Cool for Cats (Humphries)

[Jack McCarthy]

The corridor was quiet….Good. Quiet was good. An absent of purring or tiny little foot steps was good. Jacks head slowly crept around the corner making sure the coast was clear; Deserted. Not a soul in sight and for a man trying to avoid a certain someone that was a very good thing. So Jack cautiously crept down the hallway. His eyes twisted in every possible way in clear unease, if someone was to tap him on the shoulder. He must likely would have jumped a foot in the air in clear fear. Walking around the school was now an obstacle course and a emotional rollercoaster.

Why was Jack so freaked out walking through a hall? Why was he on the verge of a heart attack with just a simple act? Well to answer that. Here’s a little known fact about Jack McCarthy: He and the animal kingdom had a strained relationship. Jack didn’t like them and they certainly didn’t like him. Jack had spent half his wolf trying to avoid wild dogs who had taken an instant dislike to him. Flies and nats just wanted to eat him the pieces, but…the one animal….The one animal that hated Jack with a burning horrible passion, the one animal that stood heads and shoulders above the rest in turns of sheer sadistic tendencies; Was cats. Jack had an all consuming case of Ailurophobia ever since he was a child, Cats wanted nothing but to claw and maned him like the evil little beasts that they were and quite frankly they creeped him out. There was something eerily about them that sent chills down Jack’s spine...Something about their eyes

So you can imagine how he felt when he found out about the security cat….

At first Jack thought it was some kind of joke on the part of Erika. Seriously. A cat. A fucking cat on the staff. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?! But yes it turned out to be true. Much to Jack’s horror. So early in the week he tried to voice some concerns of his via text and…Well, Jack just liked to pretend that was some kind of weird fever dream because…things got weird….fast.

But it wasn’t like Jack had anything to fear, it was just a stupid cat and he was bigger and stronger then that cat could ever be, so he had nothing to fear.

…So why did he get the feeling he was being watched?

[Humphries]

Because he was being watched.

Humphries had experience in stalking students, lots of experience. When you'd been a cat for the better part of a decade or so, you picked up a few things. Add on a human intelligence and some actual training in stealth and, well, most people didn't realize that Humphries was following them unless he wanted them to.

He did now.

For he'd encountered Jack almost immediately. Oh, he'd read through a few files, particularly the important ones. They'd let him know that he should avoid one "Frank Cox" under pretty much any circumstances, but Jack, Jack McCarthy, he would be fun to play with. Because nobody ever believed that the adorable animal who happened to be staff would actively screw with a student's head.

Well, at least, not until they got to know him.

So Humphries waited till he heard the boy. Then, he very purposefully brushed against a vase that had been set in the hall for decoration, making it wobble. He'd already bounded to hide behind a plant across the hall, practically grinning as he focused on his victim.

[Jack McCarthy]

So this was how every blond bimbo felt like before she was cut in half by a giant dude in a hockey mask.

At first Jack viewed the quiet and the deserted hall way as a friend but now? He suddenly wished it was full of people, at least then if a giant murderous cat tried to claw him to death at least then he might have some help from some well meaning students. Now? It was just him and the uneasy feeling of eyes on him….

Ok, get a grip Mccarthy. Jack said shaking his head somewhat, all he needed to do was to get past this corridor and then he was home free, maybe he might go to his dorm room, maybe he can hang out with Luxanna and she can tell him how crazy this all was maybe he can run a farm and move to china, he could do anything he wanted. The future looked so bright outside the hallway and everything would be awesome if he could just escape. “ The Indians send signals from the rocks above the pass the cowboys take positions in the bushes and the grass” Jack sang lightly to himself in order to distract himself from the sounds of his heart echoing like a drum as he picked up spend a little”The squaw is with the corporal she is tied against the tree she doesn't mind the language.it's the beating she don't need” Hey it was actually working some what. Jack was starting to calm down, If the cat was staking him surely he would have attacked already. And maybe he was being an moron for even thinking that he was in some kind of danger from a stupid mangy cat “She lets loose all the horses when the corporal is asleep and he wakes to find the fire's dead and arrows in his hat and Davy Crockett rides around and says it's cool for c-“

