didn't want her

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

The room felt like it didn't want her. Not simply that it didn't want her there, though that feeling lingered as well. Zoe wasn't sure she wanted to be here either. Just standing upright took so much effort, her body trembling as she fought to remain so. She could feel her slender body shivering almost, despite the relative warmth of the area. Not cool, not warm. Though she still had gloves; she always had gloves, always had sleeves just... it happened.

something about her seemed different, way different--Like even before she opened her mouth. You know, usually Dev is more carefree but she's been really... off lately. Not to say it's anything bad because it isn't...

Zoe could hear the words ringing, see the girl who spoke them. The sexy girl, sexier than Zoe, for sure. Why wouldn't someone like Devyn, someone who longed so much for that, go to someone like her, choose to spend the time in her bed over Zoe's?

she pretty much told me that she loves you, or in love, not too sure just know that the L word was involved

Love... that should've done it, should've pulled them together, or pulled the other two away but...

I really didn't mean to push up on Devyn like that, especially with the whole making out--and it leading to sex and all that stuff. I was on a whole different level but I'm sure she already told you.

And Devyn hadn't told her. Which was why Zoe was standing here now, having sent Devyn those three words in a text:

We need to talk.

She didn't even wait to be let in, simply walked into the dorm common area. Not Devyn's room: they weren't going there. Zoe wouldn't allow that to happen. Devyn would talk to her here. They would---Zoe would---

things would happen.

[Devyn Solway]

Camping for Devyn had been less fun then she had thought it would have been when she signed up for it. She been thinking a lot and hanging out by herself for the most part while camping. She didn't want to bother Zoe but at the same time Zoe had seemed so busy with making new friends that Devyn didn't want to get in the way. She was figuring things out, so she was pretty sure that it was a combination of Zoe avoiding her and Devyn being deep in thought. Really it could have been a number of things with Devyn to just stuck in her thoughts to really know what was going on. The only that could be said for sure was that Devyn and Zoe didn't get to spend any time together camping. Devyn had plans, showing Zoe how to trap a rabbit and even catch a fish but none of that got to happen. Nope, camp was spent apart which was odd for those who were supposed to be going out with one another.

Even when they left, they didn't even end up on the same bus together. Zoe ended up on a different bus and Devyn ended up getting a text from one of her friends saying that something was wrong with Zoe. That Zoe was in fact crying. So the question was what was wrong with Zoe and why did she not seek out Devyn for it? Well, the last question was no big surprised since Zoe never sought out Devyn when she was being bullied or anything, so it must have been one of those things. She figured to stop by to visit Zoe when they got back to school and dropped off her stuff in the room. She would have confronted Zoe on the bus but didn’t want to make a scene in front of others. She recalled how Zoe reacted when they were at the fair when she did that, and she did not want a repeat of it. So she headed back to her room and started to unpack as she for the text from Zoe.

We need to talk.

Those words were never good in the history of dating someone, either on TV or in real life. Devyn was already feeling some worry but was more so hoping that Zoe was just going to come and tell her what was bothering her. Finally Zoe was going to start talking to her and Devyn could work on getting better at being Zoe's girlfriend. There was a knock and Devyn moved to let her in, not even getting a smile or a greeting with Zoe just walking right into the room. Okay... Devyn thought to herself as she closed the door behind her and started to move toward her bedroom but Zoe stopped in the common area. "You said, you wanted to talk right? Want anything to drink?" Devyn asked as she gestured at the common area fridge and also the mini fridge that she had in her bedroom.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Zoe did pause, didn't budge as Devyn turned to her. Though just looking at Devyn brought tears to Zoe's eyes already. She remembered so much, so very, very much, but Devyn had... assuming what Zoe had been told was true then Devyn had... she'd betrayed it all. Zoe took a deep breath, forcing herself to meet Devyn's eyes.

"no, thank you," she said, shaking her head. She reached down to rub he arm, fidgeting again. "And I'd like to stay here," she fidgeted again. Devyn was going to ask what was wrong soon, Zoe knew that much. She should just come out with it. Say it, get it out there, get it over with. Zoe trembled though, feeling like she already knew what was coming. The world already felt a little smaller, a little darker.

