we tell no one

[Humphries]

Humphries glared out from the branches of the Christmas tree, shifting himself slightly, very slightly. His body was starting to go stiff from holding the position for as long as he had, but he certainly believed it would be worth it. he'd overheard a few conversations from students regarding holiday pranks, and he was fairly certain that he'd witnessed at least one illegal drug transaction (though it was hard to say, because there had been a particularly flashy bauble that had dropped in his face at just the right time). Now, however, he was finding himself more or less stuck, nestled into the tree without an easy route down, certainly not a route he wanted to take on his own.

So without any other recourse, he'd contacted one of the few staff members he knew he could trust instinctively. Tamara Sulik happened to be his roommate, which meant that he certainly spent enough time with her. She also happened to be a monitor, which meant that Humphries could likely pass along the information and some of his recordings to the woman, and they could do something from there.

First though, first they'd have to get him out of this tree. So Humphries had contorted and focused and finally sent out his message:

TAMARA SULIK; i stuck in tree. most not comfortable. very stuck. tree in DORM FIRST FLOOR. need assist to get down. please be helping as soon as convenience.

Sometimes, Humphries well and truly hated his device...

[Tamara Sulik]

Was it still weird to have a cat for roommate and colleague? Of course it was, but Tamara liked to think she got used to it, as used as one could with such an unbelievable situation. She found some positive points in having such an ally. Even though the students were warned about this particular cat, many still forgot to really pay attention at him. Of course, it also meant she had to do to her roommate more than she ever expected to do with any of them, but she simply decided to think she was taking care of a cat when that happened. She never thought she would turn into a cat lady. That thought was actually depressing. If that came, Humphries suddenly turned back into the mutant and colleague he was. In one word, he became whatever she was most comfortable with calling him, depending on the situation. It was still weird though but it was something she chose to accept, since she had little choice in it.

She could easily forget about Humphries herself, doing her job and assuming he could manage. He told her as much after all, and she was not the only one in this school he could bother with his messages. Now and then however, she received one. Much like today. She heard a brief sound warning her she got a message. Since she was not one to receive a lot of phone calls and messages unless it had to do with work or what she would consider an emergency, she normally answered them pretty quickly. And this one came from Humphries.

At first, when she read ‘stuck in tree’, she wondered what he did exactly. She thought at first he ended up outside and she didn’t like the idea of having to put on her coat and let the cat jump in her arms because he didn’t want to throw himself in the cold snow. Luckily, it was a tree in the school grounds but that didn’t make it any less odd. How did he end up stuck in the tree decorating the first floor? And why did he do such a thing?

She generally answered the cat’s requests quickly. It wasn’t much and he happened to be polite whenever he asked for something, whether it was intentional or a result of his device trying to make the cat the most civil possible. Either way, it was a nice change from the students who weren’t that polite most of the time and for this reason, she didn’t mind helping him out before others. The fact she was heading downstairs on the first floor of the dorm section of the school also helped her decide.

Stopping by the tree, she had to look around before spotting Humphries. “Please, tell me you didn’t get yourself stuck in here only because the ornaments looked so interesting to play with or I’m keeping you there,” she let out now that she had a good sight of the cat. She didn’t know which feat she should be most astonished of: that he stuck himself like this or that he got in there in the first place.

[Humphries]

Humphries heard the woman before he saw her. The trees blocked a fair amount of his vision, after all, and, well, he'd always been proud of his hearing. He certainly heard the comments she made. He responded by narrowing his eyes and letting out a short little meow. It took some work to give off enough body language for his device to manage, but Humphries did have some experience:

racist comment not being appreciate. shinies distract but good at avoid. took perch to view students. have much info. need help getting down.

Humphries sent the message and then readjusted, trying to move slightly forward. He was, at the least, quite visible. He let out another meow and extended a paw, batting at the air, hoping to make himself that much more noticeable and perhaps looking very much in need of help. He figured that Tamara would help anyway, as she was often the type who would do so, but he also figured that it couldn't hurt.

[Tamara Sulik]

Tamara never thought she would ever become a cat person. She was not an animal one to begin with. It wasn’t that she disliked them or anything, but she never thought she’d own one. True, she didn’t own Humphries, he owned himself, but sometimes the line between colleague, roommate and serving master seemed pretty thin with that one.

