nip's a helluva drug, man

[Humphries]

Humphries had received a report of a suspicious bag that had been sighted in the staff offices. The message had been sent via his communications device, and he knew that channel to be secure, secure enough that he didn't think he needed to worry. It was highly unlikely that another staff member would attempt anything nefarious. Though Humphries did have his suspicions about a few. Well, he supposed he'd see in a few moments.

Humphries approached the bag in the office in question. First he'd jumped onto the chair, then the desk, and then approached. It looked... green. Humphries sniffed, and thought he caught a familiar scent. Curious, Humphries leaned forward, taking another sniff. It really smelt quite familiar. So Humphries licked at the bag tentatively...

...next thing he knew he was shooting down the hall on a rolling chair, letting out a meow that was both terror and thrill, his eyes wide and his mouth covered in a ring of green plant material. He cared not for any obstacles that got in his way, for he was invincible! He was Humphries, God of Cats, and he let everyone know by wailing as loudly as possible.

[Tobias Croft]

It was going to be HILARIOUS.
Toby had been pretty damn certain that his latest joke, although simple in principle, was going to result in sure fired hilarity. He was, after all, a comedy genius. Part one; Obtain catnip. Part 2: Leave said catnip in the staff offices. Part 3: With the amount of feline mutant staff, there was a high chance of one of them finding it. Part 4: Watch the chaos.
The plan had been put into motion earlier that morning, but due to Toby's short attention span, he'd found the waiting tiresome and had left the office to go and actually do the work he was paid to do.
Upon his class coming to an end however, and with his latest prank seemingly bringing him no result, Toby had decided to retrieve the green and bring it home to Kaiju. At least he'd appreciate it.

That was until a loud, shrill miaow of both terror and pure delight broke the quiet, Toby getting next to no time to react as a cat sat on a chair going at quite some speed hurtled down the corridor. With a high pitched squeal, Toby just about managed to throw his hands out and grab hold of the chair before it hit him, coming nose to nose with the feline which was riding his chair steed. He opened his eyes, abruptly stopping his squealing as he blinked at the cat.
A moment of silence passed.
Toby knew about Humpheries. He'd become quite the legend among the students, although Toby had little dealings with him up until about three seconds ago. He wasn't quite sure how exactly he WORKED, if he was a mutant, if he was a mutant cat. Frankly he didn't care. Hey, if the place hired him, who was he to judge if they hired a cat? 

"... You took the nip, didn't you?" He commented, raising an eyebrow. He pouted, before a looking up the corridor, then down the corridor. All clear. He grinned at the cat. "We should totally race chairs down the corridor."

[Humphries]

Humphries stared at the being above him, who had stopped the chair. He couldn't recall how he'd managed to stay on the chair: he thought claws had something to do with it, but he couldn't say for absolute certain. His wide, drugged out eyes stared up at the man, not really identifying him, and only just barely hearing the words.

Humphries let out a loud meow at the question, and attempted to raise up and bat at the air, as if to further proclaim his awesome near-godhood to this poor mere mortal who did not truly comprehend the vastness of the universe, nay the multiverse! For Humphries could see on levels and dimensions at the man could not begin to comprehend!

Like how there were things upon his feet that needed attacking! Humphries leapt from the chair, paws extended, making a pounce straight for the bits of anatomy in question, determined to attack the vicious creatures that were no doubt using this man's pants to infiltrate. Ha! Little did they realize they'd be encountering Humphries: god among mortals!

[Tobias Croft]

So his genius idea had worked perfectly. The thing was, Toby hadn't exactly researched the effects of the green upon a mutant cat, if that's what this creature was, nor any normal cat for that matter. Toby didn't exactly think along the "common sense" line of thought, the part that would have informed him that not only was it a terrible idea, but to attempt to communicate with a high feline whom he had never quite understood to start with wasn't exactly the most intelligent course of action.

Although granted, a chair race WOULD have been hilarious.

But the creature seemed to have other things in mind. Toby flinched back from the cat's paw, his grin turning into a pout, followed by a glare. "HEY. It was only an idea-" He began, but sadly could not finish. His words became a loud yelp, a mixture of surprise and fear as the cat- mutant- thing, whatever it was, leapt for his feet, claws extended. Toby danced back, trying to keep the creature from sinking it's claws into his person. "HEY- CHILL- LITTLE-" He gave another almost shrill cry as he fell back, having tripped over his feet, ending up on his back. He immediately covered his face with his arms, expecting the attack to continue. "THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN!"

It most certainly had not been... Cat mutant thing 1, Toby 0.

[Humphries]

A yelp! This pathetic, hairless, whimpering being clearly was in awe of the wonder that was Humphries, god among mortals! Humphries flipped, both literally and figuratively, attacking and going at the foot like it was the devil incarnate and he was a reincarnated ANGEL OF DEATH. Die, pathetic little foot, die! There would be no chilling! Only vengeance. No plan! Only Violence!

Wait: Humphries paused. He looked at the leg, his eyes growing wider. he thought he smelled something... odd. He began sniffing about the leg, his ears flattening with the sheer intensity of his action. He tilted his head over and even opened his mouth to taste the odor... the odor of...