Zoe swallowed.

"I--talked with... with Vera," she said, looking up at Devyn. She paused then. Let Devyn fill in the blanks, say what she could. Zoe wanted to hear it, felt like she deserved to. The only question she had now was: would Devyn actually say anything?

[Devyn Solway]

Zoe was not moving, just standing firmly in place and Devyn could already see the water welling up in Zoe's eyes. Right, Devyn had gotten the text that Zoe had been crying on the bus ride back. She could faintly smell the scent of tears on Zoe; the saltiness of them, she could see Zoe's eyes were still red and puffy. Devyn instinctively moved to be closer to Zoe, to try and reach out to wipe at Zoe's eyes to keep away any more tears from falling out of them. "Okay..." Devyn responded back to Zoe's words of a no thank you to a drink and that she wanted to stay out in the common area for a talk. Devyn didn't understand why she wants to stay out here if they were having a talk. Talks were normally something you did in private and well Zoe did freak last time Devyn tried to talk in public. Still, if Zoe wanted to talk out here then they could talk out here.

Devyn even gestured towards the couch so they could sit, but she didn't move to touch Zoe to try and get her to move like she normally did. Zoe seemed like she was fine being firmly rooted right where she was standing. She was about to ask what was wrong with Zoe, why had they not rode on the bus together, and also that she wanted to talk to Zoe too. To tell her what she figured out and just hope for the best, but Zoe swallowed and then stuttered out words. Words about how she talked to Vera, and it not really clicking right away. Devyn's green eyes looked confused, wondering what talking to Vera would do to make Zoe upset. Vera was a tough girl but she would not go out of her way to bully Zoe and Vera also knew about Devyn's feelings for Zoe so...was that it? If that were the case, why would Zoe would be crying if Vera told Zoe what Devyn had told her? That was a bad sign right, so there had to be something else.

Devyn was clearly working through it, scratching at her head and rubbing at her father's ring while she thought. "Was she mean to you or something? Vera is not really like that but if she was mean to you I'll have a talk to her unless..." Devyn's voice trailed off, scratching her head still. Okay, talked with Vera. Cried on the bus. You can figure this out. It can't be that Vera told you that you love Zoe because then Zoe should have been happy soo... Devyn's mind wondered and then she went still for a moment when she think she figured it out. "Did she say...that we slept together? If she did...well that is true, but it was only once and you agreed to an open relationship so...that’s not why you are upset are you?" Devyn asked as she looked at Zoe, still confused and trying to work it out. Yeah, she slept with Vera, but was that something that big of a deal when they were in an open relationship?

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Zoe moved out of Devyn's range when the other girl moved to touch her. It was almost instinctive, as she so often jerked away from people. Now though, now she wanted to be away from Devyn in particular. No more touches, no more sweet words. Not now.

Zoe had been hoping that Devyn would put things together. That she'd realize what it was and that Zoe wouldn't have to actually say anything. The trembling Brit watched as Devyn worked through it, pulling her hair, tugging, the emotional stress evident on every bit of the girl's muscular body. Devyn got to it toward the end, and Zoe's eyes started watering. Slept, just tossing it aside like it meant nothing. Zoe felt the sob shake her for a moment. She had to go forward, had to say something more, had to explain.

"When!?" she said, the word wrenching out of her, drenched in sob and twisted into something near inhuman. "When did you sleep with her Devyn?" Because Zoe wanted... needed to hear it straight from Devyn. She turned those moist brown eyes on her girlfriend, begging for an answer, begging for the truth.

[Devyn Solway]

It always hurt whenever Zoe would move away when Devyn moved closer to her, it hurt when anyone did that. Even if Zoe did do it from time to time out of nature habit of that more the likely lingering fear of being touched, it still hurt. It was a form of rejection after all, when one wanted to go close to comfort you, but you moved away for personal space. Devyn would not say anything about it since she understood some people did not like to be touched when they were upset, but that was not Zoe. Not normally. Normally Zoe would practically crawl into Devyn's arms and burrow herself into Devyn when she was upset or feeling embarrassed. So she clearly is upset with me. Devyn thought to herself not really seeing was the big deal. This was not how Devyn wanted the return from camp to go. She had planned so much, done so much and this was not at all what she had planned.

