Any Dream or its Revelation

[Ellis Vaccari]

Set in 2011

Ellis was rarely one to genuinely react to something in an outlandish way. Being so expressive didn't suit her. It never had, and she doubted it ever would.

But there, with her hand in Sam's and a ring between her fingers, Ellis wore wide eyes. Her jaw dropped, as if she had every intention of pressing the subject further. Of continuously asking why until she understood.

It wasn't an engagement ring. At least, it wasn't worded as such. But the Boston woman was explaining her intention to wear something so she could express her commitment to other people. She wanted people to well and truly know that she belonged to the blonde above and in spite of everyone in the world, no matter who they were. No matter what happened.

So if it wasn't an engagement, then what was it? And why did it sound so.

There was a sentimentality to be swept into, she knew. That someone would even want to give her everything, distant and impossible as such a statement was. It wasn't simply a legal thing. It was a big decision.

One she wasn't part of.

"I still don't understand." She said honestly, confusion settling clear in her dark eyes as she looked towards her face again. "You're giving yourself a-" She lost her words. Lost her nerve. She wasn't sure how to finish such a sentence. She didn't think she could.

[Samantha Vaccari]

Really, this had gone better in her head.

Sam offered a light laugh. A mixture of emotions ran through her veins, the biggest of which being nervousness, which was evident in the way she smiled at Ellis. The officer was rarely nervous, and for her to show it was even less common. However, it wasn’t every day she pulled a stunt such as this this.

Her thumb brushed over the thin gold band, and then over her counterpart’s own thumb lightly. The brunette was frustrated; not with Ellis for not understanding, but rather with herself for not being able to explain enough to understand.

And worst of all, her expression wasn’t exactly encouraging. Sam hadn’t been sure what to expect when she bought the ring, but she was well aware that it wasn’t this.

Sam glanced back down at the object in question, the corner of her mouth pulling upward more as she let out a quick exhale. “I mean, it’s not just because of other people.” She tried, her tongue running across the line of her lower lip briefly, “I want to wear it.” She paused, fairly certain that point had already been made evident, but this conversation wasn’t going as planned, and the way her counterpart had cut herself off only made her more nervous. “I wanted to get you one, but—“ She took a chance and glanced at the blonde, “I didn’t know what size you wore, or what kind you might like.” Sam continued with the excuses before taking in another breath, “Or if you wanted one.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis felt caught. A what, she couldn't say. She didn't know. She hated leaving her own sentences so unanswered; it irked her more now than it usually did.

Her eyes settled to the gold band again. To the way she so delicately ran her thumb across it as she did the blonde's hand. It was clear how much she cared for this idea; how important it was. It forced Ellis to wish she was more normal - that she might be able to settle on the idea and not ask so many questions or find it so jarring. Normal people would be ecstatic about such commitment.

There was little comfort to be found in Sam's response. That it wasn't just for other people. So of course, part of it was.

Then her eyes widened further, eyebrows quickly lowering in a rare threat of distress. She tried so incredibly intently to suppress the overbearing questions that formed in her mind. To be thought of and then not was difficult. To have someone assume something of her feelings was worse.

"Why did you think I wouldn't want to be part of something like this?"

[Samantha Vaccari]

Sam felt the urge to wince at her own statement. She knew it didn’t come out right; the Boston woman was never great with words, but she rarely struggled this much when it came to communicating with the one she loved. It was frustrating to fail when it came to such an important moment.

The sudden distress Ellis wore hadn’t gone unnoticed either. The slight jump in her pulse could be seen at her neck just as easily as the widening of her dark eyes. Sam’s own eyes widened in a stint of panic, and she parted her lips, already about to try to correct herself.

But she beat the officer to it.

An ache of tension ran through Sam’s jaw as she took in a quick breath. “No, I—“ She faltered, squeezing her eyes shut tightly in a moment to try and get it right. “I didn’t say I thought you wouldn’t want to be a part of something like this.” She replied, opening her eyes and looking back at Ellis, desperation lining her features. “Just—“Another falter, and she cursed herself for such, “I was nervous, and I didn't know if you wanted a ring. The physical object, I never said you don't want what it means."

[Ellis Vaccari]

Immediately after the question left her mouth, Ellis felt a sliver of regret. She knew she shouldn't have said anything even remotely connected to that. Rather, she should have allowed a relative stint of logic to dismantle the question before it fell. Before it evidently hit her counterpart with such physical force.

She squeezed her hand on instinct, well aware that she was the cause of Sam's evident tension.

