Letters from Lottie

[Will Spencer]

To: William James Spencer
      Bellefonte Academy
      Kalispell, Montana
      January 25, 2012





Lam-Lam,

That's what I called you isn't it? Because I couldn't say William? I remember that. That and you singing Angel of Music to me when I had nightmares because of the Little Lotte part in it. You weren't very good at singing, but every time I asked, you would be there. You tucked me in every night. You let me sit in your room while you played video games with your mates. I was your favorite, at least from what Ellie and Mum tell me. How do I believe that though? It's been eight years and I don't really know why you haven't even called to ask me how I am, or what's going on in my life, or if Mum and Dad are okay. Do you even care? We're your family.

Do you know what that is William? Family? I can't imagine that you remember what it's like to be loved by so many people. Even if your new family is everything you ever wanted, you don't have Ellie or Lacey. You don't have Mum or Dad. You don't have me. Everyone talks about you as if you've died because it's all memories of when you were young. When you were here. We don't know anything about you except that you're in America and that you have no intentions of coming back. Why'd you even keep your last name? Or your first? You didn't want us, so why'd you keep the name that ties you to us?

I'm angry with you. Furious. But I miss you because you're my family, even if you deny it with every fiber of your being. So I'll leave you with this:


The measure of love is to love without measure.
—attributed to Saint Augustine


Your sister,

Lottie Spencer

Return to:
Charlotte Evangeline Spencer
London, England

[Will Spencer]

To:
Charlotte Evangeline Spencer
London, England
January 29, 2012

Miss Spencer,

You make some wild claims in your letter Miss Spencer. Your maturity is endearing, but your attitude towards me is misplaced. Until you understand the full story behind why I left, you don't know anything about me. You can insult me, call me terrible things, get it off your chest, luv. It will help, but the fact of the matter is, no matter what you say, I'm not coming home. I'm not going back to England, not after I finish school, not when I'm looking for medical schools. Nothing will make me go back there. Not even your guilt trip, though I'm sure it wasn't entirely your idea to write to me because the only people that knew my address were our your parents.

I do remember everything from when I was there. I remember your nickname for me, I remember the songs, your favorite movie, the little terror you were at just two years old. I remember Ellie. Lacey. Mum. Dad. I haven't forgot, no matter how hard I try. I wish to forget the little things about our family that I loved because I remember that I don't have a family. I don't belong with yours. After you were born, I thought perhaps I wasn't the only black sheep, but things happened. They changed. And there's no turning back from that, Lottie.

You're not a part of my world anymore. You never will be. I want you to stop writing me, don't send pictures, stop trying so hard because you'll only be disappointed. If you continue because I know I can't stop you, just know that this will be the only letter you get from me. You can send hundreds. One every day of the year until I die. I won't respond and you won't know who will get them when I'm gone. Let it go, Lottie.

Let me go.

A perfect stranger,

Will Spencer

Return To:

[Will Spencer]

William,

My dear brother, if you think you're getting rid of me that easily, you've clearly forgotten that I'm quite the same as you in the way of being stubborn. In fact, I do believe in those first two years of my life I was taught how to be stubborn by studying you with Ellie. And here I will continue mentioning our family and reciting all of the stories from our childhood that you'll remember. I may not, but I've had them told to me so many times in the past eight years that I know them well enough to know which are your favorites.

Mum told me about the first time I smiled, how it was at you. Do you remember it Will? It was also the first time you heard me laugh. You were holding me in your arms, rambling about silly things in books that didn't make any sense to me because I couldn't even understand what you were saying, but Mum said that I was staring at you with such fascination. That I always hung on every word you ever said. She told me that while you were talking, you made such exaggerated expressions and that you had said something that annoyed you, something about the way some people couldn't appreciate the classics because they were half-wits and you rolled your eyes clear back into your head and I just lost it.

I don't remember your voice, I can't recall the expressions, but I believe it. I believe what I see in the pictures. You're always the one holding me and I'm smiling at you like you created the world. And you smile at me the same way. How do you look at someone like that and then not even give them the time of day? Even when they're reaching out for you because they remember that you meant so much to them. You were my person, Will. Even if it was only in the beginning of my life, I still want to remember. I want to remember what it was like to have someone love me with all they possess. Sure, Mum and Dad and Ellie would protect me, but you...you would have done everything for me. I can see it on your face. I don't believe you when you say you feel nothing anymore.And I won't let you go, I can't. I love you. You're my family still.

Your little sister,

Lottie