You're Still Alive

[Quinn Wiley]

When Quinn took the decision to return to Bellefonte for his college years, he didn't really think about what that would mean. The people he used to be in school with might not be there anymore. And if they were, they all were years ahead of him. It didn't matter that people of all age could go to college, being the oldest one in his class sort of sucked. It was the reason why he was not bonding much with them. Nothing to do with the fact he had never been really social to begin with.

The school was familiar but there was also so many things that were not. The people mainly. So many of those he knew before, without saying they knew him, were not here anymore. They lived in town or moved away. They were living their lives. Some were finishing college. He was starting it. With a bunch of people he barely knew. You’d think it was perfect, that it would allow him a fresh start, away from his reputation of being a creep with a camera. But changes, especially changes he did not choose for himself, were very hard on him. And, again, he felt old and like he didn’t belong. As if the boy didn’t have enough reasons not to feel like he belonged.

Maybe it was just the fact he picked a major that seemed unlike him. Communications. Him! But it seemed like a good idea. That was what he lacked after all. And he was still taking a minor in photography. Now, if only he could make some friends...

He liked to think it was unnecessary but even a loner like himself felt lonely at times and it was not Erin who’d help him feel better. He needed more acquaintances, some he might meet here at school. Some... Wait. Could this be...

Quinn had been thinking all of this while waiting in line for his meal and after paying he of course had to find some spot to sit at and eat said meal. He was trying to find some quiet spot when he recognized a face. At least he was certain he recognized her. Ashley Benson . Of course, she might not recognize him. He never considered himself very memorable. It was worth a try though. He walked towards her, noticing she was rather alone in her corner. But if she was like he remembered her, it made sense. “Ashley?” It was almost a miracle he recalled her name after two years. Or not. Quinn was good at remembering that sort of things. “You’re still at school? College?” Talking was rather weird to him. Standing in front of her with his tray of food too but he dared not sit. That would be awkward if she could not recognize him and he just decided to sit down and eat with her.

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley didn't often spend her lunches on campus these days. Her usual days only had her at the Academy for a couple classes before she was free to head back home to the comfort of the apartment she shared with Ellen. Bellefonte would forever remain a double edged sword in her memory. On one hand the people here had pulled her from the depths of her own madness and propped her up enough for her to get some semblance of a handle on her own life. On the other the Academy still felt suffocating in many ways. Her memories couldn't help but hearken back to the way she was segregated and studied, locked away within a prison without physical bars. She suspected this would be a cross she'd forever bear but, in the end, her life had to continue and, inevitably, that meant returning to campus from time to time.

Deep blue eyes lifted upward at the sound of the name escaping Quinn's lips. The vivid, azure pools focused upon the young man as recognition instantly flashed within them. A smile spread across Ashley's face and she got to her feet. She didn't know why she stood, awkwardly stuck between wanting to give the young man a hug and simply standing, her hands fidgeting together. "Q-Quinn!" She said, stumbling over the single word. "Oh, yeah. I am." She nodded faintly before offering a shrug. "Still here." She looked him over for a moment. He looked a little older but otherwise the same as she remembered. In spite of their dubious previous relationship she found a great deal of comfort in his presence. "How are you?" She asked for lack of anything better to say. The surprise of seeing Quinn again was still lingering and clouding her capacity to think clearly. "Are you just visiting?"

[Quinn Wiley]

Quinn couldn’t totally believe he was back. When he was first brought here, his only wish had been to get away, and it couldn’t be fast enough. He didn’t why he should be staying here when he wanted to become a photographer. The best school for that was taking photographs, constantly, and it was something he could do without being locked within these walls. Yet, here he was.

Ashley was not necessarily someone he expected to see. In all honesty, he just figured that everyone he knew, and there weren’t that many, would all have graduated by now. It was the feeling he had at least. Most of the people he knew weren’t at Bellefonte anymore. They went on with their lives. It was to be expected. After all, it was precisely what Quinn had done. It only happened that life decided he had to make a quick return here first. Still, being the oldest in his classes really wasn’t great at all.

His hope of being recognized by Ashley was equal with the guess that she would not. That would suck, considering the odd way they met and the fact it had not been that long since he left. What could she have done in about three years that justified her not remembering him? And she remembered him alright. He could tell by the look on her eyes. Still, despite the logic that said he shouldn’t have worried she would not, he felt relieved that he might have left enough of an impression on someone for that someone to recognize him.

