Nothing Left to Lose

[Ellen Banks]

She.... She didn't know. Ellen just didn't know...Her world was just a messed. A confused, tangled knot that Ellen couldn't even begin to fully solve, she wasn't even sure what direction up was. What...What was going on any more?! What did Ash wanted to hear?! That Ellen loved her back? Is that what she wanted from Ellen? To admit her undying love? She didn't even know what love trulywas. Hell, it was something that was a mystery that confused her for her entire life. Being directly confronted by it just made Ellen feel like she was talking to an alien one she had no possible way of identifying.

Ellen just stood there, she didn't trust herself to speak least she confused herself more, Ellen was just rooted to the ground like she was wearing lead shoes, It wasn't as if she didn't like Ash because she did...she knew that but on the other hand...she...they...It couldn't...

Ellen's head hurt...

Ellen didn't move once Ash began to make her leave, in one regard she was glad. She very very glad she was leaving maybe now the confusion will lift, but on the other watching her leave with such a hurt expression on her face made Ellen feel, hollow..empty. Just adding more to her confusion...Ellen wanted to scream and pull her hair out by the roots and she wasn't exactly sure of the reasons why, She almost wanted to scream at Ash why would she tell her something like that? Why is she messing with her head? Did it amuse her? Was this some kind of sick game to her?! What did she want from her?!

Ellen head tilted towards Ash going to leave the room, not sure what to do or say.

...So she said the first thing that came to mind "No" Ellen suddenly spoke up tucking her hair behind her ear "Stay. Please"

She didn't fully understand what she wanted...but she didn't want Ash to leave.She knew that much at least

[Ashley Benson]

The doorknob in Ashley's hand turned, though the door didn't open. She released her hold at the abrupt sound of Ellen's voice cutting through the din in her mind. She stood for a very long moment, hands at her side, head bowed before finally turning to face the other girl. Ashley was confused. If Ellen only tolerated her presence, if she didn't want her or whatever it was that had been growing between them, why ask her to stay? Was Ellen's confusion so great that she would push and pull at Ashley until one of them broke under the pressure?

Clear blue eyes focused on Ellen once again. Ashley did nothing to close the distance between them as she studied the blonde. "You don't have to say anything." She said finally, her voice barely above a whisper. "I know." She nodded faintly and lowered her eyes. "I don't know what I was thinking. It was unfair of me to lay all that on you. I should have just stayed quiet then I could go on pretending I'm not..." Ashley trailed off, lowering her gaze as her head shook. The tears were now steadily streaming down her face as she steeled herself with a long, slow breath before speaking again. Her gaze never wavered even as her heart tightened at the words she spoke. "You don't have to pretend anymore."

[Ellen Banks]

Oh please Ashley. Just move forward back into the room, don't say a word. Just stop tightening the vice in Ellen's head

but no she just loved to make Ellen feel all the worse didn't she? She just had to look at her with those sea blue eyes and just make Ellen feel like she's made the world saddest puppy dog all the more sad, and normally Ellen didn't care one instant, one second about how her words effected people...

But with her? it was different...seeing her upset...did something to her.

"Ash..." Ellen started again having no idea what she was going to say "It's me, Ash. Not you, The problem is with me" Ellen said wishing that this wasn't happening that she could go to bed or a bath or somewhere where things were simple "I'm not...used....to...This..." Ellen said gesturing towards Ash and herself with her finger "This...Doesn't happen to me. I'm not really sure how to handle it

[Ashley Benson]

Although still skeptical and wary, Ashley had no reason to distrust Ellen. She nodded faintly, the blonde's words made sense. Ashley knew Ellen was an isolated individual, that she, herself had been approached by people who were simply curious about who this strange girl hanging around Ellen was had proven that. Slowly she ventured back toward the center of the room. Her bright, azure gaze remained locked upon Ellen. She could feel the desperation and conflict in Ellen's words no matter how hard the blonde may have tried to hide it.

"Ellen." The name escaped Ashley's lips in a hushed whisper. It was strange for her to be in this position. Ashley was never the one who was sure of themselves any more than Ellen was accustomed to being confused and uncertain. Carefully she approached Ellen, though she didn't dare draw as close as she'd been before. "And what is this?" She asked, searching Ellen's gaze for any hint of her true thoughts and feelings. "That's all I want to know. If there's something scaring you or... hurting you then I want to help you. I want to be there for you like you were for me."

Ashley's expression softened and she took a couple more steps forward bringing her perilously close to Ellen once again. "And I will be. No matter what." She added before a thin, yet warm smile touched her lips and caused her eyes to gleam brightly in spite of the tears that had recently fallen. "I just want to know what's going through your head when you look at me and smile."

[Ellen Banks]

Well, Ash was staying....that was....a relief? Yes it was but Ellen couldn't really explain why this was the case. She was grateful for the few moments of silence because she now had a precious  few moments to try and put her thoughts in focus and try and figure out how to even begin to handle what Ashley was asking from her and how to talk to her about the subject.

This is pretty much out of Ellen's comfort zone and this was one of those rare moments where she wasn't exactly confident...She wasn't exactly enjoying the sensation of it....

Normally Ellen would flinch at Ash being so near to her but...there was something about Ash, that was comfortable about her, she didn't know why but her tone of voice and the shade of blue that was her eyes...There was something about them that Ellen just wanted to tell her everything..and that didn't happen every day.

