she's not going to listen

[Devyn Solway]

Devyn didn't move away because she was fearful of Zoe's power. The other girl should have known that by now and if she didn't well it just explained how little Zoe understood Devyn. She never feared Zoe's power; she was the one who always wanted to push and assured Zoe it would be okay even with her power in the way. She liked Zoe's power. She liked everything about the other girl since the day she had met her. That was why she had done it all, said yes, enjoyed the relationship, and slowly fell in love with her. It was why she had worked to be better for Zoe, because everything about Zoe Devyn loved, even if some things did make her worry, hurt, or that she didn't fully understand.

Zoe insisted that it was not too late but Devyn was not looking at her and didn't plan on it. She still heard the words but she didn't believe them, they didn't feel real. It felt too late. What more could be done to make things better? Nothing? What could make things better would not make things better for other people. Devyn didn't want to make things difficult for other people now, she was done with it. So she wanted to leave. Go somewhere away from this place with all the pain and bad memories she had here. "Look where fighting has got me, Zoe." Devyn said her voice a little louder but she had not actually gotten to the point yet.

"I'm here because I have been fighting, I have been trying, and this is where it has gotten me. I tried to fight for you. I tried to fight to defend myself. I tried to fight losing control and all my fighting has done is gotten me here." Devyn said her fist clinching even harder, the few cuts on them torn open a little and started to bleed a little. "Do you even know me Zoe?" Devyn asked as she now looked at Zoe. "I swear I'm not trying to be mean or anything to you when you came all the way here cause people suggested that you should. It's just...you should go back to Alice and your friends." Devyn said.

She hated the words as they left her mouth but she didn't want to drag Zoe down. Zoe seemed to have done a lot better without her, so why would she try and grab a hold of that light once more to bring down into her darkness?

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

"Not this kind of---" Zoe began, only to stop as Devyn continued. This wasn't the fighting she meant, though she wasn't sure how to convey that to Devyn. The girl seemed so wrapped up in herself, in that darkness, talking about fighting for Zoe and fighting for herself and... and it wasn't the same. The next question made Zoe take a step back.

Not trying, no, but Devyn could still cut. Except, well, Zoe had thicker skin now. She had grown used to bleeding, and it simply didn't bother her like it used to. She merely kept going. Though right now, she shook her head.

"Why does everyone keep thinking I'm just going to do what people say?" she said, half to herself. "I listen to people," the next came to Devyn, Zoe's head raising, "and I did listen. But Alice certainly didn't tell me to come here. I told her I wanted to, to make sure that she understood what I was doing. Liz asked me because Beau suggested it, and I accepted because we all care about you. Stop fighting by yourself and stop being defensive and acting like everyone's against you. If that were true, I wouldn't be standing here, would I?"

No, Zoe certainly wasn't the same person she was when they'd been together, just as surely as Devyn wasn't the same person now.

[Devyn Solway]

She had caught that Zoe was probably going to say something about not that kind of fighting or something. Then what other fighting was there? She tried all the types in those examples she gave Zoe when it came to fighting. She tried to fight for a relationship by trying to take it slow to try and get back what they had before. When that failed she tried being friends. With the rest it was all the same that she was trying to fight and do something to help her feel better. Yeah, it was selfish, but how could she expect to fix herself all on her own? She tried and just...it sucked.

There was a question then, one that Devyn was tempted to answer. Because you clearly listened to what others said about not giving me a chance to try and be with you again. Devyn thought to herself as she looked away from Zoe. Still recalled both times of Zoe pushing her away when she had tried to fix at least something between them. She was not an idiot; she had always lingered around without really being seen and had an idea of what happened when she 'left'. Devyn bit her lip to keep back all the words that she wanted to say to Zoe. To retaliate against everything Zoe was saying and calling it lies.