It took a moment but Devyn worked thought it, she could work through things. She just had to actually take the time to think on them and see things from someone else eyes. Sleeping with someone was something that was not that big of a deal for Devyn, since it was something that just sort of happened for her. It was not something she over thought on, if someone started something she would end it. That was all there was to it, at least that was all there had been to it for the longest amount of time. Zoe's eyes were watering again and Devyn could see her shaking, really not understanding why Zoe was upset with her for sleeping with Vera. Unless...did Zoe have a crush on Vera and Devyn messed up her chances of being able to sleep with her? No, that could not have been it. That was not like Zoe.

Devyn actually jumped a little at the 'when' not used to Zoe speaking that loud before, but the crying was not anything really knew. Why did Zoe want to know when? Great, now I have to start keeping track when I have sex with someone? Devyn thought as she searched her mind for when that was. "A little while ago...umm...like in the early AMs...on uh...prom. Early AMs after prom...I think." Devyn said, with head scratching as she tried to recall the date and time. "It just kind of happened Zoe. Most of them do really, not like I called her up and asked for it if that is what you might be upset about." Devyn informed Zoe and that was her being honest about it all. She never really planned to have sex with someone, it just happened and more often than not she was the one doing the pleasing instead of being pleased...so it was less bad?

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Zoe felt her world shatter. She heard the glass breaking as everything just fell into tiny little pieces, tinkling as they hit the floor, even knocking into one another. Up became down and none of the directions mattered much any more. Early AM.... after prom... happened, just happened. Just happened.

Just happened.
Just happened?

When had Zoe started crying? It must have "just happened," because Zoe couldn't remember doing so. The shaking must have "just happened." Or had their whole relationship "just happened?" Was that how it worked for Devyn? Things "just happened?" Prom "just happened." The relationship "just happened." She "just happened" to sleep with someone on the same night she "just happened" to have made a promise to Zoe.

Zoe's legs "just happened" to give out, and she collapsed on the ground looking down, almost like a doll whose strings had been cut. She took several deep shuddering breaths, closing her eyes. She should've known this would "just happen." Hadn't all the signs been there? Hadn't she noticed that Devyn "just happened" to have been different lately? Hadn't Devyn always seemed to not care and let things "just happen?" Zoe should've known. She had, hadn't she? Nothing in her life could be good or nice or anything.

It all "just happened."

[Devyn Solway]

Devyn really didn't understand just how much her words were having an effect on Zoe, she could only guess. Guess based upon how Zoe started to react when she told her what she had asked to know. What had she done wrong? She could understand if Zoe was upset if Devyn had called Vera up and asked to sleep with the other girl, but she didn't. She didn't stay with Vera the whole time, things had just happened, but in the end she went back to Zoe. Back to Zoe and came to a realization that she had been working through all this time since then. Thinking on it, working through it, and even talked about it to a few people. Devyn, talking to people on relationship advice. she didn't do that, that was not like Devyn but she needed the help. She hated to admit it, but it was not something that she could have worked through alone, and she got helped to work through it.

Now that she had thought she figured it all out, things seemed to be crumbling, especially for Zoe who started to cry. Devyn hesitantly moving to be closer to the girl that she hated to see cry. Zoe not even saying anything as she seemed to just break down more. Still crying and falling to the ground, her small form shaking and it just hurt Devyn to see that. She wanted to protect Zoe, to see her smile, and to make the pain stop. She wanted to stop hurting Zoe and stop others from hurting the older girl, but it seemed like she could not do that no matter how hard she tired. "Zoe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I promise." Devyn said, speaking as calmly as she could as she moved to be closer to Zoe, lowering down to her knees to be on the same level as Zoe. "If I know that you wanted to know who I was messing around with I would have told you, but I didn't think you cared to know. That’s not really something you tell your girlfriend, even if it’s an open relationship." Devyn said as she scratched her head a moment.