Jack then suddenly flailed his arms around uttering a high pitched girly shirk as he body twisted behind him. What was that?! What the fuck was that! Jack head twirled in every single direction as if expecting someone to attack him on his blindside but breath a sigh of relief as he saw it was just a vase shuddering back and forward…as if someone or something brushed against it…

Odd…

With his hands still up as if in a boxing match he took a quick look around trying to find any hint of fur or a tail but finding none “It was probably the wind…Or Ghosts, yeah probably ghosts” Jack nodded to himself before turning to his fists relaxing them “False alarm boys…” He said before turning back around clearly more uneasy “Mental note: Never leave the room without bat”

[Humphries]

How very delightful this was turning out to be! And people said that surely life as a cat must be boring! Clearly they'd never spent time stalking nervous students in the hall. Humphries had to actively fight the urge to purr as he followed Jack's movements with his eyes, a sort of feline smile spreading on his face. Now, he just needed to add a little more, confirm that no, it wasn't a false alarm.

So Humphries slunk and slid his way across the hall, finding another vase. This one he leaned forward into, ducking his head slightly down. Then, he released a loud, plaintive meow into it, one that echoed eerily and rang throughout. Before he'd even fully finished the noise, Humphries was bounding off, dashing to the relative safety that was a nook with a water fountain.

From his new location, Humphries could observe the thrashing McCarthy boy all the more. And he could even allow himself a slight bit of purring, his tail flicking oh so contentedly.

[Jack McCarthy]

Ok. It was fair to say that Jack at the best of times was a paranoid individual, a person with a penchant for the dramatics, it never rained it poured occurring to him. Whenever he got paper cut, he thought he would bleed to death. If he was ever found doing something wrong and brought to a teachers office he just naturally assumed that he would get corporal punishment. And when he ran afoul of a demon cat instead of being viewed passively maybe even brushed against in affection, he would believe that the cat would leap up and rip out his throat and prance around his blood. There waas just something about him that made cats go apeshit. He first noticed it at the unfortunate age of 8 years old. When he and his class visited a farm crawling with cows horses dogs and of course cats. Jack of course being Jack managed to sneak any from the group and find the kitty enclosure and snuck in wanting for all his heart to snuggle them and smother them with love.

They found Jack later 20 minutes curled up into a ball with claw marks all over his body with the kittens totally surrounding him.

From that day forward he vowed never to outwardly show any love to anything ever again….Ok, not really, that would be just stupid, but still it was a fitting metaphor for his love life…

So Jack’s heart slowed just a little bit calming down knowing that was no one was sneaking up behind him and scarin-THAT WAS A MEOW. THAT WAS A FUCKING MEOW. Jack turned around even faster deep knowing full well that, this time it wasn’t a figment of imagination, but once again was greeted with the sight of nothing whatsoever. This did little to calm him there “Hello?! Whose there” As if he didn’t already know. Who else would meow like that?! “If someone’s messing with me, you better stop..You know why? Because I’m a man. With arms and longs and bulbuls balls. Come anywhere near me and I’ll beat you with them”

[Humphries]

Delicious, simply delicious. Oh, how enjoyable it was to play with felinaphobes! They didn't even require all that much work! Humphries purred, then realized that said purring could quite possibly be unnerving in and of itself. However, he didn't have much a way of increasing it, so he had to pause and think. St. Bethany had several suits of armor that he could often crawl into or press himself against to amplify the noise. There weren't any such decorations at Bellefonte. No, instead they had the occasional vase and those paintings and whatnot. The paintings were quite striking, but hardly useful. Humphries had already used the vase once, and he so hated to repeat himself.

He hopped and slid his way across again. He got as close to Jack as he dared, making sure to situate himself behind him. Then, as soon as he could, he let out the loudest, noisiest purr that he could. Once he had that good revving noise going, Humphries let out a meow. It took the purr and transformed it into a noise that most feline lovers would recognize as being a sign of one pleased feline.

It would likely be the soundtrack to Jack's nightmares.

