Addle With Madness

[Samantha Vaccari]

They stepped through the door, the autumn air hitting Sam's face like a brick wall. She said too much. Crossed a line. She shouldn't have said anything, let alone that. But she didn't carry an ounce of regret.

Just anger.

Even as she squeezed the that took hers as they walked away, she couldn't rid of the slight tremble. She hated this. Being this angry. Most of all, being this angry in front of her.

She inhaled sharply, finally letting her fingers slide out of her counterpart's as they reached the car. As she headed for the driver's side, she remained completely silent, her dark eyes refusing to meet those of her counterpart's.

[Ellis Vaccari]

Distant. Different. Somewhere amidst the two, Ellis found herself at a cross. She stayed silent as she walked, not bothering to look back at what was left behind. Because it felt different, and she felt distant. Periodically, the blonde needed time to process, and she wasn't being given the usual time to equate what this meant. What that meant. Why she said what she said, and how she even really found the means to do so.


Ellis mightn't have understood verbal barriers the way most others did, but she knew when lines were crossed and situations were blurred. It wouldn't have been important were it not for the fact that it was her mother, and she was - realistically - supposed to care intently.

But Sam didn't speak to her, nor would she look at her, so Ellis responded accordingly. She regrettably allowed the familiar hand to slip from her own, trying not to seem to struck by it because she knew they had to leave. She was aware of that, but she was also made uncomfortable by it. These were the types of issues they tackled in the now, not later. She preferred to calm the Boston woman, not let her settle in her anger until it grew.

So rather than moving to the passenger's side, Ellis followed Sam with every step she took. She pressed her hand against the door. Though she didn't have as much strength as her counterpart, it within itself made her point for her.

"Should I wait?" She asked, reaching out with her free hand to rest it against her cheek.

[Samantha Vaccari]

With her eyes cast downward, Sam hadn't seen her counterpart follow. Instead she focused on the pavement beneath her feet, or rather. It was only when Ellis placed her hand on the door, preventing Sam from opening it, did she finally look at the blonde.

Even then, it wasn't for long. Her eyes quickly shifted towards the house they just walked from. Try as she might, the brunette couldn't help but force her tension into her jaw.

She knew from the simple move her counterpart made that she had to talk. Never did she become distant on purpose, but the Boston woman had no other way to handle the situation. She knew it was best to take it on now rather than let it continue to sit in Sam's mind. And she was right.

And she also knew how to make the brunette relax. Sam instinctively leaned into her counterpart's hand, feeling her features soften just slightly. It was still bad, but Ellis still made it better. “I'm sorry.” She breathed, pressing her lips into a hard line. “I mean--” she struggled to make logic of her own words at such times. “I didn't want to upset you.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

The second she heard an apology, Ellis felt the overwhelming urge to disrupt Sam again. She knew it was going to boil down to this. She also knew it didn't matter what she said to combat it; somewhere within her altercation and the walk to where they were, the Boston woman had decided Ellis must have been upset.

Rightly so. It wasn't just her mother her father had walked out on. But she worked to hold that back. Usual bluntness never worked when Sam was like this.

"Don't apologise." She said anyway, though she phrased the request as lightly as she possibly could. Lifting her hand from the car door, she extended it towards her counterpart. "Give me the keys."

[Samantha Vaccari]

It was often a problem Sam had when she knew that she did something wrong; it was the very thing she had so often told her counterpart not to do: assume. She assumed Ellis was upset, because she had every right to be. The Boston woman knew how sensitive a topic her father was.

She finally looked up at the blonde when she replied, although her expression hadn’t changed. Ellis told her not to be sorry, but she couldn’t find the means to not be.

Still, she raised her eyebrows, dark eyes moving to the hand extended towards her. Her immediate reaction faltered as she dropped her jaw, intent on informing her counterpart that she had every capacity to drive, but for some reason she didn’t.

Instead, she lifted the keys, handing them to the blonde.