Then reaching out to put her arms around the girl so she could try and pull Zoe in close to her. Hug her, keep her close, and try to push whatever pain Zoe was having away. "I have not had sex with anyone since then. I have only kissed and touched you. I ended the relationships of those who just would call me up for sex, and I have not even...like pleased myself. I was going to ask if you would be cool with a closed relationship even..." Devyn admitted, figuring if Zoe was not going to talk or say anything then she should. Try and explain it all and change Zoe's mood. Zoe would be happy to hear that right? That Devyn was trying to be just for Zoe, that she stopped fooling around. She still flirted but that was it.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

The words sort of hovered around Zoe without actually connecting, floating about like some sort of strange bird or insect. She could almost feel them there, before they flared out. It "just happened" that way, she supposed. How did Devyn not seem to see that this was a big deal?

Then Devyn reached for her, and Zoe jerked. She didn't just flinch, she outright flailed. her arms went up and she pushed hard against Devyn, pulling back and away. She didn't even care about the hovering buzzes that came out of her next. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" she actually shouted, her voice raw, each word lathered with emotion. "Don't you dare touch me!"

She scurried back and actually yanked the gloves off, her brown eyes looking up at Devyn, wild for several seconds. She didn't care what had said. Something "just happened" to have risen up. That something could not "just happen" to be ignored. No matter how much Devyn might thing. Zoe could feel hot tears running rivers down her body, feel herself shake.

Wasn't she supposed to be stronger? Hadn't she fought off SPECTRE soldiers by herself? Helped get out of a hole? didn't she have people, friends, who supported her? Didn't she make the world brighter for them? Why did all that feel as though it had been sucked into a giant, black void?

"You lost the right to touch me when you let something 'just happen,'" mumbled Zoe, curling in on herself.

[Devyn Solway]

Another yell left Zoe's lips, this one being even louder that it actually scared Devyn a little. A quick flash of her mother yelling at her and then pain following, but pain always followed after some female yelled at her. It didn't have to be her mother, if it was a female and they yelled at her, she was going to feel pain. Zoe didn't outright slap her but she might as well have. Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe actually shoved Devyn away; something that Devyn didn't even think was possible. Zoe was not a fighter; she didn't really shove people away. If anything Zoe tended to curl up or try and move away from what she didn't want near her. Since she was sitting on her knees she did actually fall back a little, landing on her butt but still not too far away from Zoe. At least she was not that far until Zoe pulled back and away from her with words that cut deep.

There was practically a threat there, with Zoe throwing in that 'don't you dare' touch me. Devyn's mouth opening to say something but just hung open as the words did pretty much become a threat. Zoe removed her gloves and actually gave Devyn a look as if she would actually do something if Devyn tried something. The actual hell... Devyn thought to herself as she just sort of sat there for a moment looking at Zoe. Her heart beating faster and just the confusion rising up that Zoe was this upset that she would actually hurt her? Why was Devyn tempted to see if Zoe really would? "Zoe, come on. You would not hurt me on purpose." Devyn said with her words coming out as if she only half believed them. Yeah, its Zoe. She wouldn't...no. Devyn thought to herself, having a small inner conflict over it. Zoe was the only one who would never outright hurt her, Zoe was different.

"Please, just...talk to me." Devyn almost pleaded, not moving to touch Zoe because she understood that again some people needed their space when they were upset and while before Zoe seemed to like being close, she was just so pissed off at Devyn that keeping her distance probably would have been smart. Devyn still at least moved to try and be closer to Zoe but didn't try to touch her. Zoe's next words just really throwing Devyn for a loop and she could feel her emotions starting to flare as she tried to remain calm. "That...that does not even make any sense. I've slept with other people while we were going out and you never asked. Never cared before. They all just happened. Things do actually just happen Zoe, you don't...at least I don't really think when things start heating up. I just...is it because it was with Vera? Did you like her?" Devyn asked, not getting why Zoe was so upset, so hurt, and so angry by this.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Would Zoe hurt Devyn on purpose? She'd pulled off her gloves, shouted that she might. But would she...? No, no, even Zoe had to admit that she wouldn't.... possibly couldn't. All this didn't change essentially things, like that she still felt something for... toward Devyn. It had just been tainted, soaked in something else, something that made it poisonous?