[Jack McCarthy]

Silence once again greeted him our loud month hero as he called out his bizarre little threat to the shadows themselves. Jack was posed to flee like a little girl should something with paws covered in fur with a tail come running out of the darkness, yet Jack was still utterly alone at least for the moment…Could it be? Could it be that this weird nightmare was over. Has the thought of Jack’s massive balls crushing the cat has caused it to run away in sheer fear? Well Jack wasn’t surprised you see…

….His balls were pretty big.

He had won, He had stood his ground against the demon cat called him out and the little fur ball had run between his cotton soft little tail, Ha! Victory. He had caused the monster to cower in fear at the mere thought of facing him “Yeah, that’s right! You better run!” Jack called putting his finger at the vase joyfully “unless you want a little of this KPOW!” Jack said flailing his arm in a silly looking kung-fu stance that would make anyone wet their pants with how NOT scary it is before bouncing on the balls of his feet lightly “I’ll put a move on you! I’ll take you to a meal with Mr and Mrs violence. Oh and what’s that on the menu? Oh, IT’S PAIN. I’m the tower of power too sweet to be sour! Funky like a monkey, space is the place and skies the limit” Jack said sounding like they were having the time of his life.

….That would end soon enough….

Jack knew that sound, how many times have him heard that sound before feeling an abundance of pain? And he sounded happy too. You know why? Because he just caught his pray.

Jack turned totally pale, shaking now. Stuck to the spot with sheer fear his bottom lip shaking just a little as he slowly turned around “Please don’t let it be a cat, please don’t let it be a cat”

[Humphries]

No human could actually be this stupid, surely. No actual human being, no one who could walk and talk and somehow communicate with the rest of the human race could be so dense as to actually be this utterly and magnificently foolish. That would be inexplicable. Cartoon characters acted with more intelligence and decorum.

but, sadly, Jack McCarthy proved to be exactly that.

Humphries actually remained perfectly still, his tail curled around his body. He waited while the human turned, still purring all the while. Then when Jack fully turned, Humphries would wait a beat, then quite purposefully look up at Jack. As soon as he was certain that the human had met his eyes, likely showing all that delicious terror, then Humphries would let out one more of those purr-ridden meows of sheer delight:

"Mrrrreearow," came out of him. Then he flicked his tail a few times, waiting to see yet more reactions.

[Jack McCarthy]

Yes, a man can be that stupid. Yes a man can be this totally and utterly delusional.Yes one who could walk and talk and somehow communicate with the rest of the human race and yes he can be so dense as to actually be this utterly and magnificently foolish. Even to the point where he could potentially out do most of the legions of the cartoon characters out there. In a way you could easily consider many cartoon characters to have more logic in their collective logic then Jack Mccarthy. At least they have sense to avoid smoking cases of TNT dynamic. Jack would probably try and juggle them, just to show he was “Badass” enough to do so. True he would end with every limb flying in every possible but hey it would prove his insane and nonsensical point (If he can actually remember the point he was trying to prove in the first place)

As he turned around he tried to tell himself what he was about to be confronted was anything but a cat. A cat shaped robot perhaps or just a horrible hallucination after Jack’s mind finally snapped (Lets face it. It’s going to happen one day) but no, he was confronted with one large fairly cheery looking cat.

Jack instantly began to tremble in fear his eyes going wide in horrible his eyes locked on those soulless murderous yellow eyes shared by all of hells most prominent and evil demons. Jack’s mouth started to tremble as he began to chock out half sentences making it sound like he was strangled “I…you…Cat…That…Fuck. Right…” Jack stuttered his hands literally flailing his hands trying not to look him right in the eye “Ok…Ok…Ok…Right..Ok. So you’re the cat, I’m Jack …So yeah welcome to school. I guess, listen…Buddy, because we are good buddies right? Maybe we got off on the wrong foot…Or paw so maybe we can stop over, clean slate or whatever. You know what I mean. Hey remember when I told Erika you were a mangy flea bag. That’s a term of endearment. You’re full of fleas…of love and friendship.” Jack said still freaking out just a little one of his hands slowly going down to his throat as if planning to block any incoming attacks. “So yeah. This has been…just the most darling time we really have to do this more often but now I have to get going.Jack Mccarthy man of actions, places to go, people to see…so yeah…just…shoo…scat and so forth

[Humphries]

Amazing how some humans could babble. This was hardly the first time that Humphries had dealt with a ailurophob and all, and he couldn't help but find it amusing each and every time he did so. Particularly for this one, who had something of a record. So Humphries sat patiently, staring up at the human while he prattled on. He waited till Jack finished and seemed to want to go.

