In The Disorder

[Samantha Vaccari]

For someone who lived in the same dormitory as her, Ellis sure knew how to skillfully make it appear as if she had disappeared off the face of the planet.

...And Sam didn't like that.

Three days. It had been three days since she last saw the blonde, which also happened to also be the same day she kissed her. Within the first few hours, Sam hadn't thought much of her disappearance, because it was Ellis. Ellis liked her alone time. But by the next day, Sam was starting to wonder where the hell she was.

Mostly because she wanted to see her, and Ellis was making it increasingly hard to see her.

At one point, Sam tried her door. Locked. Of course it was locked. She always locked her door. Sam knew this, she knew it by the way peculiar way Ellis was with her keys. Still, it hadn't stopped the Boston girl from trying.

So now there she was now, camping out in the common room. This was ridiculous, and Sam was now determined to confront Ellis about her avoidance. The brunette stretched out on the couch, curled up in a blanket with a comic book in hand. Wonder Woman 2, volume 3.

Fortunately for Sam, she hadn't even gotten half way through the well loved comic before she heard her roommate's door open. Sitting up, Sam peered up over the couch. “Oi! You!”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis had spent a majority of the last three days alone – more so than usual. It was no secret that the blonde preferred the solitude of her own room at the best of times, but this was different. It was elevated. She only left when she had to, and by day three she could easily say her tactic was working. She hadn’t seen Sam. At all. In any capacity. And this – to her – was definitely a good thing.

Not only had she kissed her once, but she’d done it twice; the second time, she’d opted to surprise the blonde in front of their newly acquired roommates. And given the fact that Sam never seemed to think anything through, or do anything with real intention, Ellis had to correctly assume that she didn’t mean it.

Of course she didn’t mean it. That wasn’t even a question. It wasn’t something that needed great thought, or to be directly considered.

Nevertheless, Ellis had to leave. She fiddled with her keys idly as she stood on her side of the door, ensuring she had the correct one in her hand before she opened it. She didn’t even bother to glance out, but she likely should have.

Because as soon as the door opened, she was practically being shouted at. Ellis contemplated just shutting the door again. Her hand wavered, drawing the door closed in front of herself. Pressing her forehead to the door, she instantly regretted her decision. Now it was obvious that she’d been there, and that she was there. Ellis started to run the concept through her head, pausing a second to ensure the door was locked from the inside.

[Samantha Vaccari]

Setting her comic down, Sam sat up properly on the couch. Instantly, she caught her roommate's reaction. The slight widening of her eyes. How she resisted the urge to drop her jaw. “Where have-- Hey! Wait!” The door started to close, and Sam pushed herself up off the couch, hopping over the back of it and running to the door.

Once she reached it, the Boston girl started to knock on it. “Oi, Ellis!” she groaned, “Oh, come on.” She paused in her knocking, instead taking hold of the handle, aggressively pulling at it. Locked. Again.

The Boston girl let out a frustrated sigh, putting her forehead to the door. She stayed there a moment, closing her eyes as she again tried the handle. Nothing. Her hand dropped to her side, lips pursing into a hard line out of frustration.

Another few moments of silence passed before Sam opened her eyes again, a grin pulling at her lips. Tilting her head, she pressed her cheek to the door. “Ellis,” she whispered, “Can you hear me?"

[Ellis Vaccari]

Of course, Ellis knew Sam wasn’t going to give up just because she’d closed the door. She was already contemplating what her previous move should have been. She could have made a decent break for the common room door – just kept walking, no looking back – but she knew she would have had to factor in the time it took to turn around and lock her own door. She could have the utmost precision with her keys, but given the current elevated rate of which her heart was beating, she likely would have failed.

Sam would have pressed her back against the door, and she would have had no choice but to face her or retreat. So really, she felt a little more at peace knowing she’d skipped the unnecessary attempt and gone straight for a tactical retreat.

She didn’t answer when the Boston girl called out to her. Or when she tried the handle. Though, the blonde was relatively grateful she’d taken the extra second to lock the door. She nearly hadn’t, and things would have likely been catastrophic if that were so.

But when this girl dropped her voice to a whisper, Ellis felt herself tense up naturally. Her jaw locked, as she resisted the urge to answer. She knew what she was doing. At least, she was sure she did. She knew what she was looking for, but at this point, the recent memory of those words in that hushed tone were poisoned by the belief – the factual assumption – that she hadn’t meant any of it.

“Yes.” Ellis replied, but that was all she was willing to give. After all, it was a simple answer to a simple question.