Talk... didn't make sense? How did Devyn not understand? Did she forget? The forgetting hurt almost as bad as what Devyn had done because of it. To forget that, to forget that Zoe had asked for the one thing. Just one night, one night to be the princess to her prince. Just one night to know that she was the only one. Devyn hadn't even been able to give her that.

"Like... no, I ----" Zoe shook her head, not even believing that Devyn went there. Zoe told her girlfriend about nearly every relationship she had, certainly all the important ones. Devyn knew about Shiloh, knew about Mae, knew about Cole, knew about Becky, knew about Liz, knew about Mr. Konrad, knew about Dr. Campbell... though not all of it. How could...

Did Devyn even know her? Zoe shook her head. "I can't," she said. she pushed herself back, curling up, pulling her bared hands about her body protectively. She sobbed. Devyn didn't get it. She didn't understand; how could she have forgotten?

She probably didn't understand what this meant either, what it meant for their future...

that there wouldn't be a their future. Not any more.

[Devyn Solway]

Devyn didn't understand, and she was trying so hard to figure it out. To put the pieces together to see why Zoe was upset with her. It just didn't make sense, she didn't understand, and it was just hurting. Hurting to have tried so hard to get to this point and now she apparently did something that had hurt Zoe on the level that Zoe shoved her away. That Zoe actually threated her, even if Devyn doubted Zoe would actually hurt by the words and action had already been done. What did I do? Come on remember. Devyn told herself as a hand went into her hair and she gave it a tug, trying to still keep emotionally stable and make her brain work through it. She had not been drunk that night but even she didn't remember details about everything. Had it bene because it was on the couch while Zoe was sleeping on her bed?

Zoe had not awakened and Devyn doubted Vera would tell all the details of everything that even Devyn could not remember. Yes she enjoyed it, it was hot, it was intense, and there was that whole sexual tension that was there but it really was just something that happened. Devyn was not in love with Vera, they were just really good friends, and there was just that sexual tension. Devyn loved Zoe, there was that physical and emotional desire she wanted from Zoe, there was more for Zoe then there was for Vera. That was a good thing right? What was she messing up? Zoe said no, so it was not that she had feelings for Vera so Devyn was back to thinking on it. Yes she knew about Zoe's friends but Zoe could have had a crush on someone she was not friends with, one of those people from a distance that she just wanted to kiss but never was brave enough to go over and do anything about it.

Zoe said she couldn't and curled up, arms going around herself protectively and she seemed to just go further into her shutting down mode. "Zoe...I'm trying..." Devyn spoke softly; the hurt was clear on her words as it almost came out as a whimper. Devyn taking a risk and moving carefully to get closer again to Zoe, this time moving to try and hug Zoe from behind to better hug her in what Devyn personally felt was a protective position. "I know I'm a screw up Zoe and I'm sorry. I just...give me another chance. Let me make it up to you...let me try, please." Devyn was begging now her eyes watering in more so frustration and not getting what she did that was so bad, as she still thought on it. It was just something that happened, early morning; prom night...was that it?

Was it because it was on prom, well the day after prom since it was in the early AMs...it was a big deal to her...and me in a way. Devyn thought to herself as she started to think on it a little more, unsure.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Trying... Zoe could see that, feel that; it made the whole thing that much harder. Devyn tried; didn't seem to realize that she'd done wrong. But... how, how could she not see it? It blazed between them so fiercely that Zoe couldn't even bear to look at it, yet Devyn barely seemed to notice.

The usual apologies came tumbling, bits that Zoe had heard before. Screw up; make it up, try... Zoe shook her head. Even as she did, the normal yes formed in her mind. Formed, but found itself quickly surrounded, bludgeoned into submission by the overwhelming sadness that came with it.