Because really, she felt the strain the Boston woman was riddled with. She saw how it rattled the usual confidence in her demeanour. But it wasn't that easy; not when it came to this. She couldn't let this go without understanding the process behind it. Because she was almost positive there was an expression of doubt coming from her love.

Ellis sank her teeth into her bottom lip. She wanted to question further, but the one she held felt so scorchingly wrong she hoped it'd subside on its own.

"Why didn't you ask me?" She offered instead, safe as it seemed.

Until it wasn't, and the blonde threatened to draw her hand back completely at a sudden realisation; "What did I do to make you feel so uncertain?"

[Samantha Vaccari]

Sam knew that Ellis wouldn’t let such a subject go so easily, and despite how difficult it was, the Boston woman would rather have had it this way than any other way. Because that’s just how she was. There was nothing she would change about how Ellis was, or how she handled situations. Sam just wished she herself knew how to handle this.

The brunette lightly squeezed her counterpart’s hand in response to the pressure on her own. She held onto it like a lifeline; the fear of her letting go starting to creep into the back of her mind. Sam messed up, and she was acutely aware of it now. So why hadn’t she thought of that hours ago in the store?

The tension Sam carried only grew at the question posed; it was one she didn’t have a proper answer for. A logical answer for a logical person.

Her eyes widened, and she squeezed Ellis’s hand at the first sign of movement, holding it in place within her own. She couldn’t let the blonde go, but when she felt her hand begin to pull away, the little confidence Sam still carried felt shot.

“I…don’t know.” She glanced down, struggling to maintain eye contact.

[Ellis Vaccari]

The physical response Sam gave to the initial question Ellis asked was more than enough. At least, it would be for most. But for a woman who craved answers like lifelines, it was nothing but disconnecting.

After a moment, Ellis stopped the way she tried to pull away. In honesty, she couldn't handle the expression given to her in that moment. The way this woman so desperately wanted to hold onto her.

But the moment she did offer a verbal answer, Ellis wished she had the strength to at least deny her of that one thing. She wished for her hand back.

Because it wasn't a no, and when it wasn't a no, it was almost always a yes.

Raising her free arm, she curled her fingers into the back of her counterpart's hair as she leaned forward, pressing her lips to the top of her head. There, she lingered for a spare second or so before releasing the tension in her mouth.

"I'm sorry," She replied, squeezing her eyes shut tightly, "That I don't know how else to express how much I love you."

[Samantha Vaccari]

“It’s not that!” Sam shot back quickly, unaware of just how much she raised her tone in her response. “Don’t think I question that.” It took years for the Boston woman to realize just how much Ellis did love her, and even then it had little to do with how she acted.

“I’m not good at this!” She pulled away, but still held onto that hand as a proverbial heavy rope, completely unaware of the fact that Ellis wished for her hand back. Her gaze shot up again, the distress working into her jaw as she dropped it, trying to force the right response to come out.

“I’m not doubting you, I’m really not.” She felt her hands begin to shake with the frustration building up in her chest and spreading to her fingertips. “I don’t know why I didn’t ask you, but I know it’s not because I doubt you.”

And finally, she let go of the lifeline.

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis knew after the fact that she should have expected an outburst. She knew Sam took issue with the seemingly self-depreciative way the blonde spoke about herself, but the difference fell in a view point. Seemingly, as it was. But it wasn't.

She still held her counterpart's hand, but piecing together her disjointed phrasing was practically impossible.

So she felt the pressure rise in her chest and fall to her shoulders when she continued on. None of it was practical information. There was something missing, but anxiety was a forceful block. A blinder. It made things difficult.

When Sam let her hand go, Ellis stared at her now empty palm for a spare moment or two.

Right.

She wrapped her arms around herself on instinct, dropping her head and allowing her bright locks to hang at either side of her face.

Ellis stared down for another moment before closing her eyes. It'd only been seconds, but now her hands were empty. Her vision no longer obscured. Senses empty.

"Are you leaving?" She asked, trying to keep her tone unscathed by the detatchment. To no avail.

[Samantha Vaccari]

The moment Sam let go of her counterpart’s hand, she regretted making the decision to do so. Without the contact, the young officer was lost. She desperately wished back for the contact she herself severed, but as Ellis wrapped her arms around herself, Sam felt as if she lost the opportunity to do so. Her own hands formed into fists, palms aching as her nails dug into them.

As she stared at Ellis, she realized how much she wished she could see the face partially hidden by her blonde hair. She sucked in a breath, forcing air to her lungs when she caught how desperately she needed it.

