed the girl, who had a super crush on her, and was the one who tried to confess her feelings in a way. The latter she supposed could be sort of Alex's fault since she thought that was what the other girl had wanted. For her to not just hide outside that 'door' and to just admit it. Damn, this was so confusing and it just made the panic attack worse as she could feel her chest tightening and making it that much harder to breathe.

Dad...what do I do? Erin could not help but to think of her farther, because he was the one who had been there for her. Helped save her from the earthquake, the one who told her to try and make friends, to invite Alex out with them. Sure part of it all was Erin's idea in some aspects, but her dad was the main reason she did a lot of things. Alex was then moving after her, which didn't help with the whole freaking out thing as Erin's breathing started to become a bit more panicked. Should she run? Stay there? Her body was not allowing her to move and already she felt like curling up until the panic attack would go away. Alex apologized, saying she kissed her because she wanted to. Erin wanted to, so what was the problem?

"B-but...I kissed you. I did it first. I really, really wanted to kiss you. How...how is it messing up if we both wanted it? I don't...I don't get it." Erin spoke up. That just didn’t make any sense to her. If they both wanted to kiss one another, how had there been a mistake been made. Erin had been blaming herself because she felt like she had been taking advantage of a drunken Alex who deep down would not have wanted to kiss her, but Alex just basically said that was false by her confession to wanting to kiss her. She still wanted to do all of those things they did before, for things to stay how they were before. "S-so...you don't love me...but you do. You want to kiss me...but don't. You want us to remain friends and still do what we did before but..." Erin said, trying to understand.

Her head hurt, her breathing was ragged, and now she just feel to her knees, hunching over and curling up in a way as she tried to get her breathing under control and for her body to stop shaking for at least a little bit. "I-I'm sorry...so so...sorry." Erin apologized, repeating the apology over and over as she worked on calming down.

[Alexandra Lawson]

Alex continued to sink further and further into heartbreak. Her own confusion had caused her to hurt one of her best friends. Everything Erin had said was actually true. Alex did love Erin, just not in the way the other girl wanted. Alex did want to kiss Erin and while it hadn't been merely an alcohol fueled action, it was probably a mistake to do so. And Alex certainly didn't want Erin to walk away from their friendship. She had no words to describe the conflicting emotions, her mouth worked in hopes of finding them, though she could only remain silent.

Once Erin had fallen to the floor, Alex rushed to her side. Once hand came to rest upon her shoulder while the other began to rub her back lightly. "No, Erin." Alex said softly. "Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong, I swear. This is all just..." Alex's head shook faintly. She had no clue what she was doing or how to make it all better. She just couldn't help shake the feeling she'd messed up big time and only hoped she hadn't ruined her friendship. "Tell me what to say." She pleaded now. "Tell me how I can make this right."

[Erin Hackett]

Erin honestly hated to think about what she was currently doing to the other girl, after all Alex had been crying, had pulled away, and clearly was torn up about this. That was why Erin was mostly apologizing, because she was hurting the other girl when she didn't want to. She still felt like all of this was her fault. She should have never taken advantage of her with that kiss, should have just stay silent about trying to tell Alex how she felt, and should have just left with her confusion. It was because she had stayed to try and figure things out that she was probably hurting Alex even more and she hated herself for it.

It was better to not have friends, to keep this sort of thing over the internet where you could at least get away from it by simply getting off the computer. Erin flinched when Alex came over to her side and touched her. Part of her didn't want to be touched because it just made those thoughts...those desires return to her. Yet...it was still comforting and remainders her of how her dad would try to help her come out of her panic attacks. Alex was saying that she didn't do anything wrong, more words that Erin only half heard as her mind was mostly consumed by her own thoughts.

What to say? How to make things right? Those words reached Erin and she quickly felt selfish for what came to her mind. "Kiss...I want...to kiss you. One more...time. Then I'll leave...I'll stop messing things up for us. I'll give you space. Just another kiss." Erin said before shaking her head no as she moved to try and pull away from Alex. "No! No! Don't do that, that's is s-selfish, not a g-good f-friend. I'll just go. Time. Space." Erin responded as she would go to try and stand up and try and head out the door. You suck, Erin. You are the worst. This is all your fault.