ANOTHER CAT.

This would not do! Humphries began rubbing against the leg with great fervor, determined to get his smell over it. his body sort of flopped about as he did it, since his godly coordination meant that he wasn't quite the epitome of grace that he normally was. He rubbed all along it, pushed his side against it, and stared, wondering if he should start going into drastic measures...

[Tobias Croft]

The attack continued on, Toby covering his head with his hands at first should the cat decide to go for his face instead, trying to move his foot from the animal's claws but at the same time trying not to hurt it. "HEY! Little guy, this is NOT-" He froze, blinking up at the ceiling as the creature ceased it's attack, instead beginning what felt like an intense massage. Raising a brow and nervously sitting up, Toby eyed the being with suspicion as he watched it rub itself against his leg as though it were now it's greatest friend. The sharp change in attitude, accompanied with the fact this cat was as high as a kite, filled the trainer with dread; The attack may have quelled but he couldn't help but feel that something worse was coming.
"... That's better," Toby spoke as he narrowed his eyes, slowly reaching out to the feline, stroking it's back with a tentative touch as it proceeded to rub vigorously over his leg. "See? There's a nice kitty cat-" He then quickly pulled his hand away, his narrowed gaze firmly fixed on the clawed creature. It had stopped, and was staring at his leg. Toby hadn't had a cat for long, and while he was an owner still learning cat behaviors, he'd quickly learned not to trust them; And this one seemed the one to trust the least.

"... Don't. Even. THINK. About. it." He spoke, slowly moving his legs away from the creature, not breaking his gaze from the feline. He didn't know what exactly was going on in the cat's head, but no doubt it was something terrible.

[Humphries]

Humphries kept rubbing for some time. He could vaguely hear the rumbling, hairless two-leg saying something about how nice he was. At least, Humphries assumed that was directed at him. he was the most deserving creature in the room, nay, in the school. He was certainly the one purring in response to it, purring and working his scent gland all over the leg and...

and now seriously considering. He let out a meow as the man began to move. The threat had returned! Humphries began attacking the leg again, batting with both legs and lunging forward. His teeth got into the action now, but there was the whole pant in the way.

Humphries then noticed something just behind the man. Letting out another meow, he bounded over, coming to a stop and staring at a spot on the ground. Yes, he could see it: the answer to the universe lay just in this speck of dust. Humphries meowed and began rubbing his head along it, flipping over. He was looking up at the human, and he widened his eyes, hoping to show the human that he was attaining enlightenment by touching the spot of great knowing.

As if that wasn't obvious enough already.

[Tobias Croft]

The miaow came, a preliminary cry to the attack about to commence, and before Toby could respond nor flee, the onslaught of claws and now teeth returned with violent vigour. "HEY! CAT, CAT NO- THAT'S NOT-" Toby franticly tried to pull his leg from the evil feline's grasp, which only seemed to make it hold on with an even stronger resolve. He was practically pushing himself along the corridor on the floor, swearing under his breath and trying to fend off the creature; They made quite a ridiculous sight.
The whole catnip gag was beginning to increasingly feel as though it had been a very poor choice, as Toby once more opted for the "fall onto your side, curl into a ball and wait until it's over" tactic.

Finally, the attack quelled, and the vile little creature shifted it's attention to a spot on the floor just behind him, flipping over and rolling over it with a look of upmost wide eyed... Enlightenment? Toby slowly moved his arms from where he'd had them over his head in an effort to protect his face should the attack shift there, shifting his gaze to where the animal now lay. With a pout, and a cat like hiss at his attacker, Toby then sat up; He kept his narrowed eyes on the feline, taking a moment to examine his leg; No blood, but it had managed to rip through a portion of his trousers.
"... You're a shit, you know that?" He commented. "You owe me a pair of trousers." His expression however began to soften as he watched the cat. "No, you're not getting me with that "Aww look at me I'm so adorable" crap, if that's what you're pulling."
He fell silent, glaring at the animal, before he pouted, slowly reaching out a hand out and giving the cat a nervous belly rub. "...You're still a shit."

[Humphries]

ENLIGHTENMENT! Humphries could see it swirling in the cosmos that centered wholly and concretely on this spot... this spot which must. smell. like. him. Now! Humphries began working and grinding against it, still flipped onto his belly, momentarily forgetting about the human who was technically responsible for this current condition. He slowly stretched out...

..and felt someone touching him! Humphries twisted, his eyes wide. Both paws latched onto the arm, but he didn't have his claws out... not yet. Instead Humphries curled upward to smell this arm... this arm which... DIDN'T SMELL LIKE HIM. That needed fixing now, and so Humphries arched and rubbed all the more fiercely against the arm, dragging his head so that his wide eyes got wider still.

He thought he heard the person talking, something about shit. Maybe Humphries was the shit? No, Humphries let out a meow and twisted. The spot was the shit. The spot was all. Oh, and the guy still needed to smell like Humphries. So more head-butting and rubbing. yessssss.