HerSelf's Journey in June

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

1st Week of June

This trip has proven to be quite enjoyable! The bus ride wasn't perhaps as enjoyable as it could have been, especially as I am back to wearing light gloves. We simply tell people that I've a skin condition when they ask, which happens only rarely. Mostly they just stare, which is a bit unpleasant, but doable.

We've already seen a few of the sights close to Montana. I had always been interested in the natural parks in this area, and we've visited quite a few. They're not my general choices for subjects, but I'm certainly learning quite a bit from the various instructors. They've gathered an expert! I hadn't heard of him, but he's quite good and nice and handles everything and everyone quite well. He did mention that we'll also be taking pictures of people. I got one of some of the others on the trip, as well as a photo or two of the rangers.

So far there haven't been any “incidents” either. It's a bit of a relief.

I do think I needed this. Saying goodbye to Alice hurt, but it didn't quite hurt as much as leaving Devyn had. I'm a bit worried that I've gone through two serious relationships in just a year: I really hope DL doesn't do or say anything. It's probably having quite the time with my leaving shortly after breaking up again. But Alice and I agreed that this is for the best, and we will keep in touch.

I miss her terribly. I think maybe I'm just one of those people who's better with someone else.

Though I'm still doing fine here. Having fun. Letting my hair down (I now have hair to let down again! Though I may cut it again; I haven't decided just yet). It's been quite the engaging trip already, and I know we're just getting started.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

The 2nd week of June

It's so fascinating, talking to other people. I've met someone else here, not, well, “met,” but met another person who came out in a rather rough way, and I feel like I've learned so much, mostly about not hiding myself. Though have I really been doing that lately? I started that way but... but I don't think I have lately? Ever since the Lesbian Pikachu thing, standing up to Devyn... it's as Olivia noticed: I'm different now. I don't think I could've told Alice, someone I loved so much, to leave to pursue a dream a year ago. I would've clung to her. We didn't even...

But that's the past. It's not going to do me any good to linger there, not any more. I need to move forward. That's why I'm here, right?

God, it hurts though. I keep thinking of her and I just want to cry until it hurts. I did a few nights. I don't think anyone noticed, or maybe they just didn't say anything. I was... I loved her and she's gone and I keep saying that I'm moving on and that I've grown but it still hurts every time I talk about it. I can grow my hair out and go on a cross-country tour and take fabulous pictures, but I still lost another person I love.

I'm just not quite sure I can do that any more.

No, no, I need to stop thinking that way. I can't. I'll... collapse or something. Dr. Bae would tell me to pull myself together or something. Or she'd just let me talk. I should just focus on the now.

I always thought I was good at photography, but I think I might even be better than I'd thought? I'm helping other people here, and they're all supposed to be good. Well, I sometimes feel like I'm learning more than I'm teaching... I think I mostly come off as better because of the poetry. I'll never be as good a photographer as these people, who focus on it full time, and I'll never be as good as the poets who do nothing but right.

So why am I bothering?

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

The 3rd week in June

I can't let them win. Di mentioned that to me, Diana, this girl I met while out here who's very attractive and sadly taken. I can't let them win and control me and decide how my life should be. I keep doing that. Keep letting the whole mutant thing be me. Or the homosexual business. Or my art. I should just be me, whoever that is, and it's perfectly fine to be finding her too.

Yes, I can be me: Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe. A girl who likes other girls, especially dark and pretty ones. A girl who likes photography. A girl who happens to be a mutant. A girl who loves people and emotions and just... everyone.

I also might have had a bit too much wine. I'm feeling a bit dizzy, but I wanted to write this down to remember it all. It could be important.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

The 4th Week of June

I'm Zoe Elizabeth Wallerstein-Smythe. I became a mutant in 2014. I discovered I preferred females at precisely the same time. I have been shot by people who hated mutants and homosexuals. I have put people in the hospital. I killed a man. I take photographs. I create things.

I am Zoe.
Zoe is me.
She is separate from other people.
But she needs other people.
I need people.
But I am me.
Me can need others.
And that is fine.

I am an artist.
I create.
That is my core.
I will spread with my art.
I will be who I was meant to be.
I will be connected.
I will be Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe.
I will wear my hair long.
I will love girls.
I will create.
I will be a mutant.
I will help other people.
I will care about them.
I will take love into the future.
I will spread it in word and deed.
I will be me.
I will be with others.
I will be me.
I will be me.

I will be me.