[Samantha Vaccari]

Well, the fact that Ellis replied was a form of progress of some sorts. The brunette turned, sliding down as she sat against the door. “Can I come in?” she knew the answer before her question left her lips, and Sam tilted her head back, resting it against the hard surface. “Or can you come out?”

She closed her eyes, letting out something of a light laugh. “You know, you can't stay in there forever.” Sam sighed, running a hand through her hair. This wasn't fair. She wasn't being fair. Even if the Boston girl hadn't been stressing over what had happened between the two, Sam was well aware that she didn't like the blonde avoiding her. Especially when it was so blatantly obvious.

“What's wrong?” In a sense, the brunette was oblivious that her roommate was caught up in what had happened. It wasn't as if Sam hadn't been thinking of it, but again, the brunette barely caught up in such things.

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis immediately dropped her jaw, intent on answering the first question she offered with a concise no. But the question was subsequently brushed off in favour of another. With her forehead against the door, she shook her head slowly. But she didn’t verbally answer. She really could have gone out of her room – it wasn’t as if she couldn’t.

“I know.” Ellis replied, quietly. She knew she couldn’t stay forever. That didn’t make any real sense. As much as Ellis didn’t want to acknowledge the statement, she felt she had to.

At the final question, Ellis took the moment to breathe an all-important sigh. She felt a strong sense of pressure on her shoulders, though she took extra time to remind herself that that wasn’t physically possible. She took another breath, closing her eyes and resting a hand against the door; “You.”

[Samantha Vaccari]

“Are you sure? 'Cause it looks like you're not very keen on leaving.” Sam replied lightly, raising her eyebrows as she stared out at the common room. She placed her palms to the floor, adjusting herself against the door as she leaned back. She was likely going to be there for a while, and Sam had every intention on staying there. As long as she had to.

She should have seen the answer coming. In fact, Sam knew the answer was coming. The blonde was specifically avoiding her, so it made sense for Sam to be part of the problem. Still, hearing the single word forced the brunette to tense.

Tilting her head, she glanced up at the handle as she side of her face pressed to the door again. Her mind immediately went to the kiss – or really, kisses – that they had shared. Was it really bad enough where the blonde felt the need to shun Sam all together? "Hiding behind a door ain't gonna fix that, love."

[Ellis Vaccari]

“I know that, too.” Ellis replied instantly. She was aware how this behaviour was bound to come across – such a thing was a concept she’d already figured out. But if nothing else, Sam seemed to be appealing to her sense of logic. And that was mildly irritating.

When silence fell after the singular word had been expressed, Ellis waited. She waited for some sign of life, though she knew that really, she should have been grateful for the fact that she heard nothing. She should have been glad Sam might have disappeared – left her as she seemed to want to be left. So why didn’t it feel gratifying? The answer was obvious. And it was as daunting as her last Sam-related realisation.

“Don’t call me that.” Ellis interjected, a little more sharply than she really should have. But the word – the nickname – felt far too jarring from her mouth.

She sighed again. It wasn’t the correct response. It wasn’t the logical answer.

“Are you against the door?” She asked, lightly. Given the subtle sounds she’d just heard, she had to assume as much. But she also had to stop assuming. “I can’t open it if you are.”

[Samantha Vaccari]

Sam wasn't one to hesitate. It bothered her that she did, that this girl made her slow down in her normally fast paced life. The brunette took in a long breath. It would have been easy to just walk away. Let her roommate be angry and get over it. Still, she remained seated.

The sharp response threw Sam off guard, and the Boston girl couldn't help but to question her counterpart. “Why not?” she asked, “It suits you. I like it.” Sam wasn't one to give the nickname to just anyone, but it seemed to naturally come out around the blonde. Still, the harshness of her tone wasn't lost on Sam. She clearly didn't like it.

“Yeahhh...” Sam's eyebrows knitted together, why did it matter if she was against the door or not? But as Ellis continued, a hint of a smile pulled at her lips. Again, she pressed her palms to the floor, pushing herself out of the way of the door's path. Still, she remained seated, her back against the wall instead. “There. I moved.” She looked up at the door from her new found home on the floor. “You coming out?”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis actively chose not to answer when she spoke about the choice in nickname. It wasn’t a question she was comfortable answering. Not for her. Not now. And especially in this situation. It was a word reserved for those who deserved it – and she wasted its meaning by throwing it at the blonde so flippantly.

For a moment more, Ellis considered just staying put. But the few things Sam had said were right; there was no point in hiding. She couldn’t stay behind the door forever. Eventually, this was something that needed to be sorted.