[Alexandra Lawson]

"You don't have to go." But Alex understood why Erin needed to. The girl's words too hold of Alex's heart and squeezed. Erin was such a kind and giving person it tore Alex apart to know she couldn't return that affection in the way Erin wanted. She found a strange allure in the prospect of kissing Erin again. She hadn't kissing her in Japan but knew she would here. Though she entertained the idea if only for the way Erin had asked.

"I..." Alex's head shook, confused and scared about hurting Erin even more. She got to her feet alongside Erin and watched her with a pained expression. She wouldn't stop Erin from moving or attempt to dissuade her from escaping. Maybe some time was needed, though Alex didn't know what that would bring in the end. "Erin." She said suddenly just as Erin was attempting to get away. She couldn't let it end like this. "You didn't hurt me. I promise. I was confused and I should have told you I knew how you felt before." The words started tumbling out one after another as Alex confessed. "I don't like you in that way and I'm sorry for that." She winced at the admission. "But I liked how it felt knowing someone felt that way about me. I liked the way you looked at me and the way you acted around me. I was the one who did this. I was so scared of losing that and feeling alone again that I let myself hurt you. I want to be your friend, I want you to still be in my life and be here." She gave a shrug of her shoulders and exhaled sharply. "But I understand if you don't."

[Erin Hackett]

Alex said that she didn't have to go, but what would be the point of staying. It didn't seem like she was going to be getting that kiss that she still wanted deep down. It didn't feel good to remain in here all confused and just feeling worse that she had done this to Alex. Where was that guide book when she needed it? Not that she would be able to flip through the pages, read, and find what she was looking for with how she felt now. It took everything she had to keep herself from passing out or throwing up because of the panic attack that she was going through. Alex was going to say something, but stopped which didn't really help Erin feel any better.

What did Alex want to say? What did she want Erin to do? Erin managed to reach the door then, only stopping from going through it when Alex called her name out. It was just so hard to just walk away whenever Alex would be holding onto her or calling out to her. Alex assured her that she didn't hurt her, that she was just confused, and should have admitted to already knowing how Erin felt about her. So...did that mean? For a moment Erin could not help but to feel a small amount of hope mixed in with her confusion. Only for it to go away at Alex's next words.

Erin could not describe the feeling that hit her at hearing that and at the same time she just should have known better then to hope. Hope was foolish when it came to 'getting the girl', the guy got the girl at the end of a story, not another girl. Alex confessed, getting out all of it, and why things had gone the way they did. So...so that meant. Now new tears were falling out of Erin's eyes, ones that she didn't even realize why they were falling in the first place as she let out a laugh. It was a pained laugh, mixed in with a bit of nerves as she resumed backing out of the door that she had opened.

"I get it...so I was just being used. You liked having someone care about you because your boyfriend was slacking off...but it didn't really mean anything to you. Right, that makes sense. I was so stupid to think that you would have actually wanted me. I mean like...me." Erin said, still laughing a little as she shook her head and rubbed at her eyes. "I think I get it now...yeah. I'm so zeta slow for not catching on sooner. I'll go now. G-give you some space...then we can game later. Yeah..." Erin said as she left Alex's room, closing the girl's door behind her and turned to head for the main door to leave. She felt so stupid, a little confused, but her dad would say at least learned something from it.

[Alexandra Lawson]

Alex winced at Erin's reply. The words hurt and while she could protest the intent behind her actions weren't as cold blooded as Erin made them out to be, it wouldn't help and Erin wasn't completely wrong. She had used her friend. Alex may not have done it on purpose or even really known what she was doing until it was too late but the fact remained her actions were unforgivable. She had placed herself firmly into the category of the selfish girl who played with other people's emotions to placate her own insecurities.

She spoke Erin's name once more as the girl rushed out, but Alex didn't give chase. Her shoulders slumped and she let out a heavy sigh. She could only hope that somewhere along the lines Erin could forgive her, though she doubted it. Erin didn't deserve any of this any more than Alex deserved the girl's friendship.

Alex flopped down onto her bed and stared up at the ceiling. She felt like an awful human being. Like the worst type of person on the Earth. She was supposed to be better than this, nicer than this. Supposed to put other people's feelings before her own. She wasn't supposed to fall into this web of deceit. Her eyes closed as the tears began to fall freely now. She sighed again and spoke to nothing and no one in particular. "Way to go Alex." She said. "You're officially an awful person."