He nodded as she said his name. She did not mistake him for someone else. It made sense that she was still in college. He didn’t really see her working here. Of course, now that he came in front of her and questioned her about what she was doing here, she did the same. Visiting? Not really. And how he was kind of was hard to say. “No, I’m... I’ve come back. For college,” he explained. He fell silent after that. He had about as much social skills as she did. Without really asking her, figuring it was alright or just not really thinking about this, he placed his plate in front of her and chose to sit with her. “I’m taking the communications class.” Ironic much?

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley's attention focused exclusively on Quinn as he spoke. She watched him, nearly studying his every feature, hanging on every word. She was intrigued by what had brought him back to Bellefonte and the thought that she may actually have something akin to a 'friend' close at hand that didn't (to her knowledge) have the ulterior motive of learning the true nature of her relationship with a certain blonde haired, bitchy young woman.

A reply to Quinn's answer came a few, awkward moments too late. Ashley had to process the information offered before coming to any conclusions and being able to form the right words. Meeting Quinn and hearing that he wasn't going to be heading off anywhere anytime soon was actually met with a bright eyed smile. "Really?" Ashley asked with a certain shyness creeping into her features. She knew Quinn wasn't the most social person in the world but it looked as though he'd lost at least a little of that edge he'd had before. If, after all this time and the strange circumstances of their initial meeting Quinn still chose to approach her then hopefully he had moved on as she had. "That's great!" She replied with a hasty nod. "Are you still into photography?"

[Quinn Wiley]

It would have been hard indeed for Quinn to know of Ashley’s relationship with Ellen. First, because he had no idea who Ellen was. But the main reason why he wouldn’t ask, even if he ever grew to suspect something, was because he didn’t think it was his business. And Quinn saw no point in finding out details of the girl’s private life. If she wanted to talk about it... he’d find odd he was the one she’d confide in. Otherwise, he wouldn’t ask. Just like he would likely not talk of his private life with her. He was, however, glad to see her. He knew few people and seeing that one of them was still here comforted him. He wouldn’t have to fear about having to make new friends.

He was still surprised to cause such a reaction to anyone. He never would have thought people would be this happy to see him returned. He nodded. “Things... I might need some more studies before I can get where I want to,” he explained. It was too shameful and frustrating to admit it did not work out. Especially since he knew it was not solely because the industry hated him. They didn’t know him because he didn’t know how to sell himself and his talent.

Great was probably not how he would call this but it would be fine. Communications appeared to him the best choice to get what he lacked. He nodded as she asked about photography. “I’m making a minor in that,” he answered. A minor, his family could not object to that. He still made communications his major and they wanted him to study he something that could be useful for a future career. “What about you?” he asked, feeling a little awkward being there, sharing with her. Or maybe just sharing.

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley offered a soft smile. She caught the brief hesitation in Quinn's voice, it was one she'd suffered from many times herself. She didn't know what it was, exactly, that had brought him back to Bellefonte or the specifics in regards to his needing more schooling before he could reach the goals he'd set for himself but she knew a thing or two about failure and the strength it required to continue pushing forward. "You'll get there." She said, her tone quiet despite carrying a certain sense of conviction. "You just have to keep trying."

When the conversation turned to Ashley she issued nothing less than an embarrassed laugh. A shrug soon followed and coupled with an irresistible urge to avert her gaze. She always got nervous when people asked her even the most simple questions. Her life had progressed far beyond the arduous, trying days of years gone by and even now the tension that sprouted up whenever asked about it remained a knee jerk reaction. "I haven't picked a major yet." She admitted. "I have until the end of the semester." She frowned a little. "I still don't have a clue." A faint laugh escaped at the concession. "Most people pick a major based on what they want to do for a living, right?" Ashley reasoned. "I... don't do anything."

[Quinn Wiley]

In a way, Quinn had not been surprised it didn’t work out in New York. He was a pessimist by nature, he expected failure. Still, it was his dream and even a pessimist could feel terribly down when his dreams get crushed. A part of him did believe he should just give up before it ended in even greater disappointments. He should do like his aunt and uncle said, get some boring job that pays the bills and be his miserable self. But photography helped him shake off the depression he very likely would have ended up with otherwise, he didn’t want to just let go.