Then he let out a loud, drawing meow that rumbled up in his throat. He tilted his head to the side, letting his eyes go wide. Humphries briefly considered moving forward and rubbing himself along the man's legs, but he wasn't entirely sure that Jack wouldn't kick him. that was always the drawback of his small size: the fragility that went with it. Humphries let out another meow and, feeling particularly puckish, swiped at the air with a paw a few times, as if motioning for him to pay him more attention...

or perhaps taking a few practice swings to see how his claws would work.

[Jack McCarthy]

Humpries could rest easy that he was going to get kicked any kicked any time soon. If he rubbed his furry little body against his leg Jack wouldn’t respond. At least for a beat. Then he would run as fast as he could back to his room throw away his clothes and sit in the shower with the water running down his hair as he scrubbed and scrubbed every area he thought that the cat touched (Most likely all the time muttering the phrase; “Unclean, Unclean”) and after several hours of scrubbing and scrubbing. He would gather his clothes in one massive pile (wearing gloves), and lit them on fire.

Jack had more to say, when Jack was in full panic mode he always had more to say. It’s like his mouth was on auto pilot as if he wanted to pass out right there and then from lack of air (In a lot of ways he didn’t. The thing he wanted was to find himself wakng up tied to a tree in the cat’s evil lair with him just sitting on Jack’s chest staring at him before he started ripping Jack’s face off with those claws) but he was silenced by the cat’s meow. Which he treated like a roar of a hungry lion, uttering a strangled yelp backing away suddently. “Ok, ok. Great good. Lovely. You’re…You’re in agreement. So could you just…go? Like”

And out came to the claws….

Jack jumped in the air like a electric shock went through his system: and his claws cut through the air like giant knives (At least in Jack’s mind) “Woah! There’s no need for that! There’s no need or you to bring out the fucking death claws. You may have fooled everyone with your little fluffy tail and fur but I see through you! I know underneath all that bull there lurks a heart of a demon! Demon I say! Get thee behind me Satan” Jack said suddenly his hands fumbling against the celtic cross around his neck and holding it out in front of him as if trying to cast away evil sprits. He kept this pose for a moment before opening his eyes uttering a curse under his breath when finding the cat hasn’t moved and started to pat his pockets down “We can work this out ok? Just don’t do anything crazy” Jack said as he pull out his wallet and empted the contents in front of the cat as if trying to appease it “There’s like 2 dollars in there. Go nuts get a chew toy or something, There’s a shiny button. I’m sure you’ll enjoy that. There’s a phone number of a lovely girl I met a few nights ago…Katy…Or susan, one of those two. We can like dress you up in a suit and hope she’s blind enough not to notce..Oh, also there’s ome condoms, just use them like balloons. Oh, I also know this guy Tim. He HATES cats…”

[Humphries]

More prattling. Humphries wasn't sure whether to look bored or bemused as the boy continued to demonstrate that his mutant power may very well be the ability to talk incessantly about absolutely nothing. No, wait, that was just a trait that all teenagers possessed. You could surely understand Humphries' confusion in the matter though.

At least the air-batting got some attention, even if in the form of more prattling. Humphries looked at the cross as Jack brought it out, staring for several seconds and only half listening as the young man continued talking about things. He turned to Jack and meowed, clearly demonstrating how very unimpressed he happened to be with the showing.

A wallet emptying came next. Humphries watched as the various currency and tidbits rained down before him like some kind of offering before a god. Actually, he certainly liked that, and he stepped forward to sift through. Not really enough money here to be useful, though there was something distracting about the shiny button. A number? Unless said person happened to also have a tendency to shift into a feline, Humphries was disinterested. At worst he would stoop to mounting a regular female cat, if his hormones were up and he had no other recourse. he vastly preferred finding fellow female shifters though, as it felt decidedly more... natural. He patted the condom to the side.

