Measuring

[Erika Conner (Bellefonte)]

Good counselors, which had Erika nodding. She'd only heard good things about them. She wasn't sure how she felt about going to see a counselor and talk to someone she didn't even know. It was hard enough for her to open up to people she already did know. Then again, maybe that was the issue. That she did know them, and they knew her in return. Maybe all of this was nothing more than Erika not wanting to bother the people she cared about.

The thoughts were quickly pushed aside as Elsa knelt down in front of her. Erika's gaze dropped to meet her sister's identical brown. For a moment, Erika remained perfectly quiet as she watched her sister. Swallowing hard, Erika exhaled sharply again. She could feel the slight tightening in her chest and as much as she wanted to pull her gaze away, she couldn't.

There was more. There was always more.

"Drew left." Her voice sounded alien. "To Japan," she added quickly. She didn't want to make it sound as if he'd left, although, Erika wasn't too sure how to make of that just yet. "He said he needed time to think." She averted her gaze then, looking down at her hands. "About us."

[Elsa Bellefonte]

There was more.

There was always more.

Drew... "What," the word was flat, almost dead from Elsa. I'll kill him slid out of her mind before she could stop it, drifting through her tight mental control and wafting toward her sibling, likely to nestle in there. To Japan? Why on Earth would he pick Japan of all places? That sounded entirely suspicious and...

"That could mean anything," Elsa insisted, waving a hand. "He's still male: they like to have their space from time to time." Elsa was tempted to mention that Felix had left for some time, but something told her that mentioning her current... whatever was not a good move at this moment in time. Especially not considering his strained path with Erika.

How was it that all her friends fell for the girl?

"For all you know he's over there plotting the perfect marriage proposal," Elsa suggested, gesturing. The "he'd better be" lay underneath, at least a little more controlled than her earlier ideas and thoughts. "Or perhaps it really is something involving business. You are dating someone with many fingers in many pots, after all..."

Was she fishing? It felt a little like it. All Elsa could feel right now was a strange type of rage, mixed with a very strong desire to fly to Japan... or, better yet, to have Roxana fly there...

[Erika Conner (Bellefonte)]

The three words that seemed to drift from mind to another brought little to no comfort to Erika. No, Erika remembered the conversation they'd had. There was nothing to be mistaken about with it all. Sure, he'd claimed he didn't want them to break up, but that wasn't the issue. The issue was the reason he'd left to begin with. It didn't mean 'anything', it meant something, and Erika knew perfectly well what that was.

"No," she shook her head. "He said he was having doubts," she added, her voice barely above that of a whisper. "That's he's having a hard time..." she trailed off. Erika was well aware that the fact that she'd already left one was going to take time and that it would be hard, but this? This wasn't exactly what she'd been expecting. Thinking back through the events of the conversation, Erika sighed. She knew he hadn't meant to hurt her, and that how he'd said things wasn't exactly how he'd meant for it all to come out.

And part of her even understood why he was doing it. Heck, she even knew that it would take time, and that if distance was what he needed...

"It's just a horrible timing, is all," she quickly collected herself, shrugging. Well, that and the fact that so many people had left before. It almost seemed to become a habit. Maybe something really was wrong with her. Maybe she was just one of those people who ruined everything they touched.

"He's with his father," she added. The comment about having his fingers in many pots made her a little confused, but she supposed it was nothing more than all those ridiculous rumors swirling around about him. It wasn't like she was dating some kingpin mafia boss, or something. And the proposal comment was just silly.

[Elsa Bellefonte]

Having doubts? "Every---" Elsa began, only to pause. It was a lie, and it felt like one even just being formed on her tongue. Not everyone had doubts about a relationship. The people around them often did but, well, they also knew of at least one relationship where the two parties involved had never doubted the strength of their bond. "Most people have doubts," Elsa amended lamely, knowing that all the power of the statement had been bled away.

"It is," Elsa found herself agreeing a few moments later. Saying it was horrible timing actually felt like something of an understatement. It made her wonder: why had this happened? What was going on there? Something was definitely up and---with his father?

"That could mean almost anything," Elsa said softly. Except that it was unlikely that it meant that they were discussing Drew's under the table interests. She paused for a moment, again looking to her sister. "He's an idiot, you know that? Even if this is... important, he's still being a complete fool right now," she paused for a moment before adding: "and not in the good, sort of attractive way," because she often used that word when referencing Felix, and, well, this was most definitely different.

[Erika Conner (Bellefonte)]

Yeah, the power of the statement had been bleed away and was met with nothing more than a sigh. She couldn't honestly blame him. Not really. It was only natural to feel uncertain and doubtful considering how she'd left him once before. Of course he was afraid. Of course he had doubts. But him leaving seemed almost counter-productive. Yes, he'd told her straight up that he didn't want them to break up, but then what was the point in taking time to think? It wasn't a break, he'd said so himself. And again, what was the point of needing time to think, if you'd already set your mind on wanting something to work out?