Zoe did have a point, Devyn would give her that, but it seemed Zoe didn't understand why Devyn had given up and wanted to leave. She took a deep breath, calming herself as she rubbed her knuckles a little, smirking some of the small droplets of blood. "I love you, Zoe." Devyn went ahead and said it, figuring she might as well try and make it clear why she thought this was not going to work by this late in the game of life. "I'm always going to love you. I'm always going to want to hold you close, to kiss you, to be there for you when you are hurting, to make you happy, to have sex with you, and all of it. It's not going to go away." Devyn admitted and that was the honest fact that she knew. It was true about the other two people she had truly loved in her life.

"Before...I could have just suppressed it all and been fine being your friend. Being happy that you were happy and getting somewhere in life. I honestly am happy for you even know because you have ended up with someone who makes you happy." Devyn said, taking another step back then. "Now...with all that had just happened, I can't. I can't be here, so close to you but yet so far and know that you are honestly happy with Alice. It's good, really but do you honestly think I can just have nothing to distract me and know that Alice is getting everything that I wanted to have with you but..." Devyn stopped there, biting her lip so hard that she started to make it bleed now too.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Zoe never wavered from watching Devyn, seeing the shadows and the movements. The words she'd half been dreading came out, and she nearly felt like crying again. Still? Devyn hadn't given up on that? It was somewhat flattering, and some part of Zoe would always love some part of Devyn but... but she'd gotten over that. Her heart belonged to someone else now, not someone in this room. She heard those words and... and she didn't return the feeling. The girl she loved had gone some time ago, and that girl had proved that she couldn't be trusted, that the love didn't hold her enough.

Before she could have suppressed it? Now she couldn't? Now she was blaming Zoe on everything?

"Don't you dare," Zoe said, her voice taking on another edge. "You're doing this to yourself: you know what happened. Stop blaming me for... for this," she gestured. "People grow, Devyn. We grew apart," so far apart. "I don't love you, not who you are now. I care about you, and I wish that you could at least see that there's people who do, and that you could just see past that. It hurts that you can't just be happy for me; all I want is for you to just... just move on, Devyn. Let the past be where it is and move forward."

Zoe was trying, but it felt like she was trying to enter a cave with a flickering candle, and that the one person she needed to guide just kept blowing that flame out.

[Devyn Solway]

Devyn was going to love Zoe forever. Just as she was going to love the first person she loved and the second person she loved. If there was ever a chance that any of them would take her back she would take it, even if it meant she was going to get hurt again. It was an unforeseen character flaw and she just had to deal with it. With the first one, they had left so Devyn at least didn't hear about or see them. The second, they lived down in the town so when things fell out there she just didn't go into town and it was easy enough to not see them that way.

With Zoe, she was still here and Devyn didn't want her to leave when Zoe seemed so at home and happy here. So she felt like she had to be the one to leave this time. Zoe then seemed angry, saying that Devyn was doing this herself and that she had to stop blaming Zoe for it. The anger and pain inside Devyn just kept building up, her eyes were already water as the shadows in the room started to move a bit more. Zoe said she didn't love her and that was enough to make Devyn want to die there on the spot, causing her to take another step back until she could feel the wall. She gripped at her shirt, closing her eyes and telling herself to keep calm.

"I'm not trying to blame you. It's my own fault I fall in love the way I do. It's my own fault that all the thing happened because of the way I am." Devyn said, through clinched teeth. "You grew apart from me. I will blame you for that. You had to have stopped loving me long before you broke up with me. You didn't even give me a chance and you said I broke your trust when there was obviously a miscommunication between us since the status of the open relationship had not changed." Devyn said, growling now but she remained back against the wall. Zoe still didn't get it, she still didn't understand. No one seemed to.

They were all so blind and not looking at it from the other persons angel when Devyn had, even if it might not have seen like it. "I am happy for you. I said that several times. I'm happy that you found someone new who you can love. I'm happy that you are moving ahead in life. I'm happy that you have become so strong. I am happy for you. I did as you asked and left you alone. i can be happy for you all I want but that does not mean it stop the pain. That does not mean it stop me from feeling how I do about you. It just keeps me silent about it, and I have been silent since you pushed me away the last time we met." Devyn said, there were tears by this point.