Then, deciding that he might as well, Humphries looked back up at Jack. He let out a meow, then stood, trotting toward the young man. Humphries was still on the lookout for kicks, meant or otherwise, but he figured that closing the distance would do quite a bit to enhance the sheer terror he worked so hard to inflict.

[Jack McCarthy]

Ok, so there. Jack did the sensible thing and gave the terrifying demonic feline a peace offering. To show that he came in peace and there was no need for any horrible clawing to take place in the near future. This is usually how Jack tried to go around things that scared him. Try to use some of that signature Jack charm to make sure people never go near him with malicious intent.

Of course this raised an obvious problem: This might make the cat take a liking to him, and maybe that was even worse. Having the cat following him everywhere he went rubbing up against him purring….He wakes up night and the cat is curled up in a ball on his chest.(Ok Jack, please stop thinking about now. You’re freaking yourself out…) and of course if he tried kicking the bastard away it was claw city so for now Jack was working on general disinterest.That magical place where The cat would never be so inclined to annoy him ever again

EVER.

“Yeah you like that shit don't you? You’re a cat with good solid taste. Were good now right? No hard feelings about me trying to get you fired with the whole trying to get you fired thing.How about you do your thing and I’ll do mine and-“

Nope. Looks like Humperies didn’t want to leave it there as he meowed once more and moved towards Jack, and of course Jack instantly leaped back in fear “Woah Woah, Woah. Ok. Let…Let’s establish some personal rules ok?” Jack said while gesturing to the floor in front of him “Ok, This right here is my here is my zone. My place of being. The Zen zone. No one threads in this domain . Out of respect for Jack’s personal circle of personal space. No cats are allow in my personal bubble

[Humphries]

Humphries purred a little more, unable to hold back his sheer, unbridled joy at having a human so utterly delightful to torment and play with at his whim. Jack did seem to think that his little offering would work to appease Humphries, and the naivete that thought took just amused Humphries all the further. The cat had, of course, already stepped forward.

The boy moved. The cat stopped. He sat down. He looked up at Jack as he spoke, more like prattled, actually. All the boy did was prattle. A zone? Oh, how quaint. And this poor lad just did not have the slightest clue of who he was dealing with. you'd think that the earlier text messages would've been a clue. Speaking of, Humphries wondered if he even had to get close to Jack in order for the comm device in his collar to hack into Jack's phone. Tempting.

No cats allowed. Humphries looked up at Jack. He blinked very slowly. And then he quite purposefully put one paw forward, just the one. Still very much looking directly into Jack's eyes, Humphries stepped forward, putting his weight on the paw, and entering the "zen zone." Well, a quarter of him entered, at any rate.

[Jack McCarthy]

If Humperies was having the time of him, Jack was having the exact opposite of a good time. He was as far away from delighted as one could be. This was not a fun time to be Jack Mccarthy. Seriously what was the deal with this cat? Why didn’t he (Like Jack had some eloquently put it) Fucked the fuck off? Because Jack’s life would instantly would get better if he fucked the fuck off, It would really be just wonderful if he fucked off in a generally fucked way.

He thought giving the cat some money would appease it somehow, as if it could somehow understand the concept of money and condoms (If id did then there would be a influx of the sales plastic mice and milk) But evidently not, Still he seemed to enjoy the shiny button so that was something at least. 
Jack needed to invest in a laser pointer…

“So yeah as long as you stay there and-wait what are you doing?” Jack said tilting his head as the cat looked at him and raised one lone paw in the air.”No,no no. Don’t do that. Bad kitty” Jack said pointing at the cat.

…The paw remained in the air.

“Seriously, put it down I mean it.”

…..Slowly started to lower

“Don’t even think about it”

…And hit the floor.

Jack jaw practically hit the floor in fear as he took a sharp intake of breath and let out a dramatic gasp before rapidly backing away “ Fine you can do one paw in the zen zone but not another! There’s a one paw minimum here. If you’re thinking about doing anymore just remember…I…I I can scream, like super loud and oh…” Jack said taking out his phone and shaking it in front of he. “I can throw this really hard so move!