It was all very confusing and it had haunted the brunette's mind the past few days. She'd barely slept as it was, and she was terrified. She felt angry -- but then she had to remind herself that she had no right to. She'd left too. Only that her leaving had been so much worse. A part of her was honestly wondering if maybe she deserved all of this. Maybe this was karma.

"I know. But I already know what it means, because he told me right before leaving; he needed time to think. He didn't want to break up or take a break, but he still needed time away, because he's having doubts and feeling uncertain." It seemed almost a little contradictory. A small smile spread over Erika's lips at the comment her sister offered. It did bring a small sense of comfort, even though it didn't make the last part any easier to ask. Her eyes lifted, searching her sister's. "Am..." She stopped, her brows furrowing. "Am I really so blind, that I actively ruin everything I touch without even knowing it? Do I purposely chase everyone away?"

[Elsa Bellefonte]

She knew. Elsa could feel her heart slipping a bit there. There was just so much defeat there, and after what had just happened, what Erika had admitted to. No wonder she hadn't really come to any conclusion about the drugging: she had this to worry about. It was enough to drive a normal person to crazy, and the twins were about three degrees off normal these days.

The last bit had Elsa looking to her sister though, meeting her eyes. "What? You're not serious, surely," she said, before shaking her head. "Erika, nobody has run away from you. Your various... paramours," she looked away for a moment, not sure if that was the right word to use right now but uncertain what else to use or say, "sometimes do seem to need a break. But that's likely because things get so intense. You fall hard, you fall fast, you feel with your whole heart. Always have. You never do anything by halves.

"And that's why everyone keeps going toward you. Even the people you push away stay in your orbit, usually as your friends," Elsa smiled a little sadly as she continued: "I'm in a twisted relationship with one, remember?"

[Erika Conner (Bellefonte)]

She was sure that Elsa's word came from a place of kindness, yet, Erika couldn't quite find it in herself to agree. Yes, she fell hard and fast, and she often let her heart decide her next move before her head could even catch up. But that wasn't an excuse. She had hurt plenty of people, and surely, there was a reason for why Everett had never been around, and now this? A pattern were forming, and Erika wasn't sure how to make of it all. Heck, she was even part of the reason as to why Felix had left. At least, it was easy to blame herself for that.

She had successfully pushed Ellen away too, and even though that wasn't something she was overly sad about, it was still another name to add to the list. How could she not blame herself? "The only reason he left... The only reason he's having doubts is because I already left once. I can't really blame him for that."

She offered her sister a sad smile when Felix was brought into the conversation. "I'm sorry," she whispered. She wished her sister could have found someone that hadn't been a victim in the wake of one of Erika's many wrecking ball decisions. How people even bothered to return, she didn't know. They were clearly better without.

[Elsa Bellefonte]

Elsa shook her head. "You don't know that," she argued. "I'm the mind reader, not you, and even I can't know a person's entire motivation." That she knew all too well. There were only a few people she'd delved that deeply into, deep enough to see so much of them, to understand them. One of them sat next to her. There were others that she'd all but attacked with her mind, and those, those she definitely didn't want to dwell upon.

"Don't be," Elsa said, moving to give grab her sister's hand, giving it a quick squeeze. "you have nothing to apologize for. It's the Bellefonte genes," another slight squeeze. "We're so amazing that everyone just falls for us without thinking twice about it."

Or, well, fell for Erika. The pretty one, the one that everyone liked. But no sooner had those familiar thoughts started to develop in Elsa's mind then she shoved them aside. That was not happening now: she was not going to move anywhere near her own doubts; her sister needed her right now.

"It's like I said: you live life fully, and that has its drawbacks as well as its benefits," Elsa insisted, nodding. She'd seen both firsthand, helped her sister through them as best she could.

[Erika Conner (Bellefonte)]

Oh, but she did know. That was the issue. She knew all too well about the many hinders her relationship was facing. It wasn't that she was worried it would come to an end. She truly did believe that they were stronger than that. In fact, Erika wasn't even sure where all this negativity was coming from. She was hurt and terrified, yes, but why? Drew had already told her they weren't breaking up, so why was she so worried? Why was she sinking into this hole of self-pity and defeat?

"That's hardly an excuse," she whispered as she looked at their hands. Maybe it was just time for her to take responsibility, grow up and stop running around as if she could do whatever she wanted. Because she couldn't. She couldn't keep getting away with everything. It wasn't fair. There clearly had to be some kind of repercussion for her actions that didn't end up hurting someone else.

Some way to make amends.

Finally, her gaze lifted again. Looking over the mirrored face in front of her, Erika drew her breath. "Maybe it's about time I stop then." Maybe Elsa had been right all along, by keeping people at an arm's length. Maybe that was better in the long run.

[Elsa Bellefonte]

Was it an excuse? Elsa hadn't meant it as one, but it did seem a bit like one now that she'd vocalized it. She held her tongue for a few moments, letting Erika sort through things. Part of Elsa realized that this just wasn't something she could pull her sister out of. All she could do was what she was doing now: be there for her, be willing to listen, to be a shoulder to cry upon.