Ashley was not the first person to say he’d get there but he believed she was the first to say he would if he kept trying. That did sound less like wishful thinking and more like hard work. Hard work was concrete. He had an amused smirk at this. “Oh, for trying, I’m trying.”

Quinn felt like he vented out on her for talking so much. Anyone else would say he barely said anything but this was Quinn. You were lucky if you got more than a few words from him. He never saw the point in talking if it was to say nothing. He was not exactly that curious about what she had been doing. He was, a little, because he knew her and all, but he would not have any problem in not hearing anything of what happened to her in the years he was gone. He arched an eyebrow when she mentioned having no idea what major she’d like to pick despite it being a pressing matter. It was even more puzzling when she mentioned not doing anything. Quinn did have a brief nod of the head when she said people chose a major in what they wanted to do for a living. “You have no idea what you’d like to do? Even if it’s crazy?” The thought then came to his mind that crazy might not be the best choice of words with her. Oh well. She seemed calm enough. Whatever medication she was taking right now definitely worked for her.

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley was, perhaps foolishly, completely convinced Quinn would be able to succeed in whatever endeavor he put his mind to. She may not have been prone to flights of fancy but she did have a strong conviction when it came to the few people she didn't feel immediately cast her aside. It was a pretty lousy basis for directing her attention, to be sure, but she would forever remember the trying time she had put Quinn through the first time they had met. That he'd endured her nearly breaking down in front of him and still saw through the facade of insanity enough to continue talking to her even in a limited fashion spoke volumes about his character.

"Look." Ashley said with a resigned sigh. She lowered her gaze for a moment as she spoke. "I live with... a friend. She works, I don't. I take most of my college classes online so I end up taking care of the apartment while she's gone. It's boring an uneventful to most people, yeah, but to me it's comfortable. It's a routine." She gave a shrug and shook her head. "I like it. It makes me happy. There's no college course for something like that."

[Quinn Wiley]

Whenever he saw Ashley, Quinn always thought about that first time they met. Quinn didn't doubt one second she had some form of mental illness. Maybe it was just panic attacks, maybe it was more, but she needed medication to get through it. He never asked her if she was still on meds. He didn’t see this as his business. He might end up telling her to take some more if she ended p in the same state she did back when they first meet, but that was all he would say on the matter. So long as she was calm, he thought the girl was fine. And there was refreshing about being the ‘sociable’ one in the relationship.

What he told her about the things she may like, others must have told her before. She must have seen a guidance counsellor at least once, to discuss what she wanted to do. Even more if she said she was pushed to take a major at last. She tried to explain to him. The way he saw it, she was happy being a housewife. A lot of feminists might disagree with her choice there but Quinn didn’t really see what was wrong in that. Well, he could see some. He could see this being all of her life and the day she’ll lose it, she’ll lose everything and might just end up killing herself. She better not leave a child alone like this because she could not take it. For the rest however, if she wanted to be a housewife...

“Then maybe you should drop college and start working. If you like taking care of the apartment, maybe you should do that for a living. Clean places. I’m sure lots of people would say this too is boring and uneventful, and probably degrading too, but if you like it, why should you care what they think?” The question was followed with a shrug. He didn't really see what college gave her if she didn’t find anything interesting there. A social circle, perhaps. But he was not seeing her as being very social to begin with.

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley's lips parted and she took in a breath in order to respond but the words caught in her throat before they could escape. Her mouth snapped shut and she slumped back into her seat, brow furrowed in thought. She hadn't given much thought to simply giving up college and focusing on what brought her satisfaction. She adored her 'roommate' and loved the life she had been afforded since moving off campus but there was something in the back of Ashley's mind that refused to let her remain dependent on someone else. She didn't expect things to change between her and Ellen anytime soon but she didn't like the idea of having nothing to fall back on should she be wrong.

Finally, after a long moment of silent deliberation, Ashley's head shook. "No, I can't do that." She said softly, a thing smile touching her features. "My roommate takes care of a lot for us but I don't want to rely on her to get by." She frowned, turning her eyes to Quinn now. "Does that make sense?" She sighed and shook her head. "I wish things were like they were before." She admitted. "Life was easier when there weren't any decisions to be made."