They felt warm, hot even as they escaped from her eyes and ran down her face. He voice wavered a little bit but she didn't move from where she was. "Remaining in my life did not make you happy. Return to your life with the one that you love now and leave me here." Devyn said as she slowly sank down to the floor. She was done. She wanted death. She wanted the end to come. She didn’t want to be here where everything hurt. Where there were a lot of god memories but were people out there that didn’t understand her. Zoe would give up eventually a leave, they all would eventually.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Blame her for growing apart? Zoe felt more anger growing up, and she suddenly understood why so often Alice wanted to slap her. Did she ever sound like that? Defeated and alone and driven away by everyone around her? And then blaming? Acting innocent over something that had been her fault, wholly her fault, and something that had happened so long ago. Zoe literally couldn't believe that Devyn was still unearthing that wound. Clearly she'd been picking it.

"Devyn, we --" she began, but Devyn kept going, insisting that she was happy, but that she was in pain. Zoe doubted every word, and again, she just wanted to shake Devyn until she got it. There was no point in reiterating things, repeating how Devyn didn't understand. Zoe had loved her even as she'd pulled apart. That had been what had caused all of the pain, all the anguish. But Zoe had taken that, let it scar over, grown.

Clearly Devyn hadn't.

"Devyn, you need to try and move past this. This isn't good, it's not healthy," she took a step closer but... was there anything she could do? Devyn seemed determined to pull herself inward, to push it away. To simply insist that the world was against her and that there was nothing to do, nothing there to save. Zoe simply didn't know how to pull her out of it, or even if she could be pulled out of it.

[Devyn Solway]

Devyn did her best to ignore all the pain that came from the breakout, but nothing that hurt her so ever left her. It was why she remember the day her dad died. It was why she remembered every breakup, every person that she had seemed to hurt. She even vaguely remembers those in SPECTRE she killed. It if was bad, it stuck to her like glue. It became part of her darkness and while she tried to not let it affect her life she was going to use it to explain why she was in her current state. Everyone always said to leave the past in the past and you could do that all you wanted, but if it was something that really bothered you, it was not going to remaining in the past even if you thought it was.

It was always hunting you in some way, not going away until you faced the problem. Yet, the problem could never be faced since it seemed even with Devyn knowing she had done wrong by sleeping with someone on prom, Zoe didn't see the wrong in expecting Devyn to jut have known that their relationship had magically shifted into another stance and that sleeping with someone was going to result in a breakup about a month later after the 'crime'. Devyn really was happy for Zoe. She was proud of her and happy that she had landed a babe like Alice who was immune to her power.

She honestly was happy but that did not mean thing were not going to hurt and that her feeling were just going to go away. She really loved Zoe and that was never going to change, never. "What do you think I have been trying to do these past months? Why do you think I'm going to ask to be transferred. I'm have been and I'm still trying to move past this." Devyn said, still tears flowing down her face. She curled forward then, hating this. She hated feeling so weak, hated Zoe for being here to see her like this.

"What would you have me do, Zoe? I doubt even you know. No one knows how to help me because it's too late. I don't blame you. I blame who I am. The monster, the Cursed Shadow Prince as my mother said all along." Devyn muttered as she just lay there on the ground. She expected Zoe to leave, she doubted Zoe knew what to do, she doubted anyone did. Devyn had an idea of what might have helped but all of it was impossible.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

No, no she wasn't going to listen. She kept talking like she'd tried, but it was clear that she hadn't even listened or bothered to begin with. Zoe didn't know what to do, and she didn't think that there was anything to do. Not with Devyn essentially putting her hands on her ears and shouting into a corner. It hurt Zoe to see Devyn like this, to see anyone, but Devyn especially.

"I can't make you try if you won't," Zoe said, her voice sad, her expression somber. "That's your decision to make..." wow, now she knew where Alice got it. It almost felt like she was saying the words her girlfriend would have said. Too late: Devyn kept saying that, but Zoe couldn't believe it. Though if Devyn truly couldn't get over this, despite Zoe being there, despite the time, despite all the support... then Zoe wasn't sure she could see a way out besides what Devyn had said.