Though Erika's last suggestion, likely meant to be serious or thoughtful, had Elsa laughing. She shook her head, raising a hand. "I don't mean to belittle it, Erika, but," she smiled at her sister, "you might as well swear not to be Erika Bellefonte any more," she nodded. "You are who you are, and that's what everyone loves and admires about you. Don't try to swear to change some aspect of yourself. Just... grow a little," Elsa leaned her head in a little further, feeling like she should be giving more physical affection but just not quite sure how.

"Just grow a little, Erika. Be a better you, not someone you think everyone thinks you should be."

[Erika Conner (Bellefonte)]

Elsa made it sound so easy. As if all Erika had to do was put her mind to it and she'd grow. Even after a year, she found herself going around in circles. Like, she hadn't changed any at all. She was still stuck in this endless loop where she kept screwing herself over and she was just so tired of it. How did you tell yourself to stop doing something that came automatic? How did you stop wearing your heart on your sleeve? It was frustrating, really.

"Yeah," she said, sighing heavily. She didn't like being this person. She felt so weak. So... Pathetic. "Being self-aware sucks." She offered her sister a slight smile at that. It was a little strained, but at least it was better than sobbing, sulking and slobbering tears and snot.

It made her think though, how on earth she managed to talk about these kind of things without crying. Like, she could feel the tears at the back of her eyes, but they didn't come. 

[Elsa Bellefonte]

Yeah: Elsa nodded. "It does," she said, smiling a little. She exchanged another strained smile with her sibling. This was always the problem: either you were in denial about your problems, pushing them further and further down till they became something that tortured your subconscious. Or you were so aware that everything came crashing down around you. The latter was usually Elsa's state of mind: it had been what had driven her straight to alcohol only a short while ago.

Yet there she was, sitting with her sister, trying to pick someone else up out of the funk. Then again, that did seem to be what the two of them did with one another: that support, that drive to help one another, to be there.

"You're not crying because there's no point," Elsa said, having picked up the bits. She gave her sister an apologetic smile. "Sorry: Sometimes I literally can't help it. Comes with the psychic twin business..." among other bits, such as how Elsa had linked so tightly to Erika to find her only a little over a year ago now.

[Erika Conner (Bellefonte)]

"I don't mind," she responded. After a lifetime of having a sister who could read your mind, and now dating someone who could, you kind of got used to not having your thoughts being all that private. After all, if there was ever a moment Erika wanted to keep her thoughts to herself, she could always use her second ability. It had been used a lot more lately, and she had slowly found herself getting a better handle on it.

"I don't really have much to hide from you anyways, so..." she admitted with a shrug. Even though Erika was good at denying and keeping things bottled up, she didn't do or avoid telling her sister because she didn't want her to know. No, it was just simpler not to. Besides, it often proved to be a lot more useful than one would imagine.

SPECTRE being an instance of that.

"I don't want to run anymore, Elsa. I don't want to keep jumping from guy to guy because my heart can't settle. I want this to be it." Said every teenager in love ever. It was stupid to even expect it to last forever, but their second go around... it was different. It was so much more. It was unlike anything Erika had ever experienced. It was constantly intense and consuming.

[Elsa Bellefonte]

Of course Erika didn't mind. Elsa had to smile at that. By now her sister had to have grown used, maybe too used, to other people being in her mind... though now that Elsa stopped to think about it, Erika actually had the power to push people out, even Elsa. It would be something of a fight, and Elsa would probably win, but the point remained: Erika had an open mind. Elsa... didn't.

Really, that was their difference in a few lines, wasn't it?

"I'd like to think neither of us has much to hide," Elsa admitted, again giving her sister's hand a squeeze. It was true, especially any more. What was the point? They were there to accept one another in ways that other people wouldn't or couldn't quite. They just had to make sure that the relationship had room to allow others in as well. Though, Erika's open heart and Elsa's lowering walls did that well.

And there it was, Erika's latest proclamation of love. Hadn't Elsa heard something similar when Everett had been around? Hadn't that been part of the reason behind that marriage? But it wasn't Elsa's place to argue. Especially not when she had something more important to say: "You're telling that to the wrong Person."

The capital letter was audible.

[Erika Conner (Bellefonte)]

Erika's minds traveled to the memory of the time she'd spend with Drew's mother in the wine cellar. Somehow, she had managed to convince the older Conner woman of her intentions. And yes, Erika was well aware that she'd said the same things over and over again, and maybe she would say them again one day. But there was something, something she couldn't quite pin point that made all the difference.

She supposed it didn't matter. Everyone seemed to think that it was just another one of those things she said every time, so really, what was the point?

"I suppose," she sighed. She had spun herself a nice web here, and there was no way for her to escape it. Even if Drew did come back, and even if they managed to get past it all, what happened the next time they met a rough patch? Sure, she knew that there was no point in even thinking about it, because every couple had rough patches. Though, lately, it felt as if either they went full speed ahead - or they stalled.

There was never anything in between. No sense of normalcy. "Maybe I just need some time away too?" She wasn't sure if she was suggesting it - or asking.