It was particularly weird to be glared by a cat. She supposed they were able to. They always seemed to have a ‘bitch please’ sort of look when staring at humans, from her own opinion. Still, she could swear he glared at her right now. As if to prove her point, she received a message from him. Once again, Tam was amazed how this place was the only place where weird things like texting cats could go as ordinary. Even television shows could not make it better than this. “Alright, alright, my apologies,” she said, in regard to the ‘racist’ comment. She supposed cats were a race, but it sure was weird to be called racist by one.

Battling a little to get the best angle in order to grab Humphries without having too many branches in the way, she was glad he moved forward a little to make it easier. That paw up did make Humphries look somewhat helpless, but it also made it clear for her she better not simply walk away. She was able to do so, if the cat proved to be ungrateful or insulting but since he was neither, and she came up with the ‘racist’ joke, she did not intend to leave him up there. “Behind them was not subtle enough? Or you were aiming for a better viewpoint?” she asked as she finally reached for Humphries so she could put him down safely.

[Humphries]

Humphries flicked a tail and waved his paw, trying to show that he understood the accidental racism. It happened to people who weren't exactly used to dealing with a cat who happened to be an intellectual equal. Humphries had learned to take these things in stride, especially from people who didn't mean it in a harsh way, which was certainly the case with Tamara.

Humphries shifted and tried to get as far out and away from decorations and such as he could. He could still feel some of them scraping against his fur and was glad that he had it as protection. He purred slightly at Tamara's comments though, tilting his head and trying to get the device to send the message without being too much of a nuisance to grab:

not expect the SPANISH INQUISITION. no, auto-fill. bad. this happening with nerds. students not expect cat in tree. go tree to do the kissed and the hugged and the drugs. cat learning much.

And he had it recorded too, and would likely work with Tamara to review, assuming of course they managed to get him out of the tree first.

[Tamara Sulik]

To be fair, Tam was able to say a comment that was close to being racist even to a human being. Not that she would mean it in a racist kind of way. The fact Humphries was a cat only made it harder for her not to mention yarn balls and mice. It was why she had no desire to buy Humphries any gifts for Christmas, not that she intended to buy anyone anything. She had no idea how he would react should she give him some catnip. There was a part in this gift that sounded like such a cruel joke to make, considering he was more than just a cat.

Tamara didn't want to knock any decoration off the tree, just like she didn’t want to get some branch in her face. Whoever chose and decorated the trees did a really good job for it was a bit of a struggle to get Humphries out of there. She still couldn’t believe what he had done, getting all the way here, only to watch some students. She nearly wished he had tried and failed, with said students taking a video with their phone. No, that would be too rude, he was not just a cat. How hard it could be sometimes to remember this!

She knew Humphries sent her a message but she made sure the cat was safe on the floor before she reached for her phone. “I didn’t hurt you while grabbing you?” she asked but there was something in her tone that sounded as if she said it only for the form. She was not a pet kind of person, a consequence of having more farm animals than kids to play with as a child. She finally reached for her phone and read the message. The kissing and the hugging, Tam didn’t care too much. She’d say something, of course, because she felt like she had to, but it was not the worst of offense. The mention of drugs however, now this caused Tamara to suddenly think his idea of jumping in a tree wasn’t all that dumb. “You saw anything?”

[Humphries]

Tamara worked quite well, handled him quite well. Humphries had to struggle not to start purring or do something else that would be quite embarrassing. He'd already started to slightly purr as it was, and he barely managed to suppress it. Thankfully, they did extract him from the tree. He slid down from Tamara's arms with as much grace as could be expected. He'd barely hit the floor when he started rubbing against Tamara's legs, showing his appreciation in the way of his people.

However, he soon stopped, realizing that this was certainly not how a staff member should comport himself. He did suppose he should answer the questions. The bit about being hurt should have been fairly evident from his work, but he did need to get serious and respond to the second question as well. Humphries pulled himself away from Tamara and twisted in the appropriate manner to send out the information:

I witnessed much of the badding. only one student doing the selling of the drugs: not sure if allowing. seems fishy. also some issues with the bullied Humphries moved around, looking over at the room. he did have a recording device in his collar, so he figured they could look that over, make certain to get the evidence they needed to punish the right people.