Still, she wasn't going to leave, not yet. She hadn't come here simply to give up. Zoe moved to a chair, brushing it off before sitting down. "You're not cursed, Devyn. You're just broken, and you need to put yourself back together," she smiled at her old friend, her old flame, and she nodded. "If you need to go somewhere else to do that, then maybe you should, but you need to piece yourself back together. There are people here who would help if you let us, but if you won't or can't, then do what you think is best."

Zoe smiled sadly, feeling like this could very well be goodbye.

[Devyn Solway]

"I never said I would not. There is just nothing else to be done on the matter. I tried literally everything I could think of." Devyn said as she didn't moved from where she was. Zoe still didn't seem like she was giving up. Devyn appreciated that but she still didn't see the point of it anymore. She didn't want to blame Zoe but deep down she knew that Zoe was the problem. It was because she loved the girl, actually real love that didn't just die or grow away or whatever happened to Zoe's love. "Everyone that you hang out with don't like me. Your girlfriend came at me on DL, or did she not tell you that?" Devyn asked after pointing it out.

She was still hurting but now it was to the point where she just actually wanted to shove Zoe away. Give the girl a taste of her own medicine for those times she shoved Devyn away when she was trying so hard to make things better. When she was trying so hard to make herself better and avoid ending up in the state that she was currently in. she just didn't have any luck, at all and now here she was. Feeling like the lowest being on the earth as she lay there on her floor with the third person she loved who had for a long time stopped loving her the way Devyn loved her. She heard movement, rolling onto her side a little to see if she had to close her door or not.

However, Zoe was still here, grabbing a chair. Why was she still trying? Anything that would fix the problem, Zoe could not do. Everything was on the side of the impossible and unless they found some time manipulator who could go really far back in time, she didn't see things as getting better. Dev had at least stopped crying, the tears only lasted for so long, and her eyes burned. Zoe pointed out that Devyn was not cursed but just broken and had to be put back together. That was what she had been doing but again people kept pushing her away when she tried to. She was wounded and was trying to get help mend it but all that was done was salt was thrown into it and the wound never got treated so it festered.

"We can't be friends. Your friends and Alice would not be okay with it. I can't be a part of your life when that is all I want. I can deal with a lot but I can’t...I can't deal with people saying the things they do about me when it’s not true." Devyn said. Sure, Zoe could believe that Devyn cheated but so far as logic was concerned; and Devyn asked a lot of people because she really wanted to understand, but she didn't cheat and she hated people saying that she did. "I can't have you. I can't have anyone that I actually want. What is left for me Zoe? If you can honestly say that things can get better and convince me then maybe I'll try to draw another breath for tomorrow. But..." Devyn said but trailed off.

"Would you even really want me around you, knowing what I said is true and not going to change? Do you really want me to deal with that jealousy and envy forever while I’m around you, for the sake of not leaving?" Devyn went ahead and asked.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Zoe sighed as Devyn insisted that everyone around Zoe didn't like Devyn. If that were true, then why would Liz have contacted her? True, several of Zoe's people didn't care for how Devyn treated her, and moments like this seemed to prove them right. But clearly Zoe didn't do everything her friends said.

Like now, as she sat there, watching Devyn trying to piece herself together. It hurt, making Zoe's heart twist and throb and feel all around awful. The awful only increased as Devyn said that they couldn't even be friends. What did she think this was? Why did she think that Zoe had mentioned that she'd talked this over with Alice? Saying things that weren't...

Zoe felt a surge of anger. Surely Devyn didn't really mean that. She couldn't really think that people kept making up lies about her, especially not... not Alice.

"No, you can't have me," Zoe intoned, her voice almost flat. She had wanted to make that clear, and she felt like she had to reiterate it now. She could hear the pain, and it hurt her but... but what else could she do?