[Quinn Wiley]

Quinn didn’t expect to cause such an inner struggle within Ashley. But Quinn could almost read all of her thoughts on her face as they passed on. He blinked once, looked at her and simply waited for the conclusion for her little inner debate to be voiced out loud. It took some time before she ended up shaking her head. Her answer however only left Quinn blinking once again, waiting for more. She could not do that? Okay. Why? It was what he was waiting for her to tell him without even asking it out loud in the first place.

He frowned at what she told him though. She even asked if that made sense. “Not really,” he admitted. He shoved away her whining over things being easier before. He always seemed better before. Until now becomes then and the current struggles seem like nothing compared to whatever you had to deal now. “You want to stay in college because you get out? Because if it’s a matter of money, you don’t need a college degree to get a job. You just have to go outside and apply everywhere they have a sign saying they are hiring.”

It seemed really simple the way he put it. But he was not really getting what Ashley meant. If she was only a student, wouldn’t her roommate taking care of most of it already? How quitting college be any different? He almost shook his head. He’d never understand women.

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley mulled over Quinn's startlingly simple response. At that moment she became acutely aware of how less complex things sometimes felt when they were voiced and out in the open. In her own head any sort of doubt or worry was compounded by her own insecurities and having spoken them out loud only to have someone all but scoff at the simplicity of potential resolution wasn't something that offended Ashley, rather it made her pause a moment to contemplate it all.

"You're right." She replied with a faint nod. "I'd enrolled in college after graduation because that's what I was always told I was supposed to do, you know?" Ashley simply hadn't given any thought to alternative paths to take through life and the way Quinn outlined it made it feel all the more plausible that a change was not only necessary but far easier than she'd first believed. "I guess I've always been too scared to try and do anything different." She admitted, though she quickly shrugged off the thought. "But that's hardly anyone else's fault or problem." There was a certain sense of clarity that had found its way into her eyes, though.

"Anyway." She said, a smile touching her features as she looked to Quinn before casting a short glance down to the watch on her wrist. A low sigh escaped as she caught the time. "This got a lot more serious than I wanted." She admitted as she gathered up her bag which had been sitting at her feet. "If you have any new pictures you'd like to show I'd love to see them." She pushed away from the table and stood, shrugging the bag over her shoulder. "And thank you." She said soberly. "I think I need a kick in the ass every once in a while or else I, uh..." She brought a finger up and tapped it against her temple. "I tend to get lost in my head."

[Quinn Wiley]

Quinn didn’t necessarily mean to mock her way of thinking here but she really seemed to make a mountain out of a molehill. Now, knowing who she was, he shouldn’t be too surprised of that. Still, Quinn being Quinn, he had to point it out to her that maybe, just maybe, things were a lot simpler. Quinn often did things he didn’t want to, but it was still rather difficult to force him to do them. He was not the kind to make a move if he didn't feel like it. Because of that, he wouldn’t let people just push him around. At the same time though, he knew he was here in college more or less because others decided for him, so he supposed he was not all that different from Ashley. Except he was okay with being here and it was just to help him in the future. She didn't seem to get much out of it.

“Well, I didn't,” Quinn replied. And he had been told the same. “Because I thought I didn’t need it.” Turned out he did, which sort of sucked because that meant everyone else was right and he hated that but at least he was here now. He probably didn't really need college. What he really needed was social skills. But, this way, everyone was sort of happy and happy meant they were not on his case for wasting his life chasing a dream. “It’s your life, what others want shouldn’t matter.” Wow. Since when did he turn into such a mentor? That was odd, even for him. He nodded when she said it was her fault and problem. At least, it was how he saw it. And he agreed to that. Her fault, her problem. Certainly not his.

He barely ate during that time yet realised they’ve been talking for much too long. He’ll have to speed up if he didn’t want to be late for his next class. Apparently, the same could be said of her. He was about to reply about the pictures but fell silent when she thanked him. It was so out of the blue that he couldn’t say anything. “I never thought I was good at kicking asses but you’re welcome,” he answered, his tone perhaps a tad hesitant. This too was weird coming from him but he apparently provided the push she needed. Who would have thought? He lifted his hand to tell her goodbye since it seemed clear she was leaving him. As for himself, he still had his lunch to finish.