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis honestly assumed that Sam was going to try to argue with her the moment she requested the keys. There was a look in her dark eyes that very nearly indicated she wasn't going to comply. But her features offered clear surprise when she felt the weight of the keys in her hand, and in the next moment she looked down at them.

She pressed her free hand against the small of the Boston woman's back, guiding her out of the way before she got in the car. It was rare for her to drive, yes, but it also felt imperative.

When she sat in the passenger's seat, Ellis immediately settled her hand on her counterpart's thigh, allowing her nails to run the seam of her jeans slowly. Anything to calm her down, though she knew most efforts were relatively futile.

"Don't apologise." She said again, her hand remaining in its place as she started the car and moved to back out of the driveway.

[Samantha Vaccari]

In any other given situation, Sam would have argued to drive. It felt like a statement, trying to prove that she was calm, but handing over the keys was more of an indication that something was wrong more than not, even if it hadn’t crossed the Boston woman’s mind in such a way. Had she been looking, the surprise on her counterpart’s features would have cued her to such a fact.

Sam stepped aside when she felt Ellis ease her away from the driver’s side, and she offered the blonde a quick glance before making her way to the opposite side. She remained silent as she settled in the passenger’s seat.

Her dark eyes focused on the hand placed on her thigh. It forced a slow inhale from the brunette; although it was impossible to completely calm down, Ellis had a soothing effect on the Boston woman.

Still, this was hardly over. Sam took in another breath, opening her mouth with the intent to apologize again before she spoke up first. Her lips pressed into a hard line, gaze slowly drawing up to the blonde. “I—“ with the only thing she had planned to say taken from her, she faltered.

[Ellis Vaccari]

It was barely a moment, as Ellis registered the single word that passed through her counterpart's lips. There was a sliver of a moment between her stifling the rest of her sentence and Ellis continuing on; a piece of a moment where the blonde woman willed herself to stop. To consider her own words carefully. To - for once - not need to continue on as she usually did.

But these moments, or segments of them as they usually were, were always as short lived as they seemed.

"Because when you apologise, you're indicating that you're apologetic for your actions." Ellis continued on, doubting Sam had a secondary phrase to offer that wasn't the aforementioned apology. The one Ellis has subsequently taken from her by beating her to it. Despite the way her fingers trailed along Sam's thigh, she kept her eyes on the road. It made little sense to drive with one hand in theory, but in practice it had never been difficult. And Ellis opted to forgo the general rules when she couldn't keep a hand to herself.

Or when she needed to be calm herself. "And you're not. So I'd rather you didn't indicate that you were."

[Samantha Vaccari]

Sam settled in the silence as best as she could, her fingers tapping lightly on her knee she stared out at the road. It visibly irked the brunette to not have anything to say, so when Ellis chose to speak again, she was grateful that at least one of them were managing to find something to say.

And when her counterpart brought in her logical reasoning, as she inevitably would always do, Sam closed her eyes, shifting to lean against the headrest. Again, she found herself struggling to find a means to say anything in response. It was hard to argue with the blonde, because her response made sense, as they always did.

“I’m not apologizing for what I said.” She tried finally, allowing the way Ellis’s hand traced her thigh to keep her grounded. She opened her eyes, finally looking at the blonde. “I’m sorry if it hurt you.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis nodded her head once as Sam spoke. She allowed the amended apology to wash over her in a slow wave, taking in the small details. Her tone. Her choice of words. How she, in her own way, asked if Ellis was hurt by it. As much as she wanted to answer and unasked question, it was just that.

So she remained silent.

Still, her hand stopped its therapeutically rhythmic movement. And in the next moment, she seemed to idly dig her nails into the fabric her hand settled on.

"Why did you say it?"

[Samantha Vaccari]

The silence her counterpart offered seemed more than enough to answer the unasked question Sam posed. The Boston woman pressed her lips into a hard line, shifting her gaze to the passenger window as they drove. Her hand curled into a fist as she remained quiet.