"Things can always get better, Devyn," she said softly. "If I've learned nothing else, it's that. I came here a wreck, remember? And people hated me. And shot me. So much happened, but I'm here now. But if you're going to do nothing but hate the people around me, the people I love, the people who care for me... then no," she looked Devyn in the eye, her expression sad, "I can't have you around me. You... you can't live for me, Devyn," Zoe swallowed, feeling the tears starting to bubble up slightly now. "You need to figure that out and figure out how to... how to live for yourself, and if that means going away, then that's what you need to do."

[Devyn Solway]

Devyn really didn't know why Zoe was here. She figured by now it was an attempt to make sure Devyn didn't go on the war path and harm most of the people Zoe socialized. Dev had considered it, especially the tree that posted up on the DL post. That meant, Alice, Tim, and Jack. It was because she thought of shoving their faces in the dirt and no doubt likely beating them up was part of why she thought she should have left. She didn't want to end up hurting Zoe buy hurting people she hung out with and what not so she wanted to leave.

Devyn figured that in the long run it would be a good thing and that anyone who did care would get over her not being around. She did in fact believe that people were making up lies on her, or at least not seeing things for how they actually were. Zoe repeated what Devyn said about how she could not have her, that didn't make her feel better. She already knew that to be true, she knew it for a long time, practically since Zoe broke up with her. She had just hoped that Zoe would have given her a chance but that hope went away over time. Then she hoped that they could have been friend, but that too went away and Devyn figured they would just remain nothing and she didn't want that.

Zoe then started to speak about how things got better, using herself for an example. Yeah, thing did get better when you had people around you there to help you thought it. Devyn felt so alone and left behind by so many. Yes, she had a few here and there but none of them really seemed to fully understand what was in fact the heart of the problem. Or even how to help Devyn in general, but she did give them credit for trying. "I don't hate them." Devyn said right after Zoe said those words about hating them. No, she didn't hate them; they had not gotten to that level with her. Few did, for several reasons.

She didn't think anything would help with her figuring out what to live for. What was there to live for? Just living for herself led her to just do whatever she pleased and even that she didn't feel like was the right way to live. When she lived for someone else she could change and do great things for the sake of them. She didn't say anything about it to Zoe, figuring that perhaps she could still live for Zoe or someone in a way without telling them. She had to live for someone. "If...if I keep trying. If I stay here a little while longer and keep fighting, I would need you to do two things for me or at least hear me out on them and see if you are willing to do them." Devyn said as she looked up at Zoe now.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Zoe wasn't going to argue the minutiae with Devyn. She just kept her attention on the other girl, if by simply staring at her she could keep her alive for that much longer. Zoe couldn't help but feel like this was something she'd have to share, that she couldn't just leave Devyn in pain. But if nobody could do anything for her, what else was there to do?

Devyn spoke again, and Zoe raised her head slightly to look, to listen. To keep trying? Though Zoe wasn't sure that staying here was in her best interest, not if her trying led to more anguish, more harm. Zoe hadn't just been saying what she wanted Devyn to hear when she'd suggested that Devyn leave if that was what it took: she'd said what she thought might be best. And now Devyn was laying out conditions.

What choice did Zoe have but to at least listen?

"I'm listening," she said, her voice soft, her eyes focused on Devyn, waiting to hear the words.

[Devyn Solway]

It was hard for Devyn, to feel any drive for much of anything. She had always had a low drive since her father died and on some levels she blamed herself. When you grew up and wanted nothing more to be like you father and then he was gone, what were you supposed to do after that. Her mother had been no help and no one at the school had been any help. In general the bad things that had happened to her were never faced or worked on to get better. That was why she was so messed up and didn't really know how to deal with the bad without just getting away from it or it getting away from her.

So yes, she thought it was a good idea that she leave the school. Still, her main goal had always been to at least graduate from BA and then be done with. Now she didn't know if she could even reach that goal, she had to make it till summer break. Zoe was still there, saying that she was listening. "First, if you are willing to be my friend again...I need you to promise me that you won't push me away again. That you will tell me if I'm doing something wrong or crossing a line. I can deal being just friends with you and everyone you talk with if you can promise me you won't shove me away again, cause I can't...I just can't take people shoving me away." Devyn said, as she took a deep breath, calming herself down some more.

