While You Were Away

[Layla Harlow]

Dear Isaac,

Three years together, and not even a month apart. I've done this before, dealt with the pain of losing someone who meant so much to me even if it was in such a short amount of time that it happened. The only way I know how to handle so much pain, while still staying as strong as I can for Nicholas, is writing it all down and shutting it away. So here I am, writing down how I feel for you even now that you're apart from me. I've come to the conclusion that I hate this.

I feel like I'm gasping for air again and there's no oxygen to be spared for me. This is the second time I've lost part of my soul and I fear that there isn't much left of me. What if I'm not really a person? I'm just a puzzle made up of pieces from all of the people who touch my life. Without one puzzle piece, the puzzle is not finished. First it was Luca, then my parents...all leading to you. I feel like eventually with so many pieces missing, I'm just going to be tossed aside. Thrown away because who wants a puzzle with so many pieces missing?

I'm scared for Nicholas, Isaac. He's only seven and he's already lost so much. You were so good with him.... I feel like you both were good for each other. You were the kind of figure in his life that taught him things I'd never be able to. And he let you experience things that perhaps you never would have. I guess that's the beauty of what we were, huh? We made each other experience things that otherwise, we may not have. Those three years were filled with more happiness and more love than some people will ever get to know in their lifetime. And I'm thankful for that. But Nicholas won't understand that. All he understands now is that I'm sad all the time and that you're gone.

I don't want to depend on him so much, but I do. He's the only thing keeping me upright. The only thing that's kept me from losing my grip. But he's going to grow up too fast because I can't take care of myself...and I just want to preserve his innocence, just a little longer.

I wish you were here... I wish we could have enjoyed our time together longer. I miss you. Your rare, but encouraging smile, hearing you and Nicholas playing in the living room of our apartment (which I can't bear to sell). Watching us through your eyes and living your memories with you.... How am I going to ever find anyone else that will compare to what we had? I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let go.

I'll try though. For you. I'd do anything for you.

Forever yours,
Layla Grace Monroe Harlow

[Layla Harlow]

Dear Isaac,

Today Nicholas came home with a swollen eye that will surely be black tomorrow and a busted lip. Tell me what age is typical for bullying to even start? I was in high school when I first got bullied! And that was because I was pregnant! Okay, perhaps I bullied people when I was younger because of silly, trivial things that didn't seem to affect anyone seriously, but I never beat the hell out of a seven year old! And where were the teachers at? Sitting with their thumb up there ass? Tell me I have a right to be angry with the school. Tell me I have an even better reason to beat the shit out of the parents of the little fucker that beat my kid!

Isaac, I don't know what to do with this. Nicky won't talk to me about it, he's been in his room since he got home. I think he's embarrassed. Or scared maybe? I just wish I could have been there, I wish I could console him or protect him, but I can't just go to school with him. And would it be the right thing to do to just let him stay home? The teachers called me and told me that the other boy had a stern talking to, but will he be suspended? Do they even suspend seven year olds? This is the last thing I needed to add to my plate. Let alone to my insecurities about being a single parent. I don't want him to be violent, but I don't think he should be allowed to get beaten up without defending himself.

I wish you were here. This is one of those fatherly things that he could really use a male figure for. Granted, we both know you were a bit more on the violent side of things, but maybe both of us could have found a happy medium for him? Or at least you could have come with me when we meet with this stupid kid and his parents, as well as the principal if it continues. You know me and authority aren't the greatest combination. And if that bitch tells me Nicholas egged this little shit on, I'll lose it.

I miss you. So much. I know I have support from Patch, but he has his own thing going on and Nicholas isn't his responsibility. He's mine and I'm starting to crack under the pressure of being a parent. The older he gets, the harder it is. I've never grown up with a boy this age, I was the stand-offish girl that thought boys had cooties for crying out loud. At this point, I'm winging it...

I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I just wish you were here to ease the transitions from toddler to little boy to teenager. But I guess I'll just figure it out on my own. I love you, always.

Forever yours,
Layla Grace Monroe Harlow

[Layla Harlow]

Dear Isaac,

Remember when I told you I didn't have any parents? How I wouldn't even tell you why? Well the truth is, I left them. I left them because they weren't meant for me. They were meant to raise Lucas, the happy, funny little brother that I would have had. Maybe if he hadn't died, they'd have saved room for me too, but without him, I don't mean anything. I left them, thinking that I could be on my own without my parents' support and that everything would be fine. I left them shortly after we met and I haven't spoken to them since you disappeared. They never found out about us, about you.

Meredith, the woman that gave birth to me, Lucas' mom...she called me today. She called me to tell me that she missed my son, my Nicky. But she didn't call to tell me that she missed me, that she hated how things ended with us, or that she loved me. She told me that I couldn't keep him away from them and that it wasn't fair for me to do that to him. But that's exactly why I'm doing it for him. I'm keeping him from the heartbreak that they cause because they don't know how to love anyone because the moment Lucas died, so did they. And I did too, but I found life when I had Nicky. They're just empty.

I told her that I fell in love. That I found you and that I married you without them. I told her that you're gone. And all she did was ask me why I couldn't tell them. She didn't say she was sorry, that she hoped that I was okay without you. She didn't care that you were gone and that I had to live without you, without the only love I've ever known. I couldn't tell her the rest. I couldn't tell her that I'm starving myself again. That Patch has to make sure I'm eating because he's worried Nicholas will find out. If I told her, I don't think she'd have done anything, that she'd have cared. I think that she would have disappointed me just like she always does.

I never told you...I'm sorry that I never told you. I never told anyone...not until Patch. He knows that it started after you left. But it's not your fault, Isaac. It's mine. I don't know how to miss you without hurting. And I'm hurting myself because of it. But I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying so hard for Nicky....for you. It's so hard.

I love you, Nicky misses you.

Forever yours,

Layla Grace Monroe Harlow