“No, I’m not fucking leaving.” Sam raised her fist, slamming the side of it down on the counter. The impact causing countertop items to shake briefly, and despite the residual pain from it, she kept her hand pressed to it forcefully. Anything to try and find the stability she lost. “Stop assuming I’m going to!”

Had she not been so angry, Sam would have realized that she answered her love’s questions. She was too caught up in the question asked. The Boston woman wasn’t sure if she was more upset by the question or the tone that lined it.

“I never want to leave you!” She continued forcefully, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and if I could make that legal I damn well would.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis held herself so tightly her nails threatened go puncture her ribs despite the clothes she wore when Sam answered her. She quelled the urge to ask why she let go if she had no intention of follow through with what it seemed to mean.

She flinched at the sound of Sam hitting the countertop, but she didn't look. She felt the way her palms practically ached with the desire to search for her again. To soothe the anger she'd seemingly forced on her.

But she clenched her jaw at the very notion that she was assuming.

And despite the honeyed idea that Samantha Frye wanted to marry her, it wasn't enough yo settle her mentality. Not after that.

"You stop." She said, her tone quiet despite the conviction. "Don't you assume that I don't want that life with you!" Finally, she glanced up towards her again, forcing herself to let go of herself as she pressed her palms together. As she felt the way her hands shook, and how she wore distress from the act. "And don't take this kind of step without be because you can't ask me to take it with you!"

[Samantha Vaccari]

Ellis’s words very well made Sam stop. The blonde was quite easily the only person to have such an effect over Samantha Frye. She never stopped, not unless she requested it. Dark eyes kept focused on the blonde as she clenched her jaw, dropping into silence.

But her eyes widened slightly as she caught the shake of Ellis’s hands. How she pressed them together. Although the blonde spoke quietly, Sam didn’t miss the type of tone she took. The ache of her hand dissolved to nothing when Ellis looked at her the way she did.

Sam was an angry person by nature, and despite how much she hated it, she was also aware of it. Ellis, however, carried much less anger than the officer did. She was the calming force in their relationship.

And now she wasn’t. Not in that moment.

Sam knew well enough that when Ellis Vaccari was angry she was, quite literally, dangerous. That fact brought Sam to push herself from the counter and unfurl her hands. She stepped forward, pressing her palms to the back of Ellis’s hands, offering light pressure to them.

“Is it too late to ask?” She couldn’t shake the frustration from her tone despite how much she tried to do so. She took in a short breath, glancing down to their hands. “I’ll return it.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Intently focused on her hands, Ellis tried her best to calm the overbearing sense that she'd done something wrong. But it was difficult; despite everything Sam had said, it didn't make sense. The fact that she was cut from the equation should have had everything to do with her. Something she'd done or hadn't done. Said or hadn't said.

She glanced back up when she felt familiar hands press against her own, though for the first moment she struggled against them.

It didn't work on people, she reminded herself.

It was so like the woman she loved to offer every means she could to fix this. She took a breath, both to calm herself and to give herself time.

"If this is how you're asking me to marry you, then no." Ellis replied, "I don't want to be factored in as an afterthought in a moment, Sam." Slowly, she intertwined her fingers together, squeezing her own hands with force, "I love you. More than anything. But I don't want this like this."

[Samantha Vaccari]

“I’m not asking you to marry me.” Sam forced herself to take another breath. She pressed her lips together briefly, “I can’t, because we can’t.” She knew Ellis would marry her, the blonde had even offered to take her name when they could be bound by law, but as it stood they couldn’t, and because of that, Sam wasn’t going to ask for it.

“I want to show you how much I love you.” She tried again, slowly, she tried to ease her counterpart’s hands upward within her own. Sam squeezed her dark eyes shut, letting go of the one sense she had to her advantage.

“You’re never an afterthought.” She felt the slight shake of her own hands build up again, and her shoulders tensed as she tried to control it. “I did it with you in mind. I'm—“ sorry. She faltered, and physically cringed as she did. "I should have asked."

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis felt the sudden need to argue that while they couldn't get married, there was nothing legally binding about being engaged. She felt th urge to argue that she'd so happily wear it if that's what it meant. If that's what she wanted too. But as the Boston woman continued, Ellis swallowed the thought.

She spoke with enough conviction to express to the blonde that it wasn't something she wanted if she couldn't have it all.

She also realised she couldn't argue that she knew how much Sam loved her, because she might have been wrong. Assuming - either way - was something Ellis knew by now she likely shouldn't do.

Twisting her hands, she moved to interlock her fingers with her counterpart's. And she squeezed her hands once.

"I want you to know how much I love you." She replied. "If that's what it's for, I want one too."