Nothing Left to Lose

[Ashley Benson]

In the wake of their strange yet almost therapeutic encounter with a certain violinist, Ashley had continued following Ellen Banks around.  There was a drastic difference in this, though, as Ashley hadn't been a passive lurker.  Ashley had been trying in vain to get Ellen to stop long enough to talk to but it seemed the blonde was going to have nothing of it.  She'd been buzzing around the dorm, both her room and the common area, cleaning and organizing whatever she could get her hands on.  All the while, every time Ashley opened her mouth to speak Ellen would quickly and curtly shut her down.

Ashley let out a sigh of growing frustration as she watched Ellen move passed.  The blonde had already scrubbed her bathroom to the point where it shined like an over zealous ad for cleaning products and was setting about pulling the blankets and sheets off her bed to make it.  Again.  "E-Ellen please-"  Was all Ashley could get out before being interrupted again.  She seemed to shrink into herself at the stern reply and instinctively took a few steps back, away.  Her bright blue eyes, shining with a new found light saw the faint traces of hurt creeping into them.  She was almost glad Ellen couldn't see.  "We need to talk."  She forced the words out rapidly and weakly before pulling back even further.

[Ellen Banks]

If she ever saw that Jackie girl again. Ellen would personally make her life a living hell..

No she had no idea what happened in that room with that violin playing girl, obviously she was more powerful then Ellen gave her credit for and therefore had deeper influence on her then she thought.

Lullaby her ass....

Ellen was quick to write off what happened between Ash and Ellen as a result of her music, nothing more and do the thing she was better at then anyone else. Pushing down any feelings she might have been struggling with

but the problem was Ash wasn't willing to...

Ellen had hoped by now she would get the message; Ellen didn't want to talk how many times would Ellen have to shush her before she got that message

"No we don't" Ellen said sharply not even looking in Ash's direction as she changed the sheets "But I need to clean and you're in my way so if you don't mind..."

[Ashley Benson]

Yet again Ellen dismissed Ashley's meek assertions that the two of them had much to discuss. The feelings that had been drawn out and brought to the forefront of Ashley's mind hadn't been new, nor did they come as a surprise. The quirky violinist hadn't created anything that wasn't already there, she merely cleared out the debris surrounding it and allowed it to shine brighter. While the white noise was beginning to seep back through the cracks in Ashley's mind, the subtle warmth that seemed to flush Ashley's during the softer looks Ellen gave her was something the blue eyed girl couldn't ignore. If only she could get Ellen to stop for five seconds.

Ashley tried feebly to get Ellen's attention only to find herself shot down with another dismissive retort. She took a deep breath, the frustration and desperation growing by the second. "Fine." The word escaped Ashley's lips with a sense of urgency and force. She didn't yell but the weight behind it could be felt. "You may not have anything to say but I do." Ashley's voice rose now as a new found determination steeled her words. Her eyes flared as she continued. "You can walk around and ignore what happened last night but I can't." She moved forward and ripped the bed sheets from Ellen's hands and tossed them aside. "God damn it, Ellen, for once in your life can you stop trying to run away from everything and just sit down and listen?" She snapped, pointing to the bed, all but ordering Ellen to comply.

[Ellen Banks]

Ellen herself had taken some time herself to fully recover from the effect of her "Lullaby" or whatever it is that she did to her, those mental images...those feelings...that song. Ellen needed a long long time to fully comprehend what had happened to him, that night she didn't sleep at all her thoughts full with ideas that she could never fully comprehend. In fact, there was a large part that HATED Jackie for what she did.

They say that hell was seeing the life you could have had and after her lullaby she fully understood that, she was given a brief taste of everything she ever wanted. Everything she had craved. Everything that she had cried over...and it broke Ellen's heart to know that that was the closest she would ever get to that life, that lullaby was a dream, and all dreamed had to fade away to make way for reality and reality was cold and hard for Ellen. It was cruel for Jackie to torment Ellen of flashes of a life she could never hope to get for herself and Ellen despised Jackie for showing it to her...

Ellen was as stubborn as anything so she could play that game for a long time until Ash was willing to drop the subject, she blocked out the rest of her words which Ellen was quite good at, but that all changed when Ash screamed in her face and grabbed the blanket. Ellen was too surprised more then anything else to actually do something.

...She had never seen Ash like this....and it was concerning....

Maybe out of surprise mostly did she actually do what Ash wanted and sat down on the bed and waited for Ash to say what she wanted to say...

[Ashley Benson]

The emotions had swelled up so quickly it was a wonder tears hadn't started singing Ashley's eyes. Something inside knew Ellen would comply, or, at the least, hoped she would. If Ellen had shrugged her off again Ashley didn't know what she would have done. She took a moment to compose herself with a few long, slow breaths. Her had averted her gaze for a second, still unable to be fully rid of the meek uncertainty that had come to define her.