"You can't undo this, Devyn," said Zoe in that warbling voice. She closed her eyes, pinching tears out, feeling the hot liquid running down her cheeks. She took a deep breath, opening those eyes, turning them to look up at Devyn. "Can't you see that? This hurts too deep, Devyn. I can't---I can't trust you and---what you did I---I don't know if I can for--for--"

She nearly hiccuped. The word felt so foreign to her it might as well have been in another tongue. When had Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe ever not been one to forgive? People went around constantly telling her to stop apologizing.

Now it felt almost too easy to keep those words back.

[Devyn Solway]

Devyn was trying her best, thinking on it, and trying to figure out what it was that she had done so wrong. Now that she though more about the whole 'it being on prom' thing she figured that she was slowly getting it but was that all really fair? It technically happened past prom and people had been pissed off of her for far worse reasons. It was not as if she cheated on Zoe, they were in an open relationship at the time and they still were even if Devyn had planned on asking Zoe if they could just be the two of them. If she had done any of it in front of Zoe then maybe she could understand, but she had never actually done anything in front of Zoe. Sure there was that time she had to deal with Zoe finding that number on her but she at least didn't flirt in front of Zoe. She didn't do that, she was not that kind of person but she felt like Zoe was treating the matter as if she had done just that.

Zoe shook her head, basically silently telling Devyn that her apologies and her wanting to try and do better meant nothing. Zoe was not outright saying that, but that was how Devyn was taking it. Having to just move away from Zoe for a moment to keep herself calmed as she was feeling just so angry and hurt that Zoe was being like this to her. Her stupid ankle hurt and that was probably the only reason why Devyn was not pacing around the room and kept sticking to sitting on the ground, looking at Zoe with a mix of disbelief, anger, and confusion. "I know I can't. I can't undo anything that I do. All I can do is ask for another chance." Devyn responded back her voice rising in volume a little as she took a deep and shaky breath to keep herself calm. What did Zoe mean that she could not trust her, that this hurt too deep? Devyn thought love was supposed to be what helped you get through the hard times.

"You kissed someone at prom. Right in front of me, on prom. Yet I didn't act like this towards you." Devyn pointed out if Zoe was really going to be upset with her for doing such a thing on prom. Sure Devyn was not fully sure if Zoe's lips actually made contact, but she did not forget that Zoe had moved to kiss someone while they were at prom and she was standing right there. That was like worse then what Devyn did on some level, right? Devyn started to shake her head no as Zoe's words seemed to struggle to say something. Probably something about not being able to forgive Devyn and that just seemed so unfair to her. "You said that you loved me. That you wanted me to be your first and yet I mess up and you are so upset with me." Devyn said as she clinched her hands to keep herself from shaking.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Zoe looked, waiting, wondering if maybe she should give Devyn another chance. Hadn't she given so many chances before? Was this the final straw? Or did Devyn deserve one chance more? Was that was love was about... giving someone chances to stomp on your heart over and over?

Yes.... but not like this. This was...

Devyn hadn't stopped, her words plowing through Zoe's scattered, feeble thoughts. Kissed someone... and Zoe stared, not quite believing. Devyn surely couldn't be serious. She couldn't be comparing Zoe's drunken half attempts at kissing someone to her full decision to sleep with someone, to break a promise, to prove that she couldn't be trusted. "That's not the same at all!" said Zoe, her voice rising, her body trembling for a whole new reason: a very unfamiliar emotion starting to bubble up within the normally shy poet. "A kiss is most certainly not the same thing as making love to someone," and yes, Zoe saw it as precisely that. Devyn knew she did; knew she always had. Zoe shook her head at the next comment.

"Don't you see, Devyn? You broke my trust. I asked for one night, Devyn! Just one night!" she croaked the last words, twisting them into a wretched sob as loud as a scream. "That's wall I wanted! I wanted to be yours like you're mine in my heart for one night! But you couldn't do that! You betrayed me, Devyn. You---you---" she shook, first in general, then her head. "We're done. I can't--- I can't be with someone who--- who--"