But the moment she felt that familiar hand stop, Sam quickly found her gaze shooting back to the blonde. The nails that dug into her jeans drew a short breath from the brunette, and the question posed made that breath falter.

“I—“ It wasn’t uncommon for Sam to struggle explaining herself. Unclenching her fist, she brought her hand up, running it through her dark hair. Anything to buy her a few more seconds. “She doesn’t get it.” She tried, knowing well that it wasn’t enough of an answer. “I mean—She says you’re—“ She clenched her jaw, recalling just how many times the woman had made such references about Ellis. “She didn’t put in the effort to really see you.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Though she did her best to maintain control of her face, Ellis knew the telltale signs that she was upset were clear enough. The way the corner of her mouth pulled into something of a frown before she fought against the act was more than enough for the keen eyes of the Boston woman beside her, had she been looking. But then, when wasn't she looking?

And the way she faltered over her words forced a stint of irritation into the crease between her eyebrows. Why couldn't she talk about this?

The answer she did give was far from settling. If nothing else, it opened further questions without closing a single one.

"She never has," Ellis denoted, "And you knew that. You've known that since you first met her." Though she did her best to keep her voice level and calm, there were obvious breaks there. At least, they were obvious for her counterpart. She knew that, too. "So what makes this any different? Why bring him up now?"

[Samantha Vaccari]

Despite how many thought Ellis always kept something of a neutral expression, Sam knew better. And she was always looking. Her dark eyes had glanced up to see the way she just slightly frowned. The crease at the bridge of her nose, and the light pressure she put on her lips. To see Ellis in such a state of irritation was rare. It was a fragile subject.

“I know.” Sam ran her tongue along the bottom of her lip, trying to find the words to properly explain herself well enough to the blonde. She shifted in her seat, bringing a foot up and tucking it under a leg.

“Because I was angry.” It wasn’t enough. Again. Sam squeezed her eyes shut, bringing a hand up as she rubbed her temples with her thumb and middle finger. She took a quick breath before continuing. Before she could question again. “I would get fed up with her, too.” She brought her hand down, unable to remain still. “It’s what came into my head.”

[Ellis Vaccari]

Ellis wondered why she asked. It was rare for her to ever ask a question she knew the answer to; really, Sam's anger was an obvious point. But as she'd learned for years now, assuming was the wrong way to handle her. However, it was one of those moments where she was right. She knew the Boston woman was angry. She knew the way her mother spoke always made her angry. Family was supposed to be important. At least, that was what she knew of it. They didn't have the remnants of Sam's family, but really, they never did.

And truthfully, having a connection with her own mother was never high on her list of priorities.

So she could have left it, or at least tried to, but something she said caught Ellis. After a moment of silence, she lifted her hand and pulled it away slowly, placing it on the steering wheel. Earlier today her priority had really been how to handle sleeping in a bed that wasn't hers because they left to go back to Montana. Now, it was different.

"Is it just a matter of time?" Ellis asked, her voice refusing to waver, "Before you get fed up?"

[Samantha Vaccari]

Sam often struggled with the concept of family; her own had been broken for so long that the Boston woman had trouble finding importance in it. Her family was just as disjointed in its own way, and despite how angry Ellis’s mother made Sam, she still tried to act her best to maintain some sort of connection.

When Ellis drew away, Sam’s head snapped in her direction, eyes widening as she felt a wave of sudden panic hit her. She watched the way the blonde’s muscles flexed in her forearm as she curled her fingers around the steering wheel. Ellis didn’t have to say anything for Sam to know the conversation had taken a bad turn.

And when she did speak, the initial anxiety she felt doubled. Her breath caught as her gaze moved to her counterpart’s expression, searching it for any physical hint that she didn’t think what she had just spoken. But there it was, in a twitch of an eyebrow and an all but invisible crease at the bridge of her nose. She was asking because she didn’t know the answer.

“Are you fucking with me?” Her tone quickly turned harsh, defensive as she stared at Ellis in disbelief. “Do you really think I’d ever want to leave you?”