[Tamara Sulik]

Tamara could take working with a cat. She never thought she could, or, to be exact, she never thought she would ever have to think about working with a cat. The problem was to treat this cat as more than just a cat. Every time the urge to stroke him or anything took her, which would be normal in other circumstances, she had to remember she would be stroking a colleague and that made it sound a lot more like harassment than the petting it was meant to be. Humphries brought a lot of little complications like that without even meaning to and Tamara didn’t know what was worse, worrying whether she was professional enough around him or the fact that she worried in the first place. It seemed a very ridiculous thing to do.

Yet she couldn’t help it from happening, just like it was right now as Humphries rubbed against her legs. Separating the things a normal cat would do and what a colleague would do could be so difficult sometimes! She considered it a good thing she had yet found Humphries in her room while she was changing or something of the like. She might not just be able to take it.

The idea there might be some student selling drugs pushed her thoughts regarding Humphries pretty far in the back of her mind however. This was far more important and had to be dealt with, same for the bullying although it might be harder without someone coming forward about it and Tamara not witnessing it happening right before her eyes. “Were you able to recognize anyone? I can’t just start looking into every dorm around here,” she pointed out. They might get rid of the drug otherwise and she had to make sure it really was drug and not something else. Not that she particularly liked kids selling anything around here but there wasn’t much to do if they sold something totally harmless and perfectly legal.

[Humphries]

Humphries had to fight down a purr, remembering that they were on important staff business. This was likely a one-time thing, though he was counting on Tamara's knowledge of the students to be able to determine that for certain. He didn't quite have as exhaustive a knowledge of the residents of the school as he wished.

The question had him pulling off, twisting slightly to send another message to his coworker. recorded on device via camera in bow He then moved to tilt his head, displaying the rather large bow he wore at all times. it wasn't just a matter of fashion: Humphries did believe in looking professional at all times, and it certainly didn't matter if one happened to be a feline or not. Said bow also did quite a good job of hiding his communications device and the camera built in there.

Humphries waited till Tamara took notice before twisting again, ready to send another message: been doing the recording but might be not so good visual. very fine with the recording of the audio. Humphries added a purr to that, enjoying himself far, far too much.

[Tamara Sulik]

Tamara knew this was not ordinary cat. His bow was like a James Bond gadget able to do all sorts of incredible thing you wouldn’t expect a bow to make. Like hold a little device allowing him to hack into cellphones so he could send texts. It would then seem natural that it could also hold a camera to record the wrongdoings happening around the school, especially since it would be hard for Humphries to stop them all by himself. Puss in Boots might be a funny character but he remained a cat version of Antonio Banderas and nothing more.

Still, Tamara couldn’t help bring out a “You can do that? Of course you can,” after reading his message. It was a brilliant idea, she would not deny it but she couldn’t help wondering if the camera worked at all times. Tamara already watched herself around Humphries. The fact he was a cat didn’t seem to work with her. But now that she knew he had a camera, a need to behave properly around him took her. Who watched those videos exactly? Amazing how Big Brother turned out to be a cat.

“Right. Let’s go back to the monitor’s office so we can have a look,” she said after his second message. She wasn’t sure how to get it but she supposed the cat knew and he would tell her. Anyway, she thought it was best to check it out in the office. She could worry about this there.

[Humphries]

Of course he could. Humphries purred, greatly pleased at the compliment and even moreso at the sentiment behind it. Yes, he certainly could do quite a lot, a good deal more than most people suspected. He did, however, need others from time to time, especially those such as Tamara, who had a good head on her shoulders and a dedication that Humphries could certainly appreciate.

So the cat flicked his tail and let out a meow of agreement, following along as they headed toward the monitor's office. He'd been there a few times and he certainly had no issue with keeping up. Cats could, for the most part, keep pace with humans, and likely Tamara wouldn't try to lose her feline companion. Soon they'd be in the monitor room. Then Humphries would scrunch up, preparing himself, and then launch at the table.

After skittering slightly, he readjusted himself as best he could, pulling into his regal sitting position. Then, he quite deliberately tilted his head, offering up his bow for Tamara. He would have sent a text, but that required moving, generally speaking, and he didn't want to make this part any more difficult than it had to be.

[Tamara Sulik]

Tamara had to admit that putting a camera in Humphries’ bow was a great idea. By now, certainly a few students started to realise he was more than just a cat but no doubt they would need a lot more to take him seriously and fear what he could do. She could understand. Tamara didn’t think, had they’d been a cat like him when she was a student, that she would have watched herself around him, unless caught because of said cat a few times before. Who would have thought that Rowling wasn’t all that insane with her Mrs Norris. Although it might just mean Tamara was Filch and she wasn’t quite sure about that one.