“Yes.” She breathed, and after a second of hesitation, she started to fiddle with her keys. Finding the correct one. Once secured, she opened the door, refusing to look at her roommate as she turned to lock the door behind her. Once done, she pressed her back against it, finally offering the Boston girl eye contact. “What now?”

[Samantha Vaccari]

She watched the door open, trying to suppress the smile that tugged at her lips in the way Ellis held her keys. How she locked her door before acknowledging anything else. She did this every time, Sam had noticed, but still it intrigued the Boston girl.

When Ellis finally did look at Sam, the brunette raised her eyebrows at her. “I dunno.” she started slowly, shrugging against the wall. Briefly, she considered sitting up, but instead chose to stay in place, looking up at Ellis. “Why don't you tell me?”

She remained fixed on Ellis's expression for a few moments before looking back out at the common room. “You're the one that has a problem with me.” Her jaw tensed slightly, “Not the other way around.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis knew the question would likely be turned around and thrown back at her. It was one of the reasons she asked it – she wanted her to articulate why she assumed the blonde might be upset with her. It offered a clearly defined path as to how her mind worked; how she might be processing the situation they had. Or didn’t have.

Still, she caught her eyes, though she struggled to maintain it. Ellis rarely shied away from eye contact given its importance, but something about her roommate’s eyes suddenly seemed daunting. Weighted.

She – again – reminded herself that that wasn’t physically possible.

“I know you don’t have a problem with me.” Ellis started, bringing her hands together. She glanced down at her keys, running her thumb over the all-important dorm room key she’d just used. The pull in focus was most welcome; “You’d have to be considering someone to even begin to have a problem with them. But you don’t. And you didn’t when you-” Pausing, she took a breath. Slow and precise. “When you kissed me the first time, you weren’t thinking. And when you did it the second time, you… What? Felt the need to adhere to the moment where you said you wanted to?”

She rolled her shoulders, shifting the keys between her hands as she chose another one to study. To scrutinise. “Why bother.” Ellis stated with something of a defeated tone. She glanced back up at her briefly before looking back down again.

[Samantha Vaccari]

Sam was rarely patient. Still, as Ellis spoke, she tried her best to remain quiet. To stop herself from interrupting. It had grown increasingly difficult as the blonde continued. The Boston girl couldn’t help but to tear her gaze from the common room to her counterpart, eyebrows furrowing together in a mixture of confusion and a growing anger.

After moments of silence, Sam pushed herself off the floor, taking the few steps needed to put herself in front of Ellis. She stared at her blonde counterpart, remaining quiet and studying her expression. The twitch of her lips. How her dark eyes focused on the keys in her hand.

“Are you shitting me?” She finally blurted out, running a hand through her hair. “You think I’m not considering you?” Sam paused, taking in a deep breath. “Why do you think I run to catch up with you in the hall? Or grab your hand?” The Boston girl let out something of a light, irritated laugh. “Why do you think I’m here talking to you right now?”

Gritting her teeth, Sam shook her head in frustration. “I bother because I want to. Why don’t you get that?” She reached forward, pressing her hand to the door as she tried to catch Ellis’s gaze. “I kissed you because I wanted to.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Given the fact that she wasn't looking, Ellis hadn't caught on to Sam's movement. Not until she looked up, and her roommate was right in front of her.

Everything she said washed over the blonde - words. She sensed conviction, but she wished she hadn't. She wished it would be as easy as not being considered. As simple as that. Things would be closed and Ellis could move on and away from the thoughts that seemed to drive her conscious state.

It was her turn to laugh - somewhere between disbelief and nervousness - when Sam continued. She chose not to acknowledge the fact that she was leaning in, but she did look over to catch her eyes.

"It's what you want, when you want. In a time where you physically couldn't think clearly." Ellis denoted. Why else choose the second moment the way she had? Still, she looked at her with a mix of concern and confusion; "What if I didn't want it?"

[Samantha Vaccari]

Sam raised her eyebrows at the blonde, glancing down to see the way her lip twitched before looking up and catching the involuntary movement of Ellis’s eyes. Then there was the slight crease in her forehead; barely noticeable, but enough for the Boston girl to pick up on.

“You—“ wanted it. Sam knew her roommate had wanted it; she had felt it in the way Ellis had reciprocated the kiss; in the way her hands had pushed Sam’s hair back.

“I’m thinking clearly now.” The brunette denoted, focusing on Ellis’s eyes for a few moments, trying to show the conviction she felt in her own expression before leaning in and kissing Ellis.