She honestly would have someone break up with her repeatedly, over the feeling that came from someone shoving her away. That feeling of not being wanted and that someone wanted nothing more than to have you out of their life hurt more than any physical pain or words anyone could say. "Second, I want you to be as honest as you can with me on this question...was it that bad...was going out me that bad or painful? I can't...I can't get better if I'm never told anything. I can't learn to be better if I don't come to fully understand my mistakes." Devyn managed to get out with a lot of pauses here and there. She really needed to know this.

In order her to really get over why she had not been given a chance to show that she would have been a better girlfriend. She hated knowing that he hard work had been for naught and at least wanted to know how she was overall before she had changed.

[Zoe Wallerstein-Smythe]

Was Zoe willing to be Devyn's friend again? Part of her wanted to say yes, so long as Devyn could get over this, could stop being this moody shadow of herself. Could that help? Would it? She didn't like hearing the ultimatums being issued though: it made her squirm and feel uncomfortable. She looked away as Devyn finished that, wondering if she could even promise something like that. Would Alice be okay with it? Liz? Maelea? So many people really did want Zoe to stay away from Devyn... or did they? She didn't know and that alone made her hesitate.

Which gave Devyn enough time to get to the second point. Zoe looked over at Devyn, looked and smiled. "Of course it wasn't painful," she said, her voice soft. "If it wasn't for you, for you helping me understand who I am, then I wouldn't be who I am now. I really did love you, Devyn," she looked up, meeting Devyn's eyes. "I told you that. Nothing about that has changed. I just... don't any more," because too much had changed, and Zoe didn't think she could trust Devyn. Even now, she was too afraid to make promises, too afraid that Devyn would simply break them.

"I did hate the after," Zoe admitted. "When you were cruel to me, when you wouldn't leave me alone, give me room to breathe and be with Alice, be myself," she looked over at Devyn, a bit of hardness into her eyes then, a bit of accusation.

[Devyn Solway]

Devyn could get out of this; she just needed help and time. Time had been pretty much on her side but help had not been until now. Zoe had at least made the effort and so was Vera, and it was helping a little bit. It was just still so easy for Devyn to be pulled back into her darkness. Hopefully now after this talk it would not be so easy and Dev would be stronger from all of this. That was the hope, but who really ever knew these things for sure. Zoe was not answering the first question.

Perhaps she was not actually ready to be friends with Devyn despite why she was here. Or she really could have just been here to try and cheer Devyn up and then never talk to her again. Zoe did answer the second question; the answer did actually make Devyn feel a lot better. At least she knew that she had been a good girlfriend. Even with all of the ups and downs Zoe still said that it was not painful. That she had helped Zoe and that for a time that Zoe really did love her. If only I would have returned that love sooner... Devyn thought to herself but then pushed that thought out and replaced it with another.

No, I can't think about that anymore. Zoe is happy with whom she is with now and I need to give up trying to win her back. For real this time. She let out a sigh at the 'don't anymore' but didn't say anything and just nodded a little bit. She did look away when Zoe talked about the after, knowing that she was not the best. She had just wanted to try so hard, to make an effort, and prove that she really did want the relationship with Zoe. Dev had never tried to win back someone before so at least now she knew she had gone about it all wrong.

"I'm sorry about that. Just...well I'm possessive and really thought if I kept trying different methods I have a shot again, but yeah..." Devyn said with a nod as she rubbed at her knuckles a little. "Thanks for telling me all of that." Devyn added after a moment. She waited then for a moment as she tried to think of the best way to word what she wanted to say next. It still tied into her first condition to Zoe, the one that had not been answered yet. "Think you could give me a chance this time to be a friend to you?" Devyn asked as she glanced at Zoe. She really just wanted to be a part of Zoe's life, even if it was just that one friend you only saw from time to time and maybe texted.