She thought she started to understand him a little better. There were intonations in his purrs and moews and the way he flicked his tail that could help indicate if he was happy or not. It was still pretty hard to know for sure but Tamara thought she was getting there. That too was not something she quite knew what to think about but if it helped make things less awkward around Humphries she was for it. Who cared if others thought she was weird to talk with a cat. She was also getting text messages from him, it wasn’t like things weren’t already a little weird.

She tried to adjust her pace with that of Humphries. Of course, she expected him to know where the monitor’s office was located but it would be more polite to accompany him there than head to her office first and wait for him to join. Plus he didn't make her walk too slowly so she didn’t mind.

She looked at Humphries jumped on the table and seemed to wait for her. “Oh, you want me to look?” she asked, pointing at the bow. She moved the bow slightly to notice the different devices it hid, including the small camera. “Alright, and what do you want me to do with it? I’m not really good with that kind of stuff,” she admitted. She understood there was a way to view what was recorded but she wasn’t certain how. It wasn’t like his bow was big enough to hide the kind of camera you could just rewind and look at an attached screen what was recorded.

[Humphries]

Humphries let out a soft meow and batted the air with the paw as Tamara asked if he wanted her to look. She shuffled about the bow, likely taking note of the fact that they were mostly oriented toward the one major device. His communicator was actually set to read his body movements and to record certain information onto a drive, including a bit that could be seen with the lens. It wouldn't take the highest quality of pictures, but it would work.

As for how Humphries was going to communicate what Tamara should do with it without moving to use his device... even he wasn't sure how to do that. He did possess some rudimentary hacking skills and could, with enough time and patience, type out messages. He twisted to look at a computer, trying to figure something out. Finally, he raised a paw to gently bat Tam's hand away, needing the extra room.

Then he just elected to pad over to the computer. He studied it for a moment, and then pawed at it, indicating that Tamara should be getting ready to use it (which would be necessary for reading the video) and potentially pulling up something so he could communicate.

[Tamara Sulik]

As she checked behind this huge bow of his, Tamara felt like she was getting inside the cat’s head or something. This was how he could work things out. She didn’t think she was being intrusive, she was simply amazed at this peek into the ways Humphries got around the school. Sure, she already knew about the device but she had never actually seen it. People could have told her it was implanted in his brain that she could have believed them.



She also took note of the camera. She thought it was brilliant. A bit like those cameras some people put in teddy bears and stuff like that to make sure the babysitter was doing a good job. Kids better not know about this camera just yet or they will start worrying about Humphries for real. Tam knew, had she been a student, she would have done a good job getting as far away from the cat if she knew he had a camera. No need to record everything she did in her life. She definitely could not understand those on Twitter or Facebook who loved to detail every moment of their lives. Who cares if your sandwich was good! If you find a finger in it, Tam might like to know but she’d rather keep what she ate for lunch to herself.



She was surprised by Humphries tapping her hand. She moved it away only to join him in front of the computer. “I kind of forgot I had my hand in your bow. Must have been hard to communicate that way’” she let out as she realised it. Oh well, she no longer did and she could look now what images he caught with his little camera. She went to the computer and took control of the keyboard, assuming it might be hard for Humphries with his paws to type what he wanted. She still left him enough space so he could watch over what she was doing and help her out.

[Humphries]

Strangely, most of the students didn't figure that the cat assigned to watch them probably had a camera. Some grew suspicious but even then, they got used to the cat being around. If they weren't used to him they just sort of respected him and moved around him. Well, that and Humphries could sneak about and go essentially where he wanted: he was a cat after all.

Though that had been something of a deterrent for the moment. Tamara proved as intelligent as Humphries believed her to be. She extracted the camera, at least pulling it out enough. Though technically the camera and Humphries' communication device were intertwined, leaving him feeling a little off-put. Still, he went along with it, purring as she hooked it up.

He waved as the computer read his device, letting out a little meow. Despite himself, Humphries found himself drawn to the compute. He... he wanted to lay on the keyboard. Yes, he would just spread himself out and stretch over the keys. That felt so right... yes, he spread out over them, feeling them poking him, but he let out a purr, stretching, losing himself to the feline urge, even patting at a nearby mouse.