"You can't keep doing this to me." She started, her voice considerably softer. Ashley wasn't demanding now. She was pleading. Her eyes, bright and seeing clearly for the first time in years because of the sleep she'd been blessed with the night before finally turned and focused upon Ellen. "I care about you Ellen." Which didn't tell the entire truth but Ashley couldn't go that far just yet. "I don't like being around you because you tolerate me. I like being around you because of... you. This... back and forth I can't take it." Ashley's head shook faintly though he gaze never wavered. "If you had any idea what it felt like when you look at me you'd understand how much it hurts when you turn away. At least I know what I am to everyone else." A sideshow. A freak. A monster. "But I never can tell with you."

Ashley lowered her head. She wasn't finished, though. That was obvious even as the tears began to roll down her cheeks. "I see something in you I don't think you've let anyone else see." Ashley's voice lowered even more. She paused and sniffed, wiping at the errant tears on her face with the palm of her hand. "I don't know if you meant to show it, but you did." A faint smile cut through the emotions as Ashley's eyes returned to Ellen. "Sometimes you make me feel like I'm special. Others you make me feel less than nothing. I just want to know what I am to you." Ashley steeled herself. In spite of her pleads a soft warmth never left her gaze even now as she watched Ellen with hope in her eyes. "Because I know what you are to me."

[Ellen Banks]

Sometimes Ellen wished that Ash wasn't so emotional, of course that wasn't strictly her fault considering what she had gone through in her life but still she always felt the smallest movement had the most pronounced effect on her., she always felt that Ellen had to handle Ash with kid gloves all the time, which Ellen was NOT good at it. Not at the least. She was blunt to a fault and she didn't know when she should stop being...being..

...Well, her.

She looked up at Ash not looking away from her eyes her arms crossed taking every word in, not fully understanding what she was trying to get at...she enjoyed hanging around Ellen? Well that was something she wasn't used to hearing, Why on earth would she enjoy that? Ellen wasn't exactly pleasant company. Ash must be confused..she had to be, there was nothing else she had to offer the world, as she had been told in the past yet Ask saw something else in her? Clearly this was a mistake on her part.

Ellen didn't say anything for a moment letting Ash calm down before she gave voice to the question on her mind "...and what I'm I to you?"

[Ashley Benson]

It was almost infuriating the calm, collected manner in which Ellen took in every single desperate word Ashley sent her way. The outpouring of emotion drained Ashley of all the fire and energy that her frustration had built. She took the long silence as sort of an answer unto itself and slowly she began to regain her composure, but not her determination to find some sort of resolution.

The simple question was one Ashley had been prepared for and expected the moment the words came from her lips. The feelings Ellen brought out had been muddled and tainted by the constant storm that raged in her mind. Even during its most quiet times it clouded her thoughts and emotions. It had been such a clear and concise realization Ashley barely had the wherewithal to comprehend how certain she truly was.

Ashley watched Ellen as the question bounced around her mind. In her heart Ashley knew the answer. If only she could possibly find the right words to express exactly what it was that Ellen symbolized. So many words flooded her thoughts and none seemed to fit quite right. He brow furrowed as she struggled to sort it all out. And then it hit her. Ashley's eyes lit up as they caught Ellen's. 'What am I to you?'. Her lips parted and a single word escaped.

"Hope."

Everything instantly fell into place. "You're hope." Ashley said again. "I've heard you say it, that no one should ever feel anything for you. That someone would only get hurt. You're wrong, Ellen. I don't know what happened to make you feel like you don't deserve this but you're better than you think. Why did you take someone no one gave a second look to and endure hell because of them?" It didn't make sense if Ellen was so disconnected. Her voice lowered, slowing in tempo as Ashley's intent now was clear. "You took someone who had no chance and gave them hope. And for that..." Ashley offered a weak smile and shrugged her shoulders. "Can you blame me if I love you, Ellen?"

[Ellen Banks]

Ellen had to be cool and collected, if she wasn't she was likely to do something quite silly indeed . Unlike most of the school that worked on pure emotions instead of actually thinking things through. She always knew that cooler head always came off on top no matter what happened or what situation Ellen was in, it did her no good to panic but it did her a world of good to distant herself from a situation.

Which she seemed to be having trouble doing right about now...

If she was brutally honest, she considered herself selfish for keeping Ash around her as often as she did. She saw the way that Ash looked at her and spook about her and...it was different...and she kind of liked it. She looked at her like she wasn't some kind of witch like most people did...and maybe that was a mistake on her part maybe that was her looking at Ellen with rose colored glasses. There was no maybe about it, that's exactly what the case was...but that didn't stop her from enjoying it...