How in the world has Ash not figured out that Ash shouldn't be there for Ellen? She has been hanging around Ellen for weeks. She's seen how she is with people. That was her that was Ellen Banks. The reigning bitch queen of Bellefonte. Why was this an attractive prospect for Ash? Ellen didn't really know what she did to deserve Ash being just so loyal to her...

Well, she did...but she know but she would argue that wasn't worth much. "You say you love me....But you don't understand...My family...my father...they don't approve of that kind of thing...and trust me...you don't want to make him mad." Ellen said with a little shudder of fear

[Ashley Benson]

Ashley slowly nodded. The pieces of the puzzle were slowly falling into place. As shy and quiet as Ashley had always been she wasn't ignorant, stupid, nor was she a fool. She understood the weight of Ellen's words and how difficult they must have been to force out. And through it all there was a small glimmer of hope. A small thread of light that remained shining through the darkness. It felt selfish and caused a faint twitch of guilt to hit Ashley, but it occurred to her there would be no reason for Ellen to fear her father if there wasn't something here.

Her mind raced at the mere thought of it all. As much as Ellen claimed to be moving about in uncharted territory so, too, was Ashley. Ellen was right, Ashley had spent four year in seclusion and Ellen was the first person since she started integrating with the rest of the school to show kindness to her. Over the last few months, however, Ellen hadn't been the only one to do so and yet she remained the only one who's face Ashley thought of at night that brought about comfort when she was unsettled. Ellen remained the lone, solitary figure capable of easing the constant storm raging through her mind. It was Ellen, alone, Ashley loved.

Words, as they commonly did, failed Ashley. She wanted to cry out to Ellen that she didn't care if anyone knew. That they could keep whatever this was hidden from everyone. They didn't need to fear Ellen's father because he would never have to know. Ashley didn't need labels or public affirmation of her feelings, though it brought up the startling question. What, exactly, was it Ashley was asking of Ellen? She studied those deep, brown eyes of the blonde girl for a long time. There was concern showing plainly on Ashley's face. As decisive as she'd been in explaining how she felt it was all so muddled and confusing. She didn't know how to explain her feelings and thoughts or really even what those thoughts and feelings truly were at this point so Ashley did the next best thing. She stepped forward without a word, her hand coming up to Ellen's cheek, fingertips dragging ever so gently against her skin. There was no hesitation or doubt in her eyes as she leaned in to softly press her lips against Ellen's.

[Ellen Banks]

Ash was wrong. She was mistaken. Ellen wasn't the person that she thought she was. She didn't know how many different ways she could tell her that. How to get her to understand that she was looking at Ellen with rose tinted glasses. Seeing what she wanted to see, seeing the person she wanted Ellen to be because she wanted someone to love just so badly, it was through no fault of her own considering how much the girl has been through but she was latching onto the wrong person. It was as simple as that and Ellen didn't exactly know how to fully get that across...

...And even besides that even if Ash wasn't mistaken. She couldn't give Ash what she wanted. It was a terrible, terrible awful idea maybe one that could qualify as the worse decision she ever made. Didn't she have to deal with this with Ben? Didn't he already screamed at Ben not to do it? She should practice what she preached

She was about to tell Ash this, about to tell her that this couldn't happen when Ash slowly froze her in place as she felt her lip press against hers, it wasn't a hard kiss, or even passionate. It was soft and gentle almost like a caress more then anything else. Ellen thought she needed to push her out and tell her to stop. This needed to stop and she would..

...Any moment now....

...Maybe just a little longer

Her eyes that were wide in surprise was slowly beginning to close...and she kissed softly back.

Ash posed a compelling arguement

[Ashley Benson]

Ellen wasn't wrong. Everything about what they were doing was wrong. Every. Single. Thing. Ashley had no right to push this on Ellen anymore than Ellen had the right to tell Ashley how she felt. If Ellen was nervous about it all, Ashley was certainly not the stable, self-assured individual that could help her. Ashley had always been the scared lamb, shivering in the corner until someone came and picked her up and told her everything was going to be okay. That, however, was where the rush of pressing her lips to Ellen's came in. Ashley was through being afraid. Through questioning herself. It was selfish, yes, because if Ellen felt the same way about her, she was in for nothing less than one hell of a ride.

As soon as Ellen's demeanor softened and she seemingly melted into the kiss, Ashley's arms slipped around her neck. Her lips parted and she deepened the kiss, shifting her body forward to press it into Ellen. The surge of emotion that came with the act made Ashley's head swim. Long dormant feelings began to stir within her body and mind that went beyond the purely affectionate love she carried for the girl in her presence. So startling was this rush of heat it made her suddenly break the kiss though she didn't dare pull away. She swallowed hard, eyes opening wide, chest heaving as she looked to Ellen, almost in shock.

[Ellen Banks]

She knew that this was stupid that she should have pulled away the moment that she felt Ash make her move but the instant she felt Ash's lips on hers. She was doomed, at that moment her head was never going to win over the Rush of kissing Ash. She had never experienced anything like this, this was more then a kiss, it just felt like time just seemed to take a back seat all that mattered was that feeling of Ash's kiss that felt like an electric shock through her system

Ellen's body began to melt at Ash's touch practically turning to putty in her hands, almost purring...

...and then she let go...

Ellen eyelids fluttered for a moment very aware of how close she was and the heat that was going through her body. Pink pin pricks appearing each side of her face

"....I really shouldn't be doing this...."

Yet Ellen didn't move