And then Ash provided the answer to her question

Hope.

If Ellen had a thousand guesses she would have never guessed that was how Ash saw Ellen. Who could possibly see that in Ellen? and as Ash spoke Ellen's heart sunk lower and lower.

Oh no Ash, please don't do this. This is a mistake. You're making a terrible making Ash." Ellen was the exact opposite of every Ash hoped for...

and then she said it.

"Love"

Ellen didn't move, her face becoming nothing more then a pale mask and her body turning into stone. Not expecting those words to exit her mouth, never expecting anyone to think of her like that...

No one has ever told Ellen they loved her before....

Eventually after a long pause of silent Ellen gently stood up and calmly walked over to Ash grasping her gently on the shoulders "Ashley. You need to listen to me ok? You don't love me, it might feel like you do but you don't. You have gone through a lot in the last few years. More then anyone should go through. It's only natural you feel attached to the first person that's friendly to you . But I'm not what you're looking for, asking anyone you want and they'll tell you the same thing. Do yourself a favor Ash, find someone else. Find someone that makes you happy

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley's eyes gleamed brightly as Ellen drew closer. The brilliant, azure pools were unphased by Ellen's words. Ashley's head only shook. The girl with the troubled past to end all troubled pasts, the girl who could never be sure of what she was seeing right in front of her face had never been more certain or clear headed than she was right now.

"You say that, Ellen." Hands came up to frame Ellen's face, fingertips grazung gently across her cheeks. "Do you believe a good person can do bad things?" Ashley spoke, her voice soft, almost gentle and yet it carried a certain clarity that she'd never had before. "I do. I believe we can do all manner of things and still be worth someone's love. You tell me to find someone who makes me happy without ever considering that I already have. Everything you are... Everything you're not. You have made me happier than I can ever remember being."

[Ellen Banks]

Ellen honestly just wanted to leave the room, because this conversation, it honestly scared her she didn't know how to handle stuff like this. She never could, she was looking in the face of everything she was afraid of, but she couldn't move even if she wanted to. It was like those plae blue eyes managed to freeze Ellen in place binding her feet together.

She flinched as Ash gently grabbed her both sides of her face like she half expected Ash to strike her but instead held her gently across the face, cupping her cheeks, she found comfort in the movement but she really, really wished that she didn't, that would make this so much more easy

Ellen found herself wanting to believe Ash's words, honestly she did but she couldn't bring herself ti. How could she possibly make Ash understand? Ellen was poison. Ash was pure and she needed to get away from Ellen as far as she could, she'll burn her. She'll destroy her. That's what she did. She hurt. It's what she did best.

Ellen found herself shaking lightly before gently grabbing Ash's wrists and forcing them down away from her face "I've hurt people for no good reason. I've ruined lives and I made people's lives a living hell. I've destroyed every single positive relationship I had and the ones that I do have? It's just a matter of time before I burn them too. You don't want this Ash."

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley allowed Ellen to pull her hands away from the blonde's cheeks, though she did so reluctantly. The physical contact, no matter how brief, had been a welcome sensation. She hadn't realized how comforting she found the soft feel of Ellen's skin beneath her fingertips had become. Even then, Ellen's words, her continued defiance did nothing to make Ashley's gaze waver.

"Do you judge me for the things I've done?" Ashley asked, her voice soft. She already knew the answer. Ellen was the only one who knew her secret. She'd seen Ashley at her worst, lived through the horrors the blue eyed girl had caused. Only Ellen was aware of the words printed on the newspaper article Ashley kept folded up neatly and tucked away in her wallet like a business card or receipt. It had been Ellen who Ashley went to. Ellen who Ashley trusted to read the terrifying headline of the article. "Do you judge me for the things I might do?" Ashley continued. She twisted her hands, turning them so her fingers could wrap around Ellen's before she could let go. "Why would I do that to you?"

"But is that it?" Ashley asked, her eyes searching Ellen's for any sign of an answer that would betray the blonde's words. "You're worried about hurting me?" She offered a thin smile that seemed to radiate the calm that had now settled over her. "Aren't you worried about me hurting you?" The smile widened faintly. "Don't you know what I am?" She said, though the look in Ashley's eyes made it seem for the first time since Ellen had known her she was okay with what she was. "What about you?" Ashley posed the question, eyes shining brightly. Her thumbs brushed along Ellen's wrists. "What do you want?"

[Ellen Banks]

She didn't move, a part of Ellen knew that she wouldn't. She honestly didn't know what else she could say to make Ash get the massage that she wanted the wrong thing, that she was asking for something that simply couldn't be. Why. did. No. one. Ever. Listen Ash must know there's a good reason why she saying all of this. Gah, why was Ash suddenly so stubborn. Timid submissive Ashley looked wildly more attractive right about now

Ellen was silence for a good few moments. No she didn't judge her not for the things she did, because that part of Ash...that person who did that horrible thing might as well be a totally different person to Ash that she knew it was easy to disconnect herself from that person hence why Ellen didn't judge her.

Ellen eyes looked into the distance or at least she tried too before she found herself falling into the deep blue holes that was her eyes, her heart beating a little faster then normal enjoying the feel of thumbs on her wrists "It's not about what I want Ash. It's not that simple. You don't understand my family...my father..." Ellen shook her head "I. Can't" Ellen spoke with gritted teeth ""I just can't"

[Ashley Benson]

Two things ran rapidly through Ashley's mind at Ellen's jilted response. The first was the words about her father. Ashley knew precious little of the Banks family or the way they raised their daughter. Ellen was a private individual but her reservations were beginning to make Ashley understand why. Ellen's father wouldn't approve, Ashley was able to glean that much. Ashley had been sequestered and isolated for years and even she was aware of certain points of contention and debate raged in the world around them. The moral and ethical implications of two young women falling in love being a particularly heated topic in the modern age.

The second, and easily the most poignant revelation Ashley had was also the far more simpler of the two. Ellen was reserved because she felt something. Concern seeped into Ashley's gaze as she studied Ellen's face. She hated it when Ellen looked upset. She thought the blonde was much more beautiful when she smiled. "Ellen I..." She trailed off, though there was an allure about the other girl that drew Ashley in. She couldn't help it. As she spoke she released Ellen's hands and slowly closed the gap between them. She reached up and allowed her fingertips to once again graze gently across Ellen's cheek. "I don't need anyone else to know." She said. Her voice had dropped to barely above a hushed, breathy whisper. Her lips lingered perilously close to Ellen's. "Just us."

[Ellen Banks]

Ellen didn't know how to process this, this was very very confusing for her, she didn't know how to....this. She didn't know a thing about how to handle...whatever this was and her head felt like it some kind of vice just getting tighter and tighter on her head. She almost wanted to freeze time and take a step back and try to figure out what was going on. What Ash wanted from Ellen...was insane. Crazy and there was no way that Ellen could provide her with what he wanted...

...But the question did she want to....That was...a question that Ellen had issues answering when she was....like this, with Ash so close she couldn't think straight with her damn heart beating so hard in her chest and Ash staring at her like that

She was sure she could think if she just blinked once....

She was so close now. Ellen could see every detail of her face, every dimple. Every freckle in such clarity and she could almost feel the natural warmth of her skin wafting off of her. There was something intoxicating about it...

What was it, she wanted to tell her? She couldn't remember...God her eyes were so bring

"Ash...." Ellen started half aware of how close they were and no idea how to end that sentence

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley's mind raced, though for once the thoughts that had been scattered about were clear and certain. She knew Ellen well enough to understand the weight of the expectations and hope she'd just thrown onto the blonde. This wasn't Ellen, wasn't what she did. That's what made the moments when she looked at Ashley in the ways she did so meaningful. It showed Ashley proof that beneath Ellen's cold, hard exterior beat a warm heart that was capable of love. But could there be love for someone as chaotic and erratic as Ashley?

With a shake of her head, Ashley pulled away. She understood Ellen's hesitation all to well. Maybe if she was different, maybe if she was normal Ellen wouldn't be so frightened about it all. Ellen's inaction spoke volumes. Ashley turned, unable to bear the other girl's gaze any longer. It was simple. Ashley's head didn't work right. Ellen had seen it. Ellen had bore witness to the worst her mind had to offer. How could someone as guarded as Ellen ever come to trust Ashley, of all people, with her affections?

"I'm sorry Ellen." Ashley whispered as she stood, head turned away from Ellen. She wanted to leave but couldn't bring herself to. Even now Ellen provided such a strong source of peace and solace. "I shouldn't have said anything. I know what I am and..." She trailed off. Her eyes lifted to take one last look at the blonde and Ashley regretted doing so. She turned fully now and took a few tentative steps toward the door. She had to leave. Had to escape. How could she have been so stupid to think anyone could possibly come to have feelings for her, let alone someone like Ellen?

The tiny voice that always danced in the back of her mind constantly needling her had rushed to the forefront. Through the stinging of tears in her eyes she saw her hand touch the knob of Ellen's door and twist. It felt as though the actions of her body were disconnected from the thoughts of her brain. The thoughts that were now echoing across her mind.

'Don't ever forget what you are'

'A psycho'